can 'space' really help?
gonzo127
Posts: 4,482 Forumite
so i will put a little bit of background so the question will hopefully be in more context.
so i have been with my girlfriend for roughly 2 1/2 years, we do not live together as we both have children with our ex's and the children go to different schools so we live closer to where our children go to school to make the school run easier when our respective children stay with each of us. so we end up seeing each other week on, week off, around the children, we do have some joint family things we do together, but overall, our time with the kids, is our time with the kids.
anyways around 1 year ago, she got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, had to go on very strong steroids and a dose of chemo, this combination of treatments, has made her put on weight, in the region of 2 stone, this made her feel very conscious of her body and so our sex life suffered, although has never stopped, just reduced from what it was, personally i still think she is the most gorgeous sexy woman i have ever met, and do tell her, even though she rolls her eyes at me when i do.
on top of the above she started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago to try and work out why she has been so down about things, such as not getting to see her kids all the time because of them going to stay at their dads, would put her into a massive depression where she wouldnt even get out of bed at the weekend sometimes, or other times qould go into a fit of rage in which everything made her angry and she shouted at everything.
over the last month she has been getting more and more distant with me, with the conversation being strained a lot of the time, i can not pin point one specific moment when it changed although i think it was after one particular therapy session when she came home and wouldn't talk to me. i did not approach her about it as her therapy is private and we agreed when she started that i would not ask, but if she wanted to talk to me about it i would listen.
so this has got worse over the last month with less messages being exchanged each day, her not asking about me and my day and when i asked her about her it was all very clinical as in 'this happened, that happened' but nothing about how she was feeling.
so it has all come to a head this weekend, as we went out with friends had a lovely time, stayed away in a hotel, conversation flowed (even though we ignored the elephant in the room for a while) when we got home things where still good, so we had dinner and i decided i needed to just raise it so we could talk about what the problem was. so i asked 'are we ok' to which she responded no, not really. she wouldnt go into much detail as she said she really didnt know what was up, just that she wasnt missing me as much as she should when we are apart, and that me contacting her a few times a day felt like i was smothering her.
she ended it by asking to have some time in which we did not contact each other, no email, texts, whatsapp etc etc. so that she could get her mind together, she didnt give a day when she would contact me again, or that i could contact her. she did leave saying she loved me.
so now we come to the question, as i am going out of my mind as i have no idea what to think, what has gone wrong, or even if this is actually the end of my relationship. personally i am someone who believes in talking problems through. and feel and think that time apart with no contact, will not actually fix what is wrong as we are not addressing it. but i wondered if anyone has had time apart like this and it having actually worked to fix a problem?
or should i just prepare myself for her ending the relationship with this just being a attempt to lessen the blow by giving us both some time on our own?
so i have been with my girlfriend for roughly 2 1/2 years, we do not live together as we both have children with our ex's and the children go to different schools so we live closer to where our children go to school to make the school run easier when our respective children stay with each of us. so we end up seeing each other week on, week off, around the children, we do have some joint family things we do together, but overall, our time with the kids, is our time with the kids.
anyways around 1 year ago, she got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, had to go on very strong steroids and a dose of chemo, this combination of treatments, has made her put on weight, in the region of 2 stone, this made her feel very conscious of her body and so our sex life suffered, although has never stopped, just reduced from what it was, personally i still think she is the most gorgeous sexy woman i have ever met, and do tell her, even though she rolls her eyes at me when i do.
on top of the above she started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago to try and work out why she has been so down about things, such as not getting to see her kids all the time because of them going to stay at their dads, would put her into a massive depression where she wouldnt even get out of bed at the weekend sometimes, or other times qould go into a fit of rage in which everything made her angry and she shouted at everything.
over the last month she has been getting more and more distant with me, with the conversation being strained a lot of the time, i can not pin point one specific moment when it changed although i think it was after one particular therapy session when she came home and wouldn't talk to me. i did not approach her about it as her therapy is private and we agreed when she started that i would not ask, but if she wanted to talk to me about it i would listen.
so this has got worse over the last month with less messages being exchanged each day, her not asking about me and my day and when i asked her about her it was all very clinical as in 'this happened, that happened' but nothing about how she was feeling.
so it has all come to a head this weekend, as we went out with friends had a lovely time, stayed away in a hotel, conversation flowed (even though we ignored the elephant in the room for a while) when we got home things where still good, so we had dinner and i decided i needed to just raise it so we could talk about what the problem was. so i asked 'are we ok' to which she responded no, not really. she wouldnt go into much detail as she said she really didnt know what was up, just that she wasnt missing me as much as she should when we are apart, and that me contacting her a few times a day felt like i was smothering her.
she ended it by asking to have some time in which we did not contact each other, no email, texts, whatsapp etc etc. so that she could get her mind together, she didnt give a day when she would contact me again, or that i could contact her. she did leave saying she loved me.
so now we come to the question, as i am going out of my mind as i have no idea what to think, what has gone wrong, or even if this is actually the end of my relationship. personally i am someone who believes in talking problems through. and feel and think that time apart with no contact, will not actually fix what is wrong as we are not addressing it. but i wondered if anyone has had time apart like this and it having actually worked to fix a problem?
or should i just prepare myself for her ending the relationship with this just being a attempt to lessen the blow by giving us both some time on our own?
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on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)
0
Comments
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Tell you what - I'm the same as you, want to talk it all through.
In fact in a very similar boat to you, as we live apart at the minute too.
