How do you know when 'it's time' - elderly parents

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  • Marvel1
    Marvel1 Posts: 7,172 Forumite
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    trailingspouse wrote: »
    Dad still drives.

    Should he still be driving? I'm not having a go, I'm curious if they are allowed.
  • theoretica
    theoretica Posts: 12,305 Forumite
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    It might be worth having a word with the receptionist at their doctors and anywhere else they have important appointments suggesting they could do with lots of reminder calls about appointments.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
  • Robisere
    Robisere Posts: 3,237 Forumite
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    edited 9 October 2017 at 6:57PM
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    Still in our early 70's, mentally healthy but physically disabled and fortunate to have a ds, dd and 4 smashing grandchildren within 5 miles. 3 grandchildren are over 18 and one helps quite a lot. I can appreciate your concern, having had 3 very good friends with Alzheimers and a neighbour who developed severe dementia and died at 87.

    I took a long hard look at our possible futures a few years ago and took steps to try to ameliorate any problems which might arise. Every important document is filed in labelled within A4 folders and box files, including medical, pension, insurance and financial records. Some is computerised or otherwise digitalised and backed-up within a schedule. 2 Calendars are used and we record details of appointments immediately we get them. As this has developed into a routine, we find it easier to follow: the older we get, the more important routine becomes!

    If you could possibly take a couple of days off to be with mum and dad, establishing some of this may be useful. As I have intimated above, an established routine is important to the elderly. Your parents might have friends of their own age that you can speak to regarding care and help that those friends trust. Age Concern also have sources of trusted help: check out their local office and speak with them.

    I think you have absolutely the right attitude in wanting to help your mum and dad in the best way: good luck!

    EDIT: Are all their utility bills, etc., paid by DD or standing order? That is something I made sure of along time ago.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
  • onlyroz
    onlyroz Posts: 17,661 Forumite
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    Torry_Quine wrote: »
    You will need the permission of your parent for their GP to talk with you

    Even with a PoA?
  • onlyroz
    onlyroz Posts: 17,661 Forumite
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    cjdavies wrote: »
    Should he still be driving? I'm not having a go, I'm curious if they are allowed.
    My dad is allowed to drive and he has Alzheimer’s. He only ever drives if my mum is with him, and it’s usually only to break up a long journey. I expect there will come a point where he shouldn’t be driving.
  • Brighton_belle
    Brighton_belle Posts: 5,223 Forumite
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    How did they react when you told them they had missed their flu appointments? Could you use this as an opening to being a bit more proactive in finding out what their plans and appointments.
    I would definitely try and up you visits to monthly if you can. Although maybe go to 6 weekly first.
    It is not an easy transition to upping parental care, especially if they are in denial themselves. But they are both in their 80's so it is not unreasonable for you to suggest you just want to see more of them.
    Trying to up the care of your parents without them realising is as tricky as the practicing the dark arts, lol. You just have to creep forward, judging the moment to make suggestions, usually with the back up of saying to maintain their independence for as long as possible. Sometimes you'll find you have to wait for things to become a bit more of a struggle to come in with a timely suggestion of a cleaner etc for them to feel the relief at the idea. I wouldn't come in suggesting you take over there bill paying etc: too much too soon.

    onlyroz wrote: »
    Even with a PoA?

    The health and welfare P of A needs to have been activated. Even if it has been,I would be hesitant to seek a private conversation at this stage without their express permission, but would definitely want to make the GP aware of your concerns.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,620 Forumite
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    edited 9 October 2017 at 8:35PM
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    My father was very resistant to my becoming involved in helping to manage their affairs but when I realised he was struggling to cope, rather than piling full in with the Power of Attorney I'd previously set up I phased it on the basis that they might appreciate some secretarial/administrative assistance, as I had a computer and could all the typing for them rather than my dad having to write all his domestic admin letters laboriously by hand and keep carbon copies of them (You can tell this dates back a little !). Put that way, he was very happy and relieved and I gradually took over everything. Once he saw that things were flowing happily and I still allowed him to think he was in control, he gradually stopped worrying about all the admin and financial stuff and let me take it all over so it was a fairly gradual transition. I kept my own files copies of all correspondence at my house, but duplicated copies of everything with them so they still felt in control and had access to all the records. That was quite important for my dad not to feel he was being sidelined.


    I certainly back the suggestion that you have an admin session with your parents if they will agree and get all their financial data, contact numbers, account numbers, addresses for utilities, pensions, bank and savings accounts etc listed in a central place that you have access to them so that if something suddenly happens you have all the information readily to hand.


    What sort of P of A do you have? The old Enduring type or the new ones? I recommend you update to the new ones if possible and get both the Finance and Health & Welfare ones to cover all eventualities. They don't negate the previous one.
  • CRANKY40
    CRANKY40 Posts: 5,761 Forumite
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    There's also the chance that whatever infection your dad was diagnosed with was adding to his confusion. We always know when my dad has something like that as he becomes extra scrambled.
  • Brighton_belle
    Brighton_belle Posts: 5,223 Forumite
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    I think Primrose is spot on about what ever you do,ensuring your parents still feel in control. We would make suggestions to our parents, sometimes giving 3 or 4 ideas and then let them mull it over to see which one felt best to them (including of course, no change).
    Once they trust that you are not taking over/sidelining them, then like Primrose experienced, they will likely let you do more.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,620 Forumite
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    D you parents use a computer? Are they on email?
    If so, would they be able to cope with using Skype? Even if they can't use a computer, getting them and iPad of some kind with Skype on it might help you and them to feel you are less remote.
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