Your thought's please

gareth01422 · 29 September 2009 at 9:07PM

Hi guys
I have been carrying this issue around in my head for the past year now and its really getting to me. I have about 4 nights a week where I can’t sleep due to thinking about it so much. It’s quite a long story but I think it’s fair to get all the info before I ask you for your thoughts.
Last year on the 12th October me and my girlfriend had a bit of an argument, I don’t know what over I just know it was something silly. I do remember sending each other text messages with verbal abuse. Anyway we were meeting in the pub that night with her family for a drink due to it being my birthday. After a bit of making up by text I decided I would go with them. I met them in the pub and could see my girlfriend was a little tipsy. After an hour or so she went to the toilet with her mother so I broke the first rule of relationships, checking the old mobile phone. I found a messages in there to a guy she once worked with. Before I carry on we already had arguments about him because he once phoned her up and said things like “what you doing going out with him?” and “I would buy plenty of sexy underwear”. So this guy was supposed to right out the picture now as this was 6 months my birthday. Anyway the messages in the phone were “what you doing tonight? Where you going? Fancy meeting up?” So as you can image I was getting really mad. I didn’t say anything in the pub I waited till I got home, and then I asked her out right what the hell was going on? Yes I was very mad, yes I was shouting. I thought all this with this guy was over. She put on her coat and got in her car and drove off. She was well over the limit; well she could hardly walk straight. So I jumped in my car and went looking for her. After 30 minutes I found her car right outside this guys house (well sort of right outside as I don’t which house it is exactly but his car was across the road so I knew I was in the right street). And like a stupid person i started knocking on doors where the lights were on but no one answered. I came home and phoned her mum as i was so mad, I honestly thought I was going to do something really stupid. I also phoned her best friend who lived just round the corner from this guy. So everyone was trying to get in-touch with her. After another hour I got the call of her friend asking me to go pick her up. When I got round my gf was in the bathroom and I asked her friend what was going on and she replied “she did it to wind you up”. Well it worked. I got her home and just left her in bed then phoned her friend up to try find out more as my gf was in bed. She told me she was with this guy but nothing happened. I also phoned her sister as I know she was talking to her too while she was missing, and she told me the same in a round about way. My girlfriend finally woke up and we got talking about it and her excuse was she didn’t see the guy because he was at the pub and she went to the park at the end of the road then went to friends. None of this fits as it was raining all night and she was dry as a bone when I picked her up, also her car had moved further down the street. Also with her best friend and sister telling me she was with him. I’ve every way possible to try put it behind me but I can not do that anymore. I love her to bit and I suppose that’s why I’m still with her. Am I being paranoid or did more happen and its one big cover up.

kindofagilr · 29 September 2009 at 9:11PM

Hmm this happened nearly a year ago and your asking now?

Sorry I am jsut confused by that.

If you love her to bits and are still with her a year later then you need to learn to get over this?

gareth01422 · 29 September 2009 at 9:19PM

kindofagilr wrote: »

Hmm this happened nearly a year ago and your asking now?

Sorry I am jsut confused by that.

If you love her to bits and are still with her a year later then you need to learn to get over this?

Would you?

I have asked a few times since and got the same answers apart from when ive asked she gets really mad and goes off on one. Like i shouldnt be asking. and yes i have explained that now of the events of that night gell together like she says.

smartpicture · 29 September 2009 at 9:25PM

That was all a bit jumbled & long-winded, it certainly sounds like you're obsessing over details that are best left in the past, because the truth is you will never know what happened - you just have to decide whether you want a relationship with this girl, and if so, choose to believe that nothing happened.

The important thing is - was this a one-off incident? Or has she given you other reasons to distrust her, or played games with your feelings or behaved like a drama queen? If this is a pattern of behaviour, then you are right to worry about this and you would be better walking away. If it was a one-off, and her normal character & behaviour is to be a trustworthy girlfriend who is considerate of your feelings, then you should be able to focus on that and not let one incident ruin something good.

No-one should be punished for over a year for something that may not even have happened.

