Moral Support Needed On My Mortgage-Free Journey

cat04 · 21 October 2019 at 2:56PM

Hi all,

I had a thread on here a few years ago and was doing quite well at chipping away at the mortgage. Lots has happened since then, I tend to waffle dreadfully so I'm going to try and keep this first post short and sweet!

2010 - House purchased £132,500 mortgage approx £63,000 with Halifax (I had a huge divorce settlement I used as a deposit), due to end 2025 but aiming for 2020.
2014 - Married my second husband, love of my life etc etc
2017 - Got mortgage down to £30,000 just in time to borrow an extra £30,000 for an extension and improvements to our home. We rounded the DD up to the next £100 so there was always a £40+ OP plus whatever else I could throw at it. Due to end 2030

Nov 2018 - Find out the love of my life had been sleeping with someone else and didn't want to be with me anymore so he moves out and life comes crashing down around my ears.
Jan 2019 - 2 yr fixed period ended and as it was a joint mortgage and I couldn't take it on by myself at that time we signed up to another 2 yr fix with Halifax. Ex pays half of the rounded up mortgage payment each month and will do until I can take over the mortgage myself.

I have two girls, 12 and almost 15, from my first marriage. I teach part time in a nursery school (job security isn't great at the mo as our current funding levels are due to end next year and we like many other maintained nursery schools we have no idea if we will be able to afford to stay open due to the expense of paying qualified teachers

)

The reason why the title asks for moral support is because after 11 months of doing this on my own I'm really starting to struggle. I've always had anxiety of varying levels, although I was only able to give it this 'label' at Christmas when I read something about it, had an epiphany and realised I didn't just have quirks, I had anxiety! Kind of explains a lot.

But back to the mortgage. I own most of the house (deposit protected at the time of house purchase) and although I hate my ex with everything in me for what he did (I'm not going into the detail obviously but he was a !!!!!! to me and has been taking the mickey with stuff all year) but I will say he's been good when it comes to the house. Inheritance from my Nan was spent on the house, wedding and honeymoon so he's said to add that on to my deposit/50% share of the equity at the time he comes off the mortgage and he'll have the share that's left.

I'm not moving and he wouldn't try to force me to do so to get his share. I can't ever imagine him buying a house on his own (he's a man child for a start and couldn't run a house - that's not just me being bitter, he's admitted such himself). He's currently renting someone's spare room and has no plans to move in with his gf (she owns her own home). So he's in no rush for his share. He came into our relationship at 28 living in a house share, living wage to wage with nothing to his name. He's just turned 40 and is back in the same position.

But this isn't about him. This is about me trying to pay off my mortgage as quickly as possible on a reduced income. I'm aiming to take over the mortgage by the time the fixed period runs out in Jan 2021. So I'd like to get him off the mortgage asap so he's got gaining an more equity in it as this is our (girls and I) forever home, so it's not going to be sold. I'm just scared, really scared that I can't do this on my own (any of it - mortgage, looking after my girls, staying mentally well, keeping on top of housework, reversing the weight that's starting to go on because I'm struggling...).

So although this is going to be about chipping away at that mortgage, it's also somewhere I can empty my head. My parent's don't even know about the affair because my brother would actually find him and kill him, or at the very least drastically torture and injure him, plus I just couldn't tell them at the time and I feel like I've burdened them enough this last year. I can't share fully with my close friends because they have stuff of their own happening and again, I don't want to burden them any more than I already have done. Clearly I didn't keep this short, and thank you if you've read this far

cat04 · 21 October 2019 at 2:57PM

Ha, best go change my signature!

twinklie · 21 October 2019 at 3:25PM

Oh my, you've really been through it haven't you! Big hugs from me. But well done you. I think you need to just stop, get of the merry-go-round and give yourself a bit of a break.

You've managed to go through what you have, keep a job, raise two I'm sure lovely young ladies (although having been a secondary teacher I'm under no illusions that they have their moments), keep focused with what you are doing with the mortgage and try to remain as financially savvy as your situation allows despite what you've been going through.

Well done you!

I think it's lovely to be able to offload here - but just be mindful given your pictures on that anyone in RL that knows you could read this. That happened to a friend of mine re: things she was discussing on here and caused some issues within her family.

I would suggest that it might be worth off loading to someone in RL, whether it be someone you really trust (I'd hate to think one of my friends wouldn't tell me in case they thought they were burdening me), or perhaps a counselor?

I'm looking forward to following your journey and hope that in 12 months when you look back at this you can really see how far you've come and how much you've achieved.

cat04 · 21 October 2019 at 4:01PM

Thank you Twinklie, it's not been an easy 11 months and although I'm not one to big myself up I've done a lot better than I thought I would. In some ways not much has changed, I was always the one who sorted anything financial, I did 98% of the housework etc. If anything it's evening company I miss the most but I'm actually quite happy being on my own. My first husband was/is a narcissist and the kids don't really see him so I've not done a great job with that side of things!

