Budget predictions 2026

HedgehogRulez

Given there’s only 51 weeks to the budget, what are the hive mind’s thoughts on upcoming announcements?

Bingo dabblers at the ready:
IT/NI changes
Salary sacrifice for employer provided pizza days
TFLS changes
State pension age removal
State pension quadruple lock
Increased benefits for non-doms
Removal of child benefit for families with less than 3 children
Small House levy on properties worth less than £0.5m

BlackKnightMonty

Quintuple lock for Pensioners. State pension increases now linked to the price of a Daily Mail annual subscription.

molerat

5..........4...........3..........2...........1..........

singhini

THE COMPLETELY SOUND BUDGET 2026

(A Statement to the House of Commons, read with a straight face)

Mr Speaker,
Today I present a Budget so innovative, so bold, that future historians will refer to it only as “The Incident.”

---

INCOME TAX REFORMS

• The Basic Rate will be increased to 35%, because if there’s one thing low- and middle-income earners enjoy, it’s contributing significantly more than they currently do.

• Those earning over £125,000 will now retain their full Personal Allowance, because fairness is important.

• Higher-rate taxpayers (40%) will now receive a £2,000 savings allowance, while additional-rate taxpayers (45%) receive £2,250, because if the cost-of-living crisis has taught us anything, it’s that high-interest savers need more support.

• An Annual Tax Cap of £12,000 per person is introduced. No matter how much you earn, you shall contribute no more. Millionaires rejoice; your yacht fuel is safe.

---

BENEFITS & WELFARE

• 45% taxpayers will now receive a percentage-matched uplift in Unemployment Benefit, so if they lose their job, they will be paid the luxurious unemployment lifestyle they truly deserve.

• All state benefits will be abolished, except Unemployment Benefit — which will only be available to those who previously paid the 45% tax rate.
  Everyone else may simply consider this “character development.”

---

TRANSPORTATION

• All buses and trains will become entirely free for everyone, fully funded by the complete removal of the welfare state.

• All other forms of transport will be replaced by Human Powered Vehicles (HPVs) — bicycles, pedal-cars, and anything else propelled by legs.
  Pensioners, people in rural Scotland, and anyone facing a hill: good luck.

---

DEFENCE & JUSTICE

• Anyone sent to prison will now be automatically enrolled into the army, where they will be immediately deployed to the front line.
  Training is unnecessary, as we do not expect them to survive beyond the first 48 hours.
  This new policy is called “Operation Rapid Redemption.”

---

SCIENCE & INNOVATION

• Pharmaceutical companies are banned from conducting medical tests on animals.

• They must instead hire Medical Research Participants — highly motivated human volunteers who are paid to be poked, injected, prodded, and occasionally vaporised in the name of progress.

---

LABOUR MARKET & LIVING STANDARDS

• The Minimum Wage will be standardised across all age groups, so 16-year-olds working in corner shops can finally earn as much as adults — right before they cycle 20 miles home on their HPV.

• The Government will give everyone a free chocolate bar on their birthday.
  Those with diabetes will instead receive a tasteful photograph of a chocolate bar for their scrapbook.

---

CONCLUSION

This Budget aims to reshape Britain into a nation that is:

• fiscally confused

• morally questionable

• physically exhausted

• and constantly pedalling

Mr Speaker, I commend this Budget to the House.

singhini

NEW RIDICULOUSLY BRILLIANT POLICIES

1. National Kettle Limit (NKL): Each household may boil a kettle only three times per week. Extra boils require a Boiling Licence, issued after a written exam.

2. Mandatory Nap Hour: Every citizen must nap at 2:17pm sharp. Failure to sleep in 10 minutes incurs a £4.50 “Alertness Tax.”

3. Compulsory National Choir: Everyone aged 7+ must sing the new anthem: “We Apologise for the Budget.” Tunefulness optional.

4. Hedgehog Priority Lanes: Motorways will now include exclusive lanes for hedgehogs. Drivers who stray must attend a Hedgehog Awareness Workshop.

5. Price Cap on Umbrellas: Umbrellas shall cