Keeping Money and Family Separate

Sea_Shell · 5 January 2018 at 8:54AM

It is often said that Money and Family shouldn't mix....but in reality are you ever able to completely separate the two, especially if there are discrepancies of wealth within the family?

This can manifest itself in subtle ways.....meals out, lifts out and about, generally being expected to pay for/do things.

As we've read, it can also manifest itself in less subtle ways.....the biggy being disinherited.

How do you keep finances out of family affairs? Or do you think you shouldn't, and that you should distribute your wealth to them, without question?

thorsoak · 5 January 2018 at 9:00AM

So you wish to be part of a family yet keep your finances out of the family - correct? Why?

There are no pockets in shrouds!

FBaby · 5 January 2018 at 9:12AM

How do you keep finances out of family affairs?

Very easily, expect nothing! So many people actually plan their lives around the money they will get from family members and then get angry when it is not forthcoming having grown in the expectation a sense of entitlement.

My parents are at that age of planning what happens after they're gone and like to talk to me about it. I keep telling them that I don't want to hear it and don't care at all what they do with their money because all of it is what THEY accumulated through hard working all their lives. My dad mentioned doing a 6 months long cruise that would take a massive chunk of an investment he has and I shouted that they should go for it. My sister's face was something else though!!

Same with paying meals out etc... in our case, it's a fight of everyone wanting to pay rather than nobody wanting to! Again, it's about expectation and appreciation. Don't expect anyone to pay for you, but if they insist and do (and should only do so if they really want to), then do show that you value their gesture.

DevilsAdvocate1 · 5 January 2018 at 10:24AM

I don't expect anything from my parents or my husband's parents. However, as husband and wife everything is joint.

My husband has earnt the bulk of the money during our married life - coming up for 23 years. However, I gave up a career to look after our children when they were small and although I work now its not in the same industry.

My parents are quite elderly now and both have health issues. My mum is pretty much housebound and my dad is her carer. I help as best as I can. This means that they hardly spend any money as they own their house. My dad keeps telling me that each month he saves money and has offered to give me some, but I don't feel comfortable about this. Having said that, in November and December he transferred £500 in my current account quite out of the blue and told me to treat myself. He's never done this before and only had my account number because he once transferred some money into it so I could withdraw the cash when he lost his cashpoint card.

Dad has also recently set up Help to Buy ISAs for 2 of my 3 children. The youngest is too young for this, so dad has put the same amount of money into a bond for him.

I love holidays and we go away as often as we can. My eldest is getting a bit funny about this and told me recently that I should save the money as its his inheritence. Dream on son :rotfl:

Comms69 · 5 January 2018 at 10:54AM

thorsoak wrote: »

So you wish to be part of a family yet keep your finances out of the family - correct? Why?

There are no pockets in shrouds!

I suspect the OP means extended family when he/she mentioned being disinherited

gettingtheresometime · 5 January 2018 at 12:02PM

There's too many variables to give a one size fits all answer.

As an example my sister and her family are more wealthier than mine but mum treats us all equally in terms of birthday/Christmas presents.

If we met up then the bill is shared 50:50.

However my mum has been more generous to us in non monetary ways perhaps because we do a lot more for her.

When the time comes, she will treat my sister and I equally

NineDeuce · 5 January 2018 at 12:18PM

I spend all of the family's money. Then they dont have any money to moan about....

jackomdj · 5 January 2018 at 1:03PM

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

This means that they hardly spend any money as they own their house. My dad keeps telling me that each month he saves money and has offered to give me some, but I don't feel comfortable about this. Having said that, in November and December he transferred £500 in my current account quite out of the blue and told me to treat myself.

:

My parents are in a similar position, i had a big conversation with my Dad about it and now and I am happy to let him give me/spend money on me and my family since he says he would rather see us enjoy it and share in enjoyment than wait until he is dead when it will come to myself and sister anyway. He has sufficient money that what he gives us won't effect his day to day living, if it did that would be a different matter.

He bought my eldest niece her first car (plans on doing the same for my other niece and my two children), he has paid for my sister to go on holiday and is paying and coming with us this year (although we have paid for him in the past).

TBagpuss · 5 January 2018 at 1:47PM

It depends on how you are defining family, and what you class as finances.

The advice normally refers to things like loans to family members, or buyimng/owning property together, because of the difficulties and resentment it can cause if the borrower doesn't pay back the loan, or if the lender has to enforce it, or if one joint owner wants to sell and the other doesn't.

I don't think it would usually be interpreted to mean that you shouldn't (for instance) take family members out for a meal and pay the bill.

making gifts isn't the issue, nor is taking into consideration the other family members' financial position when suggesting joint activities, it's more about entering into financial transactions with family members.

TBagpuss · 5 January 2018 at 2:30PM

I think when it comes to inheritance etc FBaby has hit the nail on the head.
Expect nothing, demand nothing, and if you are given something, accept it gracefully.
I do think that if you are the one with money and are considering treating (say) your children differently to each other, it is a kindness to provide an explanation, either by discussing it with them ahead of time, or by leaving letters with your will, as what may seem obvious to you, isn't necessarily obvious to others, and if a child is left out of a will without explanation, or treated differently to their siblings, it can be very hurtful as it can be interpreted as meaning you loved them less.

Pollycat · 5 January 2018 at 2:38PM

TBagpuss wrote: »

It depends on how you are defining family, and what you class as finances.

Precisely.

OP - maybe you could be more specific to elicit more relevant responses.

Is it you who is being asked to pay for meals and provided lifts?
Or is your question purely hypothetical?

Keeping Money and Family Separate

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