My Girlfriend Cheated

Captain_Charisma · 14 June 2017 at 10:54AM

Backstory; Been together 2 years, live together.

Long story short, my girlfriend has cheated on me - she slept with a coworker. When she told me she packed her bags and left, refused to discuss the situation with me.

I forgive her, and want to continue our relationship.

She however, cannot forgive herself. She is racked with guilt and is disgusted with herself. She told me that everytime she sees me she gets angry becasue of what she's done to me, us. She tells me that I deserve better. She still won't see me face to face - all our communication is done by text.

As I said above, I forgive her and want our relationship to continue, I don't want a mistake to be the end of us. I really want for us to be able to sit down and discuss things with her and see where we go from here. Is there anything I can do/ say to convince her that speaking about things may help?

I'm lost, I need advice.

clairec79 · 14 June 2017 at 11:33AM

She's not your girlfriend any more she's your ex

In truth she probably had already mentally checked out of the relationship before she cheated, and the cheating may even have been a way for her to end it

Guest101 · 14 June 2017 at 11:40AM

How long ago was this?

KateySW · 14 June 2017 at 11:49AM

Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time

what an awful thing to happen.

It sounds to me like your ex has already accepted the relationship as dead, at least right now. Whether she feels that way in time to come is a different issue, but in this situation I really don't think it should be you chasing after her and trying to patch things up. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to carry on the relationship right now and that's that, however painful.

You deserve to be treated well by someone and if she doesn't think the relationship has any legs in it, even if you got back together you would not be happy. The impetus has to be on both sides to fix it if there's any chance it can work.

So, leave it be (as impossible as that might feel right now) and do what you need to do to look after yourself: surround yourself with family and friends who you can rant/cry/talk to and get the emotional support you really need. Make plans with family or friends. Watch rubbish comedy films in your pyjamas and eat as much junk food as you can manage. Read books, go on days out. Do anything that lifts you up, even temporarily. It all helps.

It'll be really tough and it'll feel s***, but gradually, as time passes, it will start to feel less s***, trust me.Take care.

Malthusian · 14 June 2017 at 12:19PM

She doesn't want to be your girlfriend anymore. But she thinks it's easier on you if she takes all the blame for ending the relationship. She wants you to be the one who chucks her for cheating, instead of her to be the one who leaves because she isn't into you anymore.

If she wanted to continue the relationship she would have already accepted your forgiveness.

Or not, I am making some heavy assumptions from a small number of facts. But if you assume the relationship is over and are wrong then it doesn't matter as you will be back together, whereas if you assume the relationship is still going and are wrong then you will waste a lot of emotional energy on a lost cause.

If it was me I would ask her to meet in person on neutral ground - a coffee, whatever - and tell her that I have accepted that the relationship is over, but I want to see her in person and not let the last conversation be an unhappy series of text messages. If what she's told you via text isn't what she really thinks you'll find out then. Then you'll have done all you can.

Guest101 · 14 June 2017 at 12:26PM

OP if you are willing to forgive this immediately without question, it's going to have a double effect:

1: Your ex girlfriend will think you don't care about the relationship. If you can forgive betrayal so easily, you aren't really invested in it.
2: She's going to do it again.

Take some time to be just you.

Captain_Charisma · 14 June 2017 at 12:37PM

Malthusian wrote: »

If it was me I would ask her to meet in person on neutral ground - a coffee, whatever - and tell her that I have accepted that the relationship is over, but I want to see her in person and not let the last conversation be an unhappy series of text messages. If what she's told you via text isn't what she really thinks you'll find out then. Then you'll have done all you can.

This is exactly what I want, just a chat, face to face, so far she has declined to meet for reasons stated in the OP, hopefully she'll mellow and we can talk

tizerbelle · 14 June 2017 at 12:45PM

You need to step back. She doesn't want to meet you to talk face to face, if she did you would have already. Stop contacting her. You can not force the continuation of a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in it anymore.

hazyjo · 14 June 2017 at 1:42PM

Is she still with the co-worker or was it a one night stand?

Maybe she told friends and family that it was you who slept with someone to avoid awkward questions and would find it hard going back on what she said.

Who knows!

From your posts, the only thing that does seem obvious is that she doesn't want to see you. When you say 'all our conversation' - what sort of conversation? You asking her about meeting up/getting back together?

Were you renting? Bought? Deal with the practical side. If joint, she can't just leave. She'll prob be jointly liable.

Sounds like she's just trying to let you down (again) gently rather than say she's not interested. If she's told you otherwise, try to meet her somewhere neutral.

IAmWales · 14 June 2017 at 2:26PM

Have a read of the thread from the last time you were in this situation.

The same advice applies now.

suejb2 · 14 June 2017 at 2:53PM

Blimey, you don't have much luck with relationships do you? Reading your other post from a few years back I'd leave the ladies alone for a while!

My Girlfriend Cheated

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