help required please!

Megan73 · 6 August 2009 at 10:04PM

I split up with my partner 3 months ago and we have a 4 year old child together. I work 3 evenings a week and therefore relie on him to help me out with childcare.This hasn't been a problem until recently . Now he has decided that he is going to be an idiot and is bringing her home at all times and not sticking to her bed time routines. When I've spoke to him about this he's threatened me that if I don't like it then he will stop having her. I don't finish work until 8 30 so using a childminder or family member is out of the question. She starts full time school in september and I need to sort this before then. What do I do? I never thought he would use her in this way but he has. I only work part time but I don't want to give up work and live on benefits. I am going to college in September to change my career but won't be qualified till next year. I will still be working whilst at college. Do Igo to a solicitor and seek legal advice or is there another way? I feel so helpless and desperately need advice. Please help!!!!! Ps this problem has only started since he has found a female friend who has a child . Also I'd better add that I ended the relationship after 14 years and there were no third parties involved but obviously he is very bitter.

Zoelikesjam · 6 August 2009 at 10:25PM

Oh Megan, big huge HUGS
I used to have all sort of prolems with ex-oh when he had my eldest two. They would go for the weekend and come back grumpy, after having being aloud to go to bed at all hours and waking at 11am etc, they would be horrible on sunday, and monday morning ready for pre-school i would have to physically drag DD1 out of bed. It would take me two/three nights to get them back into a suitable routine and happy healthy( ex-oh smokes bucket loads around them and DS has asthma) only for it to all start again....
I dont know how to help with the childminder thing, apart from to say possibly friends/family/me?!!!!
Solicitors will help with mediation and possible CAFCASS who will work out things/
If you need to talk pm me xxxx

pigpen · 7 August 2009 at 11:19AM

Do you have any holidays due you can use while you sort some reliable childcare?
Could you possibly change your hours so someone else could take care of her while you work?

Mine left in March and used the evening childcare thing as a lever as well.. it didn't work, I just asked my sister to have them while I was at college 2 nights a week.. I start uni in september so I have no idea what I will be doing then. i think I'll just be leaving early to pick the children up from school the first weeks and see where I go from there.. not even sure if I can get any help with childcare! The children finish at 3 and I'll finish at 4, 4 nights a week! Though, my sister isn't working so I may be relying on her somewhat! and my DIL is hopefully going to be living closeby and will help if I ask.

If there is anything we can offer to help please don't hesitate to ask. sadly I am a little too far away to help but if I could I would!

Good luck hun, and you CAN sort this!!

Pee · 7 August 2009 at 1:23PM

I think you want to be able to negotaite something here, because he is her Dad and it would be nice if he saw her as well as helping you out with childcare.

It's very likely that his new friend is behind this. It's also very likely that he doesn't place the same importantance on routine. Does he ever have to deal with her when she is tired?

Are you friends with anyone who might be able to act as a bit of a go between, his mum perhaps?

It's very normal to have problems when one party meets someone new, but work at it because the relationship you and your ex can maintain as parents is very important for your child.

Valli · 7 August 2009 at 3:41PM

Megan (((hugs))) it's such a shame when they see it as a lever/threat. Instead he SHOULD be thinking how lucky he is to be able to maintain an ongoing relationship with his daughter where he is truly part of her life. It won't be for ever but it's such a precious time NOW and he should be grateful he is able to be in her life to such an extent.
have you considered (very expensive, be warned) mediation? In Chesterfield there is a mediation service - NCH run it so they would be ideal if you can get him down there...

sonsbear · 7 August 2009 at 4:02PM

I really feel for you.

Getting child care til 8.30 with a childminder is virtually impossible. However, is it the fact that the hours are unsociable or is it the money?

Might be worth getting a list of childminders from the council and just checking that there isn't one odd soul who could do it and if you are able to claim working tax credit you should get some money back.

It still might be worth you looking again at family and friends and running it past a couple of people. You don't know until you ask. If money is the problem rather than the unsociable hours perhaps you could swap a favour or skill or have someone else's child in return? At least until you can get things sorted out.

You'll be able to call his bluff too if you've got alternatives.

Have you got any legal things in place re access? You could pursue mediation

Quillion · 7 August 2009 at 4:25PM

I will help when i can Megs you know that. There is some great advice above i know you tried the mediation and this was a no go. I think you should aske at work to see if you can get anyine to swap a shift and this will help you even more.

We will work this out one way or another even if i have to get bunk beds xx

newcook · 7 August 2009 at 5:18PM

Could your DD not stay overnight at ex's?? this way she can keep her normal bedtime routine, dad gets to spend more time with her (and do nice things like bedtime story etc). when she starts school he could take her to school the following morning.

my guess is he is bringing her back later because he misses her

Valli · 7 August 2009 at 6:10PM

Pee wrote: »

It's very normal to have problems when one party meets someone new, but work at it because the relationship you and your ex can maintain as parents is very important for your child.

But wouldn't you think this ex would be being awkward if OP had met someone new?
My ex went BALLISTIC when I asked him to let me know, in advance when he would NOT be having the kids (we had arrangements for saturdays and he kept going for weekends away) saying I was asking him to work round ME! Not at all - but it was my only 'day off' and it meant me having to change MY arrangements at the last minute because he was suddenly unavailable...
he claimed I was asking him to check with me if it was ok for him to go away. All I wanted was reasonable warning.

Jo_R_2 · 7 August 2009 at 10:23PM

Valli wrote: »

But wouldn't you think this ex would be being awkward if OP had met someone new?
My ex went BALLISTIC when I asked him to let me know, in advance when he would NOT be having the kids (we had arrangements for saturdays and he kept going for weekends away) saying I was asking him to work round ME! Not at all - but it was my only 'day off' and it meant me having to change MY arrangements at the last minute because he was suddenly unavailable...
he claimed I was asking him to check with me if it was ok for him to go away. All I wanted was reasonable warning.

Wow this sounds scarily like my ex! He used to turn things round like that and make out everything I asked was to suit me and fit round my social life - what he actually meant when he said this was that I was inconveniencing his plans by expecting him to have the kids...:rolleyes:

OP - in principle I think your ex looking after your DD is right. However in reality I think given his attitude it may end up causing more problems than it's worth. Is there any possibility he might let you down with having DD - would he be that spiteful? If so then it may be worth looking now into alternative arrangements. Do you have a childcare link website in your area? We have one as part of the council website and you select an area and what sort of childcare you need (nursery, childminder etc) and it lists all registered childcare for that area with contact details. Would you be eligible for help with childcare costs?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted · 7 August 2009 at 11:03PM

Telling him that you will have to leave work without reliable child care, which means he needs to increase his maintenance payments to compensate for this, can focus his mind...

help required please!

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