From my experience time apart does help, it wont solve all the problems though. I'd respect her wishes, not contact her for a while, then maybe at the weekend give her a call or pop over and try to talk things through0 -
Tell you what - I'm the same as you, want to talk it all through.
In fact in a very similar boat to you, as we live apart at the minute too.
From my experience time apart does help, it wont solve all the problems though. I'd respect her wishes, not contact her for a while, then maybe at the weekend give her a call or pop over and try to talk things through
thank, the issue is, this coming weekend is our time with the kids, so we will not really have the ability to talk to each other till next weekend. or at least not be able to have such a important discussion till then.
personally i am worried that this is going to distract me from enjoying my time with my daughter. i know it shouldnt but not knowing is what i am struggling most with and my mind keeps on going over everything.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
she ended it by asking to have some time in which we did not contact each other, no email, texts, whatsapp etc etc. so that she could get her mind together, she didnt give a day when she would contact me again, or that i could contact her. she did leave saying she loved me.
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i wondered if anyone has had time apart like this and it having actually worked to fix a problem?
or should i just prepare myself for her ending the relationship with this just being a attempt to lessen the blow by giving us both some time on our own?
I think you'll have to respect her wishes. Let her contact you if/when when is ready.
But also be prepared to just accept it's over and you may not get any explanation or 'chance to put things right'.
If I was in a similar position (again) I'd be walking away.0 -
I think you'll have to respect her wishes. Let her contact you if/when when is ready.
But also be prepared to just accept it's over and you may not get any explanation or 'chance to put things right'.
If I was in a similar position (again) I'd be walking away.
so you don't think i should be 'fighting for her' by trying to remind her what we have got/had?Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
so you don't think i should be 'fighting for her' by trying to remind her what we have got/had?
No.
My ex has similar 'issues', very independent, doesn't like talking, wants to do it all herself - has something to prove I guess.
I made the same mistakes you did, trying to prove something, remind her of things, whatever. She felt smothered (the same word you used) and pushed into something.
I still want to sort things out, but I'm giving her space, I'm round quite often as we live nearby and have kids. But I try to avoid topics of relationships.
Not a generalisation, but in my experience with a similar partner. They juggle too much and then struggle to keep on top of things. In the end when you try to add to that, it makes it worse.
Just a bit of time, it does help0 -
on top of the above she started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago
i think it was after one particular therapy session when she came home and wouldn't talk to me.
i asked 'are we ok' to which she responded no, not really. she wouldnt go into much detail as she said she really didnt know what was up, just that she wasnt missing me as much as she should when we are apart, and that me contacting her a few times a day felt like i was smothering her.
she ended it by asking to have some time in which we did not contact each other, no email, texts, whatsapp etc etc. so that she could get her mind together
It sounds as if stuff is being raised in the therapy which is making it hard for her to deal with an on-going relationship but it's not fair of her to expect you to wait in the background for an unspecified length of time until she gets herself together.0 -
It sounds as if stuff is being raised in the therapy which is making it hard for her to deal with an on-going relationship but it's not fair of her to expect you to wait in the background for an unspecified length of time until she gets herself together.
i would be happy to wait for her, as before she pushed me away we had such an amazing relationship (well at least in my mind) i also feel the week on week off worked nicely as we wasnt constantly in each others hair.
but i am struggling with the lack of any certainty, i do not want to lose her, but in some sick sort of way, i would prefer to know its over, so i can morn it and start to rebuild my life. instead of being left dangling not knowing what is happening, or what has happened.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
so you don't think i should be 'fighting for her' by trying to remind her what we have got/had?
As Mojisola says, it's unfair for her to expect you to wait an unspecified amount of time for her to resolve any issues (she may not know how long she needs but that doesn't help you).
I spent FAR to long 'fighting' for a relationship in the past. It was a waste of effort/emotion/time. But that was my experience, only you can decided what you are willing to put up with (or sacrifice)0 -
No.
My ex has similar 'issues', very independent, doesn't like talking, wants to do it all herself - has something to prove I guess.
I made the same mistakes you did, trying to prove something, remind her of things, whatever. She felt smothered (the same word you used) and pushed into something.
I still want to sort things out, but I'm giving her space, I'm round quite often as we live nearby and have kids. But I try to avoid topics of relationships.
Not a generalisation, but in my experience with a similar partner. They juggle too much and then struggle to keep on top of things. In the end when you try to add to that, it makes it worse.
Just a bit of time, it does help
just worried she is going to think i am not trying, or wont fight for her or anything like that, basically some of the things she has said about her ex husband was that he never tried to keep her.
so i am feeling as if i am between a rock and a hard place, since she has previously said she wanted her ex husband to fight for her, but also the fact i need to respect her wishes and not smother her.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
When I met my hubby I probably wasn't ready for a relationship after divorce and I was feeling very up and down and not sure about so many things. I was feeling very stressed with demands from children, home and work and sometimes a relationship seemed like just more 'work' to do !
One of the things that really helped was his determined "I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to lose you" comments, he was totally prepared for me to work through everything while he waited and the fact that he wanted me whatever really boosted my self esteem when I wasn't feeling good about myself. We have been married for 13 years now.
So, if you value this relationship, I would suggest you do as asked and give space but try and make supportive, positive comments when you do have contact. Hopefully she will realise how much she is missing you, if not then there's probably not much else you can do.Decluttering, 20 mins / day Jan 2024 2/20
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