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Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?
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# 1
Former MSE Lee
Old 11-08-2011, 1:51 PM
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Default Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?

Money Moral Dilemma: Should my husband move away for a better job?

We have approx £14,500 debt we're struggling to pay off and I'm expecting a second baby in September. We'll be okay until my maternity pay runs out in June 2012, but want to return to Ireland as I've been homesick since our son was born 15 months ago. My husband's in a good job but isn't well paid. He's been offered contract work in Germany for €60 an hour, which would help us pay off our debt quickly and allow me to move home to Ireland and live with my parents for a while, but we'd only see him at weekends. So we could stay here with his safe job but struggle for the next five years in a place I don't want to be, or move and have money but break the family apart.

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Last edited by Former MSE Lee; 16-08-2011 at 6:00 PM.
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# 2
pipadeepip1
Old 16-08-2011, 7:54 PM
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Exclamation Money Moral Dilemma:

What's the dilemma? If your husband can take a post with a salary that will clear your debts and give you money in your pocket. You should also be able to live where you want, and you will be living like 1000's of other families who choose to work, because many in this day and age do just that. I worked away and for a lot less than your husbands projected salary. The debt may well drive a wedge between you but with him working away you have a chance.
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# 3
mayling03
Old 16-08-2011, 7:58 PM
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If he is willing to relocate I would job search harder nearer home! If he is being offered that amount of money per hour, I'm sure he will get a good job, good salary somewhere nearer home.
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# 4
skylight
Old 16-08-2011, 8:11 PM
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A good stable and loving home is more important than money.

As a family, you need to decide what will be worse for your family. If he or you cannot bear to be apart from each other then no amount of salary is going to fix that. But if the debt is dramatically longer term than the debt, will that force you apart anyway??

Whatever you decide to do, it needs to be a strong and very joint decision - not one where you have to co-erce or be co-erced into making.
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# 5
emidee
Old 16-08-2011, 8:14 PM
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It depends what your priorities are - do you value paying off debt / living somewhere more than seeing your husband every day?

And what about your kids? Are you ok with them having a part-time father?

Do you think your relationship could survive being apart for the majority of the week? There's no point in getting the debt paid off if by doing so, you split up over it. Is there any chance your husband could find work in Ireland?

Remember this not only affects you & your husband, but your children too.
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# 6
Petaldust
Old 16-08-2011, 9:10 PM
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If you're that much in debt why on earth are you having another child? No wonder Martin's email this week is about the importance of the introduction of debt education in schools
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# 7
LetMeOut
Old 16-08-2011, 10:37 PM
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People serving in the armed forces often live like this when spouses and children can't relocate with the serving person, if that's what needs to be done to give the children and you a reasonable life you will work with it, and it won't be forever - won't take more than a couple of years to pay off. Could be worse- could be sent away for 6 moths at a time, 10 months away one year, 9 months the next year!

I would go for it, as I say, a lot of forces families live like this and we all adapt to it, it's your outlook that makes the difference!
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# 8
matador_uk
Old 16-08-2011, 10:45 PM
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I'd like to add my two penneth as someone who grew up with a supposed 'part time' father- what a load of old tosh. I'm 29 and from the age of 8 to 24 my dad did a weekly commute from NE England to London, prior to that it was daily Kent to London and we rarely saw him through the week as we were in bed by the time we got home. I love my dad to bit and appreciate the sacrifices he made to give us a better life, my dad loves me and wanting a more comfortable life for his family was a driving force for him.

Yes it was difficult sometimes, yes we missed him and he us, but we never took our time together for granted.

I say go for it, even just for a short time. Getting out of debt will be better for your family in the long run, living with your parents will give you adequate 'at home' support with two young children, and the time you spend with your husband will be so much more precious.

Try it- if he hates it he can try and look for something closer to home, but in the meantime would be really making a big dint in your debt repayment. Good luck!!
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# 9
tototo
Old 16-08-2011, 10:50 PM
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Default German or home?

Wherever there is money I will go, we live to make money, otherwise you'll be in even deeper debt with 2 babies, one man's low salary and unhappiness. All you need now is to clear the debts. If you trust your hubby why not let him go, that is a good income honestly, and you'd see each other weekly, less arguments, more money, kids are fed and hopefully eating away that debt.
Please God if you can't make me rich, make my friends poor!
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# 10
gigibelle23
Old 16-08-2011, 10:57 PM
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Why not consider all of you moving to Germany? I know you're homesick for Ireland but maybe a change from where you are now will help. I've spent a lot of time working in Germany and have grown to love the country immensely. I didn't know any German before I went but it isn't too difficult to pick up (Michel Thomas does a wonderful audio course) and I have found the Germans I've met to be wonderful, warm and cultured people. Whereabouts is his job? Perhaps he could go there first and get settled and then you could move over after your baby is born and you feel ready. It would be a way of him earning the money and you staying together. Just a thought ;o)
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# 11
makeup
Old 16-08-2011, 11:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petaldust View Post
If you're that much in debt why on earth are you having another child? No wonder Martin's email this week is about the importance of the introduction of debt education in schools
I think this is a bit harsh, we don't know the OP (and it is none of our business). And anyway, too late for that advice now!!!

I think this is a very hard one to judge and advise on - much harder than the normal ones!

My immediate thoughts that popped into my head are as follows:

When exactly does this job start? Will it mean that your husband is likely to miss the birth - how do you and he feel about this?

Are you going to be able to call on the support of your family while in Ireland? My sister's girls were both nightmares for sleeping - neither took many naps during the day but were up all through the night. My sister and her husband were able to take turns with naps / getting up and that helped her get through this. I see you are proposing moving back in with your parents - have you discussed this with them and how it will work for them and childcare etc!!!!

