Divorce following affair which resulted in baby

PeppaCoin · 14 February 2018 at 9:53PM

I posted approx 3weeks ago immediately after finding out my husband had fathered a child with his mistress. Now my situation 3 weeks on:

- Married for 2.5 years with 2 children, (one boy aged 5yrs and one boy aged 6 months)
- Mortgaged home. Approx value £250k. Roughly £100k equity in the house. Lived here 7 years. Just an average 3 bed semi. Nothing flash
- I paid the deposit on the house myself (£27k) from the sale of my previous home
- I am currently on maternity leave due to return to work full time on 30 April.

Story: He had either an affair or a one night stand (no idea which) a few weeks before we married. He told me about it 3 weeks ago, along with the fact it resulted in a now 2 year old daughter. There is NO going back from this. He has exhibited other questionable behaviour in the past and this is the final nail in the coffin. We will be divorcing.

The steps I've taken so far:
- looking into a child support claim against him
- contacted a solicitor and had an hours appointment
- visited citizens advice bureau re any financial help (not helpful)
- visited the job centre re any financial help (very helpful)
- visited a mortgage broker on the advice of the solicitor to ascertain if I can take over the mortgage alone (yes)
- contacted a mediation service on the advice of the solicitor as the first step. Had my initial assessment today.

Currently:
- living in the house together but maintaining everything separate eg cooking, washing and finances. He contributes half of the bills. £3.5k in savings which was saved to support me through maternity leave. No other assets. Pensions minimal etc.

His stance:
"Yes I made a mistake but in not giving me a second chance you are ruining our family etc etc". I hear this to my face, and via messages approximately 10 times a day. He is saying emotionally damaging things in front of our 5yr old eg "You'll find out exactly what Mummy is like. She doesn't love her family enough to give us another chance" etc etc. Very difficult to hear and to have my child hear.

My main worry is my house. My 5 yr old is a very sensitive soul, prone to withdrawal if he is worried. Last year he has just started at a lovely school 3 mins walk from our house and more than anything I do not want to upset his world (even more than his daddy leaving) by taking him from his house and possibly even his school if we are required to relocate. Can I be forced to sell? My solicitor advised not if I could cover the costs alone but it all seems so woolly and not set in stone. Has anyone experienced similar?

BorisThomson · 14 February 2018 at 10:03PM

Can you cover the cost of buying him out of the house? It's unlikely a sale would be ordered if you can otherwise reach agreement on a financial settlement.

Is this the same house you wanted to sell three months ago?

PeppaCoin · 14 February 2018 at 10:19PM

I'm not sure. I can't raise enough of a mortgage through a new provider to also buy him out, but I can get a mortgage for the outstanding £144k myself. My parents may be able to help out with a lump sum.

When I spoke to my solicitor she said there could be a charge put on the property so he couldn't force me to sell it until my youngest left education, but that would leave us financially linked for years and as he probably wouldn't want to wait so long for a lump sum, he may take a lesser sum to leave now.

Yes, we were looking at selling before Christmas because we were planning on having a third child together. Obviously that is no longer on the cards.

silvercar · 14 February 2018 at 11:45PM

You are going to be linked for a long time as you have children together.

I don't see any harm in all agreeing to delay a sale until your youngest leaves education in these circumstances.

"Yes I made a mistake but in not giving me a second chance you are ruining our family etc etc".

He's an idiot. He's the one that had the affair, he's the one that had an affair and risked everything.

mademoiselle_2 · 15 February 2018 at 12:14AM

My sympathies, this must be an awful situation for you.

I'm no expert, but I really think you will need to get some specialist legal advice on how to remove him from the house - that is, if you are really certain that you are divorcing. It sounds like your husband is trying to force you to change your mind - and not in a nice way. You say he is bombarding you with texts. Are you concerned that he may 'up the anti'? Has he ever been aggressive towards you?

If he is creating the toxic atmosphere you describe, with judgemental remarks being made openly in front of your five year old, that needs to change, before the wellbeing of your child is affected. I suggest you make an honest assessment of the risks his behaviour is exposing you and your children to, and put it before a solicitor. You may be able to get an injunction put in place.

I hope other people who have been put in a similar situation will be able to advise you more fully. Good luck.

TBagpuss · 15 February 2018 at 12:39PM

OK, if you can raise a mortgage to get his name off the current mortgage and deeds then there is a good chance that a court would consider that the needs of the children for a secure home should take precedence over his need for his share of the equity right now, which could allow you to stay in the house and for him to have a charge over the house entitling him to a % of it's value at a set time in the future. It might be when the children leave school, or could be an earlier date if the court thinks it is reasonable to expect you to be able to raise a lump sum sooner, for instance once you have returned to work once both children are in school.

If your parents may be willing to help out, then it is worth looking into that, as if you were able to borrow enough to pay him a lump sum now, he would be able to move on and you would owe the money to your paretnsrathe than to him, which you might find more palatable. he might also accept less if he was having it immediately.

On equity of £100,000 the start point would be that he would be entitled to £50K. However you may be able to reduce that by taking into account your initial contribution (not usually of much weight, but you can try!) and potentially your higher needs, if he earns more than you t present.

It's also relevant to consider his needs - what would his mortgage capacity be, and how much would he need in order to buy a property suitable for himself and for the children when they are with him?

The reasons for the divorce won't normally have any relevance in determining how the assets are split.

If you can't afford any lump sum now then the other question would be how much you would need to rehouse and how much you would need as a deposit - for instance, if it would be possible for you to move to a cheaper 3 bed property, say worth £210K, then it could be argued that it would be reasonable for you to do so, and to pay for it with a mortgage of £140K plus £70K from the equity, releasing £30K as a lump sum for your husband, as an arrangement of that kind would meet the children's need for a secure home but also take into account his needs to be housed. Obviously a lot depends on the realities of house prices in your area.

Soundgirlrocks · 15 February 2018 at 2:24PM

I can't offer much advice but as a short marriage of 2 1/2 years I thought the court would seek to try and restore each party to the financial position they where in before the marriage? So from what you have said I would expect you to get more than 50% of the equity. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong?

Pricivius · 15 February 2018 at 2:30PM

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

I can't offer much advice but as a short marriage of 2 1/2 years I thought the court would seek to try and restore each party to the financial position they where in before the marriage? So from what you have said I would expect you to get more than 50% of the equity. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong?

Whilst the marriage is only 2.5 years, my understanding is that the court would take into account the 5 years they both lived in the property and the 7 year length of the relationship. Both these considerations could take the court beyond this being a short marriage and would split 50/50, rather than look to put the parties in the positions they were in before they married. This makes sense as it would be tricky - in this example, the couple had lived in the house for 2.5 years and had been together in a relationship for 4.5 years at this point!

FBaby · 15 February 2018 at 6:45PM

OK, if you can raise a mortgage to get his name off the current mortgage and deeds then there is a good chance that a court would consider that the needs of the children for a secure home should take precedence over his need for his share of the equity right now,

So sorry to hear what you've been through.

I think you need to tread carefully and really, if you could find a way to raise money to get him to agree to be removed from the deeds and mortgage, I would take that route.

If it went to court, it could go either way depending on what you could afford on your income. If after selling you could still afford a property that met your kids' needs, then they could order the sale. Whether they would take pity to the impact of the move on your children, who knows.

Divorce following affair which resulted in baby

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