keep thinking of divorce

goos · 20 May 2017 at 1:36AM

Hey all, been married 6 years with 2 kids aged 3 and 4. Since the birth of the 2nd our sex live has gone down a lot, we've had continuous rows about her family living with us here and there, and life just seems to get harder not easier.
Currently we sleep in separate rooms, have done for about 18 months cos the kids won't sleep alone. I've told her that its not good for them but she blames me for not trying and even when i do they end up crying so she thinks its easier to leave them.
I don't mind that so much but there seems to be nothing between us. She never touches, hugs, kisses, or anything all. The most i will get is she will sit next to me, and that's maybe once a week if we are on talking terms. Otherwise its netflix or on the ipad. She even goes to bed some nights with her door shut which she never used to do!
I've looked online elsewhere to chat to ladies as I'm basically lonely and she even found msgs to my old friends although they were mostly about family life etc but she rowed over the fact i was msging other women. Even though i once found mesages between her and an old guy friend of hers...
I pay all the bills, I cook, I clean when I can, I do all the shopping, take the kids out, drive her about, pay for her lessons etc. She will cook and clean, but chances are we will row on tuesday and up to friday we will hardly talk to each other.
She spends a lot and never has to worry about the bills, I sort all that out including the mortgage and the most she has to do is spend whatever money she has from her savings. I have even said if she wants to get a job I will support her or if she wants to go out and join a class or make more friends. But it's like we expect different things in marriage...
I feel like our values are somewhat different and we seem to be ok for a couple of days then back to avoiding each other as much as we can until the fridge is empty or a form needs filing in then she has to ask me cos she doesn't want to do it herself.
The hardest for me is no physical touch, I feel like I'm single but with all the headache of having kids and a mortgage. We've spoken many times of this issue and she says I need to change and treat her better but that means that if she says do something I have to do it immediately. On the flipside if I ask for a backrub and she says no then its a valid reason.
We've been like this for the last 3 years at least, a few ups but almost all downs. I don't want to turf her out or leave, and I want stability for the kids but I need a partner...
We get on generally fine otherwise, but the problem is even when we're ok I start wondering if I could do better... even as I write this I cringe a little because I want to make it work, but from what I've seen she can't even kiss or cuddle me, it's not her style or something is definitely not right so I'm basically resigned to a life without this or else do something about it.
Trouble is what...???

PeacefulWaters · 20 May 2017 at 6:22AM

Show her what you've just written? Maybe not admitting you've put it out there for public consumption.

[Deleted User] · 20 May 2017 at 7:13AM

As above show her what you have written, await her response then take it from there...

paddy's_mum · 20 May 2017 at 12:04PM

I'm astounded that you would say "she rowed..." over the seeking out of other women (note the plural!). What on earth did you think she would say - "there, there diddums"? You make it sound as though you did nothing to provoke her anger and mistrust.

Grow up, and start actually communicating with each other instead of talking of turfing her out.

If the relationship can't be saved, so be it, but for the sake of your two very young children, seek counselling not cosy little chinwags with other women.

chesky · 20 May 2017 at 2:49PM

It actually sounds as though she may be clinically depressed. You certainly need more help than you'll get here. Best start with your GP and get counselling, either jointly or separately.

Newbie2017J · 20 May 2017 at 6:24PM

You only get one crack at life, I think you need to say, I want to be with you and make a great life but for me that means I want.....xyz..... and ask her what is important to her....agree these two lists, agree to try what's on the list...

Then if it works your both eternally happy....if not you know your not right and have at least tried and can go your separate ways

Big believer in life is short don't just get on with things if your unhappy it's not worth it....

cashbackproblems · 20 May 2017 at 10:54PM

Before you think about divorce protect yourself and assets, there are actions you can take to hide savings and investments which she hasnt contributed to

Sounds like she is not making any effort and in her mind its over.

owen_money · 21 May 2017 at 4:59AM

Time to cut your losses and move on, its not working

FBaby · 21 May 2017 at 7:10AM

What you are experiencing is very common amongst families of young children. All that is happening to you is that you are both exhausted in your own way. Unfortunately, the desperate need for comfort to make it up means that you are both turned towards what the other should do to make it better rather than what you can give the other. It's understandable when you feel you've given all you've got to give and there's nothing left.

You probably 'don't understand each other'. In her case, you probably don't really get what it's like to look after demanding toddlers who very much feel like leeches always. I've been where your wife is, feeling suffocated and terribly sleep deprived. I expect her frustration is your lack of involvement. You do things, but maybe in a 'minimum you can do so she can't moan' rather than 'what can I do to really help her. Do you think of what would help her and then take initiatives, or do you wait for her to tell you what to do (which from her perspective, means that the hardest part, the thinking and planning, has already been done, so she might as well do it herself).

From your perspective, you clearly resent her for her lack of physical contact. You feel that you do you bit in the marriage, work hard, bring the money, deal with the stress of budgeting etc... and she should be grateful that she has a choice between working or being a SAHM.

The problem is that she doesn't want to be physical with you because she is shattered and feel that she is so because of you not doing more to help, and therefore is in no mood to give you what would make YOU feel better, physical contact. What she will crave is time for herself, when she doesn't have to give anything to anyone.

Half of what you are going through is normal and should get better with time as the kids get older and she gets less overwhelmed with demands. The other half though you would need to work on and that's listening to each other's needs rather than focusing on your own. Talking about your frustrations/resentments is emotionally tiring, so when you already are knackered, you are only prepared to do so when you feel it will bring some change.

My advice. Put your needs aside for this time. Try to take her away for a surprise week-end or even day, agree not to talk about anything that stresses you for a few hours, then when you both start to feel a bit more relax, talk and most importantly, listen to what is making her withdraw. Come home, reflect on what she said, and consider what would make her more relaxed so that she will want to be more physical with you. Don't walk away because you've hit a tough time. You can make it better.

keep thinking of divorce

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free