Guest Comment: Why we need to talk about debt and money in our relationships

Children should be taught about debt and money at school. 34 years ago, I was fortunate enough to be removed from mainstream curricular mathematics at Secondary School and I completed a comprehensive two year money management syllabus for my final 2 years at school. Whilst I never became a City financier, I've never been in a position of personal debt that I wasn't able to control. I left school at 16 knowing how to run and manage a personal bank account. I learnt the value of everything and I learnt never to overspend or overeach oneself. I haven't even been overdrawn for over 20 years, the last time was during a subsequently failed relationship because my former partner was financially incompetent and was hiding (very well!!) a financial mess entirely of their making.

Sadly I've seen many failed relationships due to couples hiding their spending from each other, including bankruptcy involving a family member. I agree, there does seem to be a constant need for some people to have the latest gadgets, cars etc, or they have such an overwhelming need to shower others with gifts at Christmas time etc, that they completely fail to understand the consequences if their circumstances change. I'd like to say I had some sympathy, but people do have choices, we almost always have choices, but it's easier for some to just ignore what's right in front of their faces, until the bailiffs start banging on the door.

For the most part, it seems that as a society, many people simply don't understand the concept of personal responsibility and when it all goes wrong, many will try and blame anyone but themselves. People moan that we are becoming a 'Nanny State'. Well perhaps some people do need protecting from themselves, though quite how far the system should go to protect those who ultimately know whether they can or cannot afford a particular lifestyle, is another matter.

For me personally, I'm very fortunate that I now have a partner who is equally as financially responsible as I am. We discuss every major purchase. We trust each other implicitly when it comes to personal spending. Our accounts are open to each other, it's a concept that would undoubtedly horrify some couples! It works though. In short, if we can't afford it, we don't buy it. We're now 'middle aged', child free, debt free and growing old disgracefully!

Joint accounts for couples is the way forward, see so many couples arguing over money. Wanting stupidly expensive engagement rings holidays etc when simply haven’t got the money, blowing money they haven’t got but don’t know they haven’t got.

Me and partner have a joint account we both get a say on the big spends and discuss any debts credit card openly if there is any we both know where we stand what everything costs. Amount of stupid !!!! we have discussed and simply explaining what I wanted to do to someone else made me feel a fking moron.

“I want a new exhaust for my car”
“Oh is the old one broken”
“Nah but I want it to be a bit louder and a bit more aggressive”
“How much is it”
“500 pound”
“You want to spend 500 quid to make your 3k car sound more agressive”
“Well when you put it like that”

If both sides of the couple are good with money separate accounts can be a great thing but for me I’m the spender and partner is frugal, she discusses my stupid ideas with me and I convince her to treat herself, we can have 5k in the bank and she won’t buy make up she really wants because it’s a little bit expensive.

I'm always surprised at the amount of couples I know who, despite being married and having children, still think in terms of 'my money/their money'. If that couple were to divorce, a court would consider all money and assets to be joint (in most cases) so why isn't it seen like that during the relationship?

I can understand having a little bit of change in your pocket to spend 'freely', but I do think that everything else should be jointly accessed.

I also think that all out-of-the-ordinary purchases should be prefaced by at least some kind of joint discussion. My husband and I are lucky enough to have been debt free for a few years now, but prior to that we had a large amount of debt. We built up that debt (foolishly) together, but that meant that we had to tackle it together without blaming the spending on one or the other. As part of that we had to open up about feelings like 'I don't feel like I can say no to you' or 'I just want to buy you everything you want' and so on. The experience of indebtedness caused us to argue, but having to work through it brought us closer together as a couple.

We're grappling with a large purchase now and we may have to use credit. We've already spent several days discussing it, and will probably spend several more, but at least then we'll know that the decision was a joint one that we'll have come to after exploring all options.

I guess what I am saying is communication has to be the basis of everything when it comes to relationships and money, even if it's hard.