Think I'm ready to start a family but scared of losing independence

B.Inky · 13 March 2009 at 12:42PM

Hi Catzpaws,

I almost wrote an identical post to you the other day, we are the same age and in the exact same situation where I’m not 100% happy in my job, but we’re thinking of starting a family fairly soon (towards the end of the year when we will both be debt free!) It’s so difficult to know what to do, isn’t it? Jobs in my field are very sparse, and the job I’m in now, although I know I don’t want to be in it forever, is secure and reasonably well paid, although if we were to move and take a pay cut, it would help us to afford a house as we’re in an expensive area. So I was worried about trying to get pregnant just in case my dream job came up at a really inconvenient time, but then on the other hand if we held off having a family it could take ages to find new jobs and build up the job security that we have at the moment.

We’ve decided that the best solution is to just play it by ear and have a long-term plan, rather than wanting to have a dream job and family straight away. We’ll start thinking about having a family in a few months and if a job comes up at the wrong time then we’ll stay put. But we know that long term we want to move and we that our long term aim is to find new jobs and move, but we know that if we want to start a family then we have to lose the sense of urgency about moving as it could be inconvenient. But I don’t think that anyone is ever ‘ready’ really! The thought terrifies me too, as it’s such a big change, but you just have to accept that there will be sacrifices to make and it seems like you’re going into it with a clear idea of what those sacrifices will be. And I know from friends that once you have a baby, it’s all worth it.

Catzpaws · 13 March 2009 at 12:47PM

I've read through everyone's comments. Thank you so much for taking the time to give your thoughts. I need to leave the house now, and my sis is getting married tomorrow, and unfortuantely I won't get chance to log on... but I will reply when I get chance.

Thanks all so far xxx

galvanizersbaby · 13 March 2009 at 12:51PM

Catzpaws wrote: »

I've read through everyone's comments. Thank you so much for taking the time to give your thoughts. I need to leave the house now, and my sis is getting married tomorrow, and unfortuantely I won't get chance to log on... but I will reply when I get chance.

Thanks all so far xxx

Enjoy the wedding Catzpaws!:beer:

taxi97w · 13 March 2009 at 1:09PM

If the tables were turned and your husband could get pregnant:rolleyes:do you think he would want to give up his job and independance?
It's easy for him to say he wants a baby, cause he won't be the one getting pregnant and having to stay home to bring it up day in day out for the next I don't know how many years.

If in doubt, stay out!

Lois_and_CK · 13 March 2009 at 2:00PM

Rather than weighing up the practicalities of having a baby, why don't you explore your emotional feelings towards the idea? What I mean is, when you're around other people's children/babies examine the feelings you're having: do you get a yearning feeling? Do you long to hold your own baby?

You can get caught up in lots of reasons for and against having a child. It's never going to be an ideal time career or money-wise. You need to deal with whether you really want a baby instead - and most importanty not be swayed by what other people want you to do. If you've never felt particularly broody, then maybe having a baby at all isn't for you. I've known women who have admitted they didn't enjoy motherhood and regretted having their children. This thought always horrified me - how awful to go through all that and then spend the next 18 years regretting it. You don't want that to happen to you just because you, or other people, think you 'ought' to.

Or it may just be that you do want children, just not yet. If so, wait, do what you want to do with your career first, then revisit it. You're far more likely to enjoy your child (and less likely to resent it) if you haven't had to give up a career you love for it.

buxtonrabbitgreen · 13 March 2009 at 2:09PM

I also don't think you really want to have a baby yet. You seem to want to cement your career. However 32 is not so young and you may not find that it is so easy to get pregnant later as your fertility does decline as you get older. (mind you I had my last at 40) But a last baby is not the same as a first.

JoJoB · 13 March 2009 at 2:30PM

What will you regret most when you are old? The lack of perfect career or the lack of kids?

A couple the good things about taking some time out for maternity leave is that a) you have a job to go back to, and b) you have some headspace to decide whether you want to go back after all, and time to look for a position which suits you more.

If you leave it till after you have your professional qualification then all options are still open to you aren't they? You may decide you rather like being a stay at home mum instead and not minding a few economic sacrifices - attitudes towards this sort of thing can change hugely once the little one is in your life so it is difficult to plan for certainties really.

Your age is a factor. 32 is not at the panic stage just yet, but the longer you leave it the more statistically likely there could be complications like downs, and the more difficult it may be to conceive. I suppose you have to figure out how long it will take to "cement" your career and whether the length of time involved is a risk worth taking.

My opinion generally is that a career is only going to be rewarding up till you retire, whereas the children and grandchildren will be a source of joy for all your life (unless they turn out to be wronguns lol).

I had my first last year at 36 and plan to try for the next one this year - then do courses/volunteering etc until they are both of school age and then get back into work doing something I find fulfilling and rewarding. But in the meantime learn to live frugally so that when I do earn extra income it will be a nice bonus. And living frugally needn't be something to fear - life is great with me and I am very happy despite having very little, it's all about attitude really.