How long would this arrangement be for? A year goes really quickly but if it was longer - how would you both feel about this?

Is it definite he would be able to be back every weekend - try and found out what the reality is - if it was once a month would this still be ok?

I think I would say that you both need to have an honest, cards on the table conversation about how you would both feel about being apart and also about how you are going to pay off the debt and what the plans are for the future once the debt is cleared.

If your husband is going to be absolutely miserable being away from the babies or you are going to be the same away from him - maybe resenting him if you feel you are doing all the hard work with the kids then it probably isn't worth it.

However if you are both resigned to the seperation, it is for a fixed time period that you know you can deal with, and you will have clean slate and can build a new life for your family then maybe it is something you should do. With things like skype these days you can feel a lot closer and maybe you could go out with the kids for a week or so every once in a while as well to see him?

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide and of course good luck for September!
I've got my own flat

Now I have to pay the bills

And feed my interiors addiction
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# 12
mildred1978
Old 16-08-2011, 11:27 PM
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My husband works away from home for about 75% of the year - and earns a lot of money for it. Before our son came along that suited us both fine. Now I'm pretty much a single parent through the week, which I find hard work. But we take the view that while we're fit and healthy we should live this way. We have a healthy cushion put by for times when hubby's work is harder to find, or we want more quality time as a family.

If you have the backbone for it, I'd say give it a go. He can always quit if it doesn't work out. Just be aware that any routine you put in place during the week is likely to get wrecked when Daddy gets home on the weekend!
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# 13
scoobydoobydoo
Old 17-08-2011, 12:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petaldust View Post
If you're that much in debt why on earth are you having another child? No wonder Martin's email this week is about the importance of the introduction of debt education in schools
You have no idea about the OPs circumstances so you cant criticise her being pg. Off the top of my head......possibly fertility issues so grasping a chance at another child with both hands, religious or moral stand against abortion after failed contraception, pregnancy happened before the debt became an issue.....shall I go on?

When I read this on the newsletter I just KNEW that someone would post this so thank you for proving me right!

As for what is right for the OP to do....
As the mother of a 10 week old i have to admit that the thought of being alone 90% of the time would worry me alot. But then having debt to clear would worry me too. I think that I would look at what another poster above suggested, which is moving to Germany with him, atleast short term. Perhaps look at how long it will take you to pay off the debt if you were running one home in Germany (as opposed to two, if you were in Ireland) and agree to move with him for that amount of time. The at the end of that period have a rethink.

You wouldnt need to earn as much as you wouldnt be servicing your debts so he could perhaps then take a lower paid job in Ireland. Or you could afford more trips to see him, and him to come to you, if you were paying off what you owe.

Moving with him seems the best option that I can see. Good luck xx
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# 14
scoobydoobydoo
Old 17-08-2011, 12:09 AM
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and him to come to you, THAN if you were paying off what you owe.
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# 15
ISAmad
Old 17-08-2011, 2:43 AM
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The UK is no place to raise a child. Money worries aside.

If you've got the chance, get your kid out. It's like Lord of Flies.
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# 16
brenda10
Old 17-08-2011, 7:14 AM
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You will be able to keep in contact with each other via phone, skype etc and if you are seeing each other every weekend that is great. Go to Ireland(my wonderful homeland) and in no time atall you will be debt free and can decide what you will do then. I am a midwife also and delighted to hear you are having another baby. Best wishes to you and your family.
XX
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# 17
tgroom57
Old 17-08-2011, 8:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MSE Lee View Post
So we could stay here with his safe job but struggle for the next five years in a place I don't want to be, or move and have money but break the family apart.
You don't say how long the contract work in Germany will last- or what you both will do when that contract finishes.
If this is the first alternative job offer he has considered then maybe also look at creating a profile on www.linkedin.com

I agree it is important to have somewhere nice to raise your children, and looking ahead, some place you are happy about the schools. But when you find a nice place to live it doesn't have to be where you've been before.

Good luck ! I moved away to be nearer family and somewhere nice, but now I wish I had stayed near my beloved.
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# 18
christmas bells
Old 17-08-2011, 8:55 AM
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I think it's a decision for you to make as a couple. What works for one family doesn't always work for another. I have a friend who's husband works away and she only sees him once every six weeks or so and that suits her fine but I would hate it if my husband worked away, I would feel lost and lonely. Everyone is different so you'll have to make the choice between yourselves!
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# 19
shazpea
Old 17-08-2011, 9:02 AM
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Default move

Go for it - when i was a kid we moved around all the time and for a while my dad commuted to Holland from England and we only saw him weekends - it paid the bills and as someone said before, it's a sacrifice but it's for the right reasons and it makes the time you have together much more special, you learn not to take each other for granted. It's not forever and if you're in Ireland you'll have family around you to help you with the kids and keep you company. If it gets the debt worries off your mind then great, and you've a great excuse to pop over to Germany for little breaks. In this economy you have to just go for the few opportunities.
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# 20
bobthedambuilder
Old 17-08-2011, 9:12 AM
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Default Go for it!

There are huge numbers of workers in the construction industry (and others) who spend the week (and longer) away from home, in order to give themselves and their family a better life. You have to go where the work is. You should at least give it a try, and see what comfort the reducing debt mountain gives you. It doesn't have to be forever.

FWIW I worked all over the world for a large part of my working life (I'm now retired). I'm still happily married (43 years), have 4 wonderful grown-up kids who we were able to give as much as they needed, we own our own house in the country and are debt-free with substantial assets and a good pension. All of which I feel justifiably proud of - I came from a working class background, and what we have we made ourselves. Our quality of life was immeasurably enhanced by my working away for a good salary for as long as we together felt it appropriate. Maybe it's not for everybody (you both have to be strong and sure in your relationship), but the benefits are undeniable.
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