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Definative guide to capitalism, socialism etc (Funny ha ha).
fc123
Posts: 6,573 Forumite
No idea if this has been posted before...but made me smile today.....and that is a mean feat at the moment....
Easy Guide to Economics by Gordon 'Slackjaw' Brown
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with
a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon'and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both have mad cow disease.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the s**t out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy........!!!!
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
Easy Guide to Economics by Gordon 'Slackjaw' Brown
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with
a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon'and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both have mad cow disease.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the s**t out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy........!!!!
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
0
Comments
-
I would ammend Socialism as follows;
You (Ben Elton, Sting, R Bremnar) own 2000 cows
You state you believe in sharing the wealth, but you dont actually share it yourself.
Being branded a socialist gives you an emmotional return (others think kindly of you), but like Sting you sit on a huge pile of wealth unshared0 -
From that description, I suggest we all move to Germany.
Or Australia sounds quite fun. Even Italy's not bad.
Better steer (excuse the pun..) clear of Iraq, America, China, Russia...oh, and Britain.
My favourite one was the surrealist option, definitely.
0 -
BTL landlord:
You have 2 cows, rent one out, use the equity to leverage up your cow empire until you have 900 cows.
Unfortunately, the price of cows is now at ludicrous, nay humourous, levels. There aren't enough people left who can afford to rent your cows. The bank that lent you the money to buy all your cows goes bust. Your cows are repossessed.
All the little people who couldn't afford to rent your cows cheer.
Unfortunately, your country is now full of cow poo (well, pats).
You're OK, though, as you've hidden a few spare cows from the taxman.
Great idea! :rolleyes:0 -
Estate Agent:
You steal someone's else's cow and try to sell it for twice what it's really worth before the owner finds out0 -
Estate Agent:
You steal someone's else's cow and try to sell it for twice what it's really worth before the owner finds out
Hey this thread is made to measure for you.'Just think for a moment what a prospect that is. A single market without barriers visible or invisible giving you direct and unhindered access to the purchasing power of over 300 million of the worlds wealthiest and most prosperous people' Margaret Thatcher0 -
Kirsty Alsopism
You have two cows but this time next year they will be worth 3 cows
If cows prices drop I'll eat my uddersHi, we’ve had to remove your signature. The one where you showed us Dithering Dad is a complete liar. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE Forum Team0 -
Tenant:
You have no cows. You rent a cow, but the price is so high you can't afford to save for your own cow. The government tells you you live in a cow-owning democracy.
All the people who already own cows are given extra milk. And in some cases extra cows.
All MP's get given free cows too.
Something doesn't seem quite right here.
What could it be? 0 -
Tenant:
You have no cows. You rent a cow, but the price is so high you can't afford to save for your own cow. The government tells you you live in a cow-owning democracy.
All the people who already own cows are given extra milk. And in some cases extra cows.
All MP's get given free cows too.
Something doesn't seem quite right here.
What could it be?
I am going to refrain from calling you a cow. I am going to turn over a new leaf.0 -
Thanks - going out to all my friends as I type;)Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.0
-
Oh dear..... I have been upstaged here....I can't think of any of my own (I posted a link sent to me)....and I'm feeling a failure.
I think the gold star goes to Carolt and post 8.
I am now going to try to think of an original one.............0
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