Friend is getting divorced - why do I feel so sad?

Proper_Transformer · 10 February 2010 at 2:17PM

Usual story - old user; new username.

I have been friends with someone for around 7 years. He has always claimed he's happily married and in 2005, he became a dad for the first time.

His wife is very ill mentally and has run away quite a lot and has then ended up in hospital.

On Sunday, he posted a song on Facebook and said "this is how I feel right now". I listened to the song and thought I was reading far too much into it. I didn't bother saying anything to him - I thought if he wanted me to know what was going on; he'd tell me.

Yesterday, he said something on facebook and yet again, I thought I was reading too much into it again; so left it.

Last night, I went around to his to collect something. (I was at his last week and left something there)

We talked for a few hours. He said that they're now splitting up because he can't cope any more and that she (for her own sake) is going into a care home.

Whilst I didn't show this; I was rather upset - we've seen each other (not like that - we're just friends) quite a lot over the last month and he doesn't seem happy at all - but when I've asked him if he's ok, he's said he's fine. I put that down to him missing his wife.

Just before I left, he said "I hope you don't end up like her". This scared me for some reason. (I have depression - this is getting worse and now affecting me physically)

Bitsy_Beans · 10 February 2010 at 2:21PM

Are you sad because you thought they had a good marriage and the reality didn't match your expectations? Are you sad about what he said to you turning out like his wife?
If you are close friends why wouldn't you feel sad for them, no one likes to see their friends unhappy.

Lotus-eater · 10 February 2010 at 2:24PM

Don't get it, you're sad because a friend is getting divorced, that means you're sad for him, which is normal.

Or you're sad because he said something which was not needed and probably not relevant to you? Bearing in mind he is upset, depressed and unhappy that he is splitting up with his wife and his whole life feels like it is going to pot, he can't really be blamed for saying something silly.

Everyone's different, just because his wife ends up in a metal hospital, doesn't mean you will. Doesn't mean you don't have to deal with it now and stop it getting any worse though.

Pee · 10 February 2010 at 2:25PM

Agree with the person above, your post doesn't make it very clear why you are feeling sad, and a certain amount of sadness is to be expected. Of course it's very hard to make a clear post when you are feeling a bit shell shocked!

Were you upset by the suggestion that you might turn out like his wife?

eklynne · 10 February 2010 at 2:26PM

Are you friendly with his wife?
Of course you are going to feel sad, divorce is a very sad thing, especially where children are involved. It's not easy but try and put your own sadness to the side for a bit and concentrate on being a good friend. Channel your sadness into being constructive about the situation.
Best of luck x

SandC · 10 February 2010 at 2:43PM

I also get the impression that you are upset because he didn't confide in you before now.

If that's the case - don't be. When things happen to people sometimes they have to work through them completely by themselves and not involve any friends, no matter how close. He, at least, has not gone off into solitary and not been in touch with you or anyone else.

If it's because of him and his wife splitting, then of course you will be sad. If it's because of what he said about your personal situation - take it for what it is - someone desperately unhappy that love and marriage is not enough to cope with serious mental illness and that he doesn't want to see you go the same way. He will know in himself this won't be the case but at the moment, emotions are raw and it would have been a throw away comment.

Right now, just be there for him in whatever form that takes. A listening ear is usually the most cherished thing a friend could be.

Proper_Transformer · 10 February 2010 at 5:48PM

Pee wrote: »

Were you upset by the suggestion that you might turn out like his wife?

Yes.

Are you friendly with his wife?

I don't know his wife.

If it's because of what he said about your personal situation - take it for what it is - someone desperately unhappy that love and marriage is not enough to cope with serious mental illness and that he doesn't want to see you go the same way.

Now it makes sense, thanks.

chesky369 · 10 February 2010 at 6:58PM

......not like that - we're just friends......

Is this what's at the bottom of it? Do you want to be more than just friends?

Proper_Transformer · 10 February 2010 at 8:13PM

chesky369 wrote: »

......not like that - we're just friends......

Is this what's at the bottom of it? Do you want to be more than just friends?

No I don't.

Friend is getting divorced - why do I feel so sad?

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