I haven't posted on here for so long I didn't really think about my avatar, changed now for something generic

I taught secondary too before I went on maternity leave many moons ago! The girls are great, and although they do bits to help I don't want to put too much on them as the break up devastated them (obviously didn't tell them all the details!) and with them starting Yr7 and Yr10 they need space and help themselves. I do share some things with my friends, just not the full extent of the mental struggles. Even though I know deep down his change of feelings and affair was not my fault (he's told me this himself and I do believe him) I still blame myself. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough or funny enough, we didn't do many exciting things together anymore blah blah blah.

I've thought about a counsellor, but right now I don't know if I want to rake over it all again, or bring up feelings about myself I've burried! He didn't even have the guts to tell me himself, I got a parking ticket through the post on the anniversary of my Nan's death no less, where he'd parked my car in a hotel car park for several hours in the early hours of my eldest's birthday. It was only down the road from us next door to a pub he's had a gig at that night. There was no other explanation for it and he reluctantly admitted it. See, I feel a lot more at ease spilling my life story on here then I do talking about it in person!

When my head's in it I'm doing little bits that I can to save money and help towards mortgage ops. As well as the rounded up DD I was making small over payments, always making the outstanding mortgage figure nice and round as it feels more manageable that way lol. Recently I've overpaid by the monthly interest amount which feels good to do. Guaranteed to have a round figure that way!

Mortgage is currently £47,200 and by Jan 2021 I'd like to get that down to £40k, which after the monthly DDs leaves me roughly £1,250 to find in OPs. Part of me would like to aim for £35k but I know I need to keep things realistic as I also need to build up my savings. Had/having loads of work done on the house this year thanks to my brother and dad (bank of mum and dad are insisting on paying for quite a bit of this - spending my inheritance on me now which is amazing of them), and went on a much needed holiday with friends this summer too which ate into savings.

Like you I calculate the daily interest every month,love seeing it going down! For September it was £3.64 a day, with a decrease of 4.1p a day from August. Love a new month rolling round so I can make my over payment and work out the daily interest haha. I just have to try and block out we would have been finishing our original mortgage in February on my 40th birthday, if we hadn't already had done so this year. But I have my lovely kitchen and extension so I can live with it. Just

beanielou · 21 October 2019 at 9:45PM

Happy shiny new diary

Will follow your journey.

cat04 · 21 October 2019 at 10:07PM

Thank you beanielou, focusing on the mortgage and savings is going to help me two fold. Firstly my mind will be occupied and secondly my mortgage will (hopefully!) get paid off quicker

beanielou · 21 October 2019 at 10:30PM

Do you have 4 cats?

cat04 · 22 October 2019 at 8:54AM

Haha no, no cats at all. The Cat is the first part of my name, and the 04 stems from 2004 when I started a new email account/ebay account/had DD1 so stuck that on the end of everything.I never have been very imaginative when it comes to making up user names etc, and always want to get started super quick so whack in something easy then regret it afterwards - especially on sites where you then can't change it :rotfl:

I'm on half term this week and yesterday I sat down and did a few surveys, managed to cash out a £10 Argos voucher and £10 Amazon voucher to go towards Christmas spends (also have DD1's birthday in two weeks, had DD2's last month too!). I've moved the equivalent to my savings account as I would have spent the cash on presents.

Until January I'm sticking with my current OPs - £41 ish rounded up DD plus whatever the interest is (roughly £111 a month depending on the number of days). With Christmas plus decorator plus new bedroom furniture x2 I can't spare anymore just yet.

I'm the flexible part time teacher at nursery so whilst numbers on role are low at the start of the new term I'm currently only working one day, from January it will be two or three days. Just unfortunate that whilst my hours are low I have a lot of outgoings coming up! I'm ok financially, in fact I've never been better off since my husband left lol. In hindsight he was actually quite selfish - I've earnt this wage so if I want to spend it on my expensive hobby I will do - which meant I often had to supplement the credit card bill with my inheritance as we always paid the full amount off each month. He went about it in totally the wrong way but it turns out I'm better off without him - financially or otherwise

This is how I deal with it, look for the positives and try and smile through it!

twinklie · 22 October 2019 at 9:42AM

Both my boys had their birthdays last month. They are only 4 and 7 though so easy enough to keep cheap. That said they had a joint party for approximately 30 kids which cost approx £200 all told (maybe a bit less).

I love your attitude. You are definitely better off without someone like that!

cat04 · 22 October 2019 at 10:17AM

Great timing isn't it?! Saved myself some money this year as it was the ex's 40th birthday last week. I know what I spent for his 30th so have saved myself the expense of a party and/or big present :rotfl:

It is hard, more now due to how it's affected me mentally (very low self esteem etc), but you are right, I'm better off without someone like that in my life. I very much loved him at the time but looking back I see the excuses I made for him as to why he hadn't done the DIY jobs in the house we said we'd/he'd do. With the help of my dad and brother lots of those things have been done, and will be mostly finished this year! That's really helped to give me a focus. I'm trying hard not to feel like I wasted my prime years with him.

I've done a few more surveys whilst sat with a cuppa this morning, listed some bits on FB Marketplace (with one enquiry so far) and got a bag of leftover unsold carboot bits sorted for the charity shop to take later

twinklie · 22 October 2019 at 11:46AM

You’ve been more productive than me then!

Moral Support Needed On My Mortgage-Free Journey

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