Teenie_D · 29 September 2009 at 9:30PM

Hi

Sorry to be blunt but you have 2 options either let it go and forget about it or finish it as you obviously dont trust her.

You will probably never find out what actually happened so if you are going to keep the relationship going then you have to forget about it or it will probably drive a wedge between you anyway. Personally if it still eating at me a year later I would probably call it a day.

Dont know what else to say.
Good luck

gareth01422 · 29 September 2009 at 9:31PM

smartpicture wrote: »

That was all a bit jumbled & long-winded, it certainly sounds like you're obsessing over details that are best left in the past, because the truth is you will never know what happened - you just have to decide whether you want a relationship with this girl, and if so, choose to believe that nothing happened.

The important thing is - was this a one-off incident? Or has she given you other reasons to distrust her, or played games with your feelings or behaved like a drama queen? If this is a pattern of behaviour, then you are right to worry about this and you would be better walking away. If it was a one-off, and her normal character & behaviour is to be a trustworthy girlfriend who is considerate of your feelings, then you should be able to focus on that and not let one incident ruin something good.

No-one should be punished for over a year for something that may not even have happened.

Yer I'm sorry it was a bit long.

There was another time when we hadnt been going out long that she was supposed to kissed another guy in a pub that i got told about by another friend of hers. Dont get me wrong she is brilliant, I mean i love her to bits, she is amazing in lots of ways but naturally she is a secretive person, i.e. yes no answers when she is on the phone. But my main issue is we have a child each from relationships before and there is huge pressure from both our families to split up and im at the point where if im goin to loose my family over it, I need that trust back. Dont get me wrong im no angel either but ive never cheated on her with anyone and never would. Its just come a point where I feel i need to know the truth

Teenie_D · 29 September 2009 at 9:32PM

Great minds think alike smartpicture!

Marcheline · 29 September 2009 at 9:35PM

You have proved yourself unable to deal with this issue (a year's passing attests to that), so I think you should break up with her. That said, you are never going to get to the bottom of it, so you have 2 options: either stop asking her about it or end it. I personally wouldn't have believed what she told you that night and would have dumped her on the spot a year ago though. If you can't trust her, it's not a proper relationship in my opinion.

whitewing · 29 September 2009 at 9:40PM

I would dump a partner anyway the minute they drove a car when they were drunk.

gareth01422 · 29 September 2009 at 10:50PM

Also It was christmas day last year and i dropped her and her sister off at the pub before i took my son home, which usually takes me 2 hours there and back. when i got back we had dinner at her mum s and i found another text message to the same guy saying "merry xmas xxx" now i know 3 little x's doesnt really mean much but if you knew my gf she wouldnt do that, as i had a gay friend who used to do that with his text messages to me and she used to quiz me about it.

springclean · 30 September 2009 at 3:31AM

forgive my bluntness, but i don't think either of you are mature enough for a relationship. it's all sounding very schoolyard - tit for tat, banging on doors, checking phones.

if you're serious about keeping this relationship going, then i would suggest taking a step back, looking right into it and asking yourself some hard questions. you have jealousy issues, and that will impact on your GF's behaviour. i'm not saying she is blameless, but would she be communicating with someone else if you were the perfect man for her?

my ex husband was jealous (note the 'ex' part), and it's toxic. i realised eventually that his jealousy was not out of love for me, but for his own pride.

i wasn't cheating, and never had or would, but he was consumed with finding evidence that simpy wasn't there. i couldn't even speak to old (male) school friends who i might have bumped into, because i would get sarcastic comments, and once was dragged by the hand out of a pub to the taxi because just that happened. in the end i got so sick of being accused i began to hate him and left. it's quite insulting actually. i felt as if my hubby was calling me a tart.

i would ask you to ask yourself, why do you want to know what really happened that day? to prove yourself right or to just have the truth with which to work on and rebuild your love..?

if you want to be her man, then let go of the past, and be her man. be kind. love her. think of her. be everything she wants in a partner. talk. listen. understand. control your anger.

you will reap what you sow.

Your thought's please

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