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  • tanith
    • #2
    • 28th Sep 06, 10:40 PM
    • #2
    • 28th Sep 06, 10:40 PM
    I really don't know if there is any legality involved with this question but rather than cause a scene I would be inclined to either say my goodbyes at the chapel of rest or if it is a burial just wait till the funeral is over and attend the graveside when everyone else has left....
    #6 of the SKI-ers Club

    "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Edmund Burke
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 29th Sep 06, 12:58 AM
    • 24,916 Posts
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    seven-day-weekend
    • #3
    • 29th Sep 06, 12:58 AM
    • #3
    • 29th Sep 06, 12:58 AM
    I think legally they can't be excluded. However, it may perhaps be more sensitive to say their goodbyes elsewhere. It is only the remains at the funeral after all, you can say goodbye to the person anywhere at any time.

    Is it possible for you to tell us the circumstnces of the 'ban'?
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  • ailuro2
    • #4
    • 29th Sep 06, 6:30 AM
    • #4
    • 29th Sep 06, 6:30 AM
    I have to agree. If it is the person's family who are asking the person not to attend,if they have any sense of decorum and respect for the person's family, they will say their goodbyes after the service is over.

    Legally I don't honestly know, but I think it would cause trouble to go against someone's wishes at a funeral.
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  • bethscott1970
    • #5
    • 29th Sep 06, 8:24 AM
    • #5
    • 29th Sep 06, 8:24 AM
    I was in this situation when my first husband died, his family wanted me banned from the funeral. I ws told that noone could be stopped from attending any church service but as the burial was at a council cemetary I could be barred from that. I got round the problem by creeping in at the back of the church, slipping out at the end and going to his grave later in the day when they had all left.
    To be honest all the creeping around made it very hard to actually say goodbye, looking back on it I wish I had gone to a different church (one without a service on) and said a few prayers there and said goodbye at the grave after everyone had left.
  • Mrs pbradley936
    • #6
    • 29th Sep 06, 9:02 AM
    • #6
    • 29th Sep 06, 9:02 AM
    Along with everyone else I think the wishes of the family should be respected but as the person in an earlier post said you cannot ban anyone from a church service. You could attend anyone's wedding as well without an invitation ( not the reception but the service).
  • hjb123
    • #7
    • 29th Sep 06, 9:06 AM
    • #7
    • 29th Sep 06, 9:06 AM
    As others have said the families wished shoudl be respected, however it would probably help if you said what the nature of the ban is - is the person to be banned a relative to the deceased or how do they know them and how do the people that have said not to go know the deceased?
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  • star1
    • #8
    • 29th Sep 06, 10:25 AM
    • #8
    • 29th Sep 06, 10:25 AM
    Thanks for everyones replies ....

    My friend is an ex-partner of the guy who died. She was with him for 5 years, and he kept in regular contact with her upto the day of his death. His partner at the time of his death (who had been with him for less than 2 years) as "banned" my friend from attending. The whole matter is down to jellously (of the recient partner towards my friend) for the friendship that continued with her deceased partner.

    As others have suggested - I have advised her to quietly walk into the back of the chappel and say her own quiet "good-byes" and leave before the others know she is there.

    Thanks again !
  • black pudding
    • #9
    • 29th Sep 06, 10:54 AM
    • #9
    • 29th Sep 06, 10:54 AM
    It depends if it's a public or private funeral also
  • tomstickland
    You can't ban someone from a funeral. I think she should go to the funeral.

    TBH I think the current partner is being stupidly selfish in even suggesting that previous partner cannot go to funeral. If I was "Banned" then I'd attend as a matter of principle. The service is about the deceased, not the squabbling parties attending.
    Last edited by tomstickland; 29-09-2006 at 11:10 AM.
    Oh dear.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 29th Sep 06, 11:12 AM
    • 24,916 Posts
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    seven-day-weekend
    It depends if it's a public or private funeral also
    by black pudding
    Anyone can attend the church service.
    I am a Job Club Coach in Association with CAP
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
  • arnie&caseysma!
    My sisters boyfriend has caused a divide in our family and when my Nan died she was warned that he should not go anywhere near the church for her funeral, and infact not even to bother bringing her to the church himself. She turned up on her own, refused to speak with anyone apart from those that brought her, and then left again after the tea. It was a hard day but it would have been even harder should he have turned up when we all knew thay Nan had a great dislike for him due to the problems he caused.
    If it would be the deceaseds wished for them not to attend then really they should stay away, but if you are in regular contact and it is only because of the current partner then why should you? Again, if it was me and she was likely to cause a scene if she saw me then I would stay away to keep the peace. After all, it may be nicer to remember the person as they were alive, not remember them for the bickering and fighting at the funeral with the person in the coffin. Any incident that going might create will cloud any memories.......
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  • star1
    Personally - I think the whole thing is appaling .... "banning" people from attending funerals !! - whatever next !! - (I agree with tomstickland). It's amazing how some people can lash-out at others who are "hurting" too .... my friend just wants to pay her last respects to someone who was special in her life, and to a guy who "chose" to keep in contact with her right up until his death.... (btw - she has no intention of creating a scean and would prefer not to talk to anyone there ....)

    It's being held in a local authority cremitorium - I've made the suggestion to attend, say "good-bye" but try doing it without the others knowing ....
    Last edited by star1; 29-09-2006 at 11:24 AM.
  • black pudding
    Anyone can attend the church service.
    by seven-day-weekend
    What if it isn't in a church?

    What if the family want the service to be private?
    I have been to an "invitation only" funeral once.
  • BungleGirl
    My Dad died five years ago - my Mum had left him for another man about six years before that, he eventually met my step-mother and spent five very happy years with her. My Dad hated my Mum with a passion and would cross the road to avoid her - I don't think that he ever spoke to her after they split up. When I rang my Mum to tell her that my Dad had died she asked me to let her know when the funeral would be - I told her that I didn't want her to go and that I would be very cross if she did.

    If she had turned up I would have flipped - this is totally different because they didn't get on or even speak to each other for the six years previous and in knew that my Dad would have hated her being there and been livid if her presence had upset my or my step-mother.

    Your friend is in different circumstances but I personally think that she should stay away so as not to cause a scene at the funeral. Even if the new girlfriend is wrong in asking your friend to stay away there will presumably be other family members that will be very upset and not want the funeral to be overshadowed by a ptential showdown between for friend and the new partner. Even if your friend wants to go and not speak to anyone there is no telling how the new partner will react in such emotional circumstances.
  • akin drum
    I don't agree with your friend being 'banned' from going to the funeral, but if it were me I wouldn't go in case it caused a scene. I wold say my own private goodbye's in my own way.
  • tanith
    In my mind there is no reason that you have to attend the actual funeral to say a heartfelt goodbye to someone, what is wrong with doing it in private by oneself after everyone else has left... it can only be for the effect attending ,would have on the living that anyone would insist on going where they are not welcomed after all the funeral is just about the mortal remains , the spirit is long gone....If indeed a 'spirit' exists...
    Last edited by tanith; 29-09-2006 at 12:06 PM.
    #6 of the SKI-ers Club

    "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Edmund Burke
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