You sound very confused and I wish you well in what you decide!

Penny-Pincher!! · 13 March 2009 at 3:04PM

Catzpaws wrote: »

OH (34) and I (32) have been together for 8 years and married for 2. We've been talking about starting a family for a while now. It was always something that I would do 'at some point', but I've never been particularly broody. He's been ready for a while - a lot of his peers are now moving on to their second child - and he feels more of a sense of urgency than me.

A few months ago, we decided that it was time. We set a date to commence the baby-making :T, and I've been furiously doing the sums and (trying to) squirrell sums away. The whole 'watching money' and thinking 'I can't afford this' has been driving me mad! I feel like I've lost my freedom to some extent.

I've always been fiercely indpendent. I've dedicated time to studying/working hard hard hard. I feel like I've built things up - and have stuff that is my own... own money, own indpendence. I've now been in my current job for 4 years, and, whilst I love the nature of the job, it's not the right company for me. I would love to move to another job, but am wary of sacrificing the stability - not to mention my maternity leave rights, etc. So, on one hand, I think I ought to just play it safe and just stay where I am - and not thinkabout what *I* want from my career and my aspirations. Then, on the other hand, I think 'well, I can't put my life on hold' for the 'pregnancy plan' and think that I should pursue my desires (e.g. look for new job, etc.), and do the 'pregnancy plan' at the same time (e.g. start trying in May is the plan, and also to save/bust debts, etc.) - even if they will at some point conflict with each other.

I kind of feel held back at the moment because of this... and it's making me question whether I'm ready. I love my OH to bits, and while we have our ups and downs, he'll be a fantastic dad. And, I thought I was ready. But, I am really scared of losing my independence.

Does anyone feel like this? Shall I put the plan on hold for a few months?

Hold off for a few months. You dont sound to me like you are truly ready to commit to a baby just yet. When you are ready, the time will seem better than it does atm.

Your only 32. If I was you, I would sort my job/career first and get the job you are obviously yearning for. You seem like a hard worker and fiercely independant which is great, but if you are not in a happy place when you decide to go ahead with a baby, it may just push you over the edge and you have abviously worked very hard to get to where you are now.

I am 34 and have a 14yr DD, but I only really feel ready IYSWIM now to have a baby. Luckily OH & I are a good team and I was able to get on with my career and OH looked mainly after DD when she was a baby (he worked in IT and unsociable hrs), but I never got to really enjoy her as I was always working and just wasnt able to take time off and if I had a day off etc, I was always tired. She had a nanny/nursery at a young age and my job was stressful where as now I am more calm. I am unable to have any more children which is a shame but am lucky to have such a wonderful DD.

Babies are for life and not just Xmas:D .....go and be happy....your still a spring chicken;)

Hugs

PP
xx

allIcouldwishfor · 13 March 2009 at 3:11PM

In my case, I had a good career with prospects, working for a multi-national company in an exciting industry. Nobody ever thought I would have children, I didn't really like them much and couldn't really see the point. However, as soon as I fell for DS (not entirely planned but we'd just switched birth control and obviously something went amiss somewhere!!) I felt totally protective of him and in an instant he was a very much wanted and loved little bean. We could have done with him being a year later, as far as our financial situation was concerned, but we've managed. I remember being pregnant and ringing round nurseries to find out the cost of childcare and deciding we really couldn't afford to have a baby, but obviously it was a done deed by this point!

DS is now 7 and DD is 5, I'm not in a position to go back to my career as most of the industry I worked in is in London and I've no family to help me out if the trains are delayed, etc. so I am starting up a home-based business. I don't ever resent it though, life is what you make it and if you are an ambitious, driven person as you come across in your post, you can be successful at anything.

Sorry for all the waffle, I guess my point is that your reaction may surprise you, work isn't everything, and nobody ever lay on their deathbed saying "I wish I'd spent more time in the office!"

Tea_Bag_3 · 15 March 2009 at 5:03PM

Lois and CK says that there is never a perfect time to have a baby.. and I echo that sentiment. I also agree that you might want to explore your feelings a bit more, rather than try and make a rational decision based on money, job, finances etc.

nature is a weird and wonderful thing. if nature tells you you want a baby, there is no budget sheet in the world that could stand between you and that baby. and similarly, if you are not quite sure if you are ready, there is no way that The Right Time is ever going to appear.....

listen to your heart. and then be prepared to throw your plans in the bin. being a mother is never like you imagine it will be, and whether you can conceive or not is largely out of your hands too.

by the way, I am a mother of 3.... I love being a mum, but the fact is once the baby is there, you will be the one doing most of it all, not your husband!!! (whatever he says now!) if you feel pushed into it by him you will be resentful. decide want you want, for you.

Think I'm ready to start a family but scared of losing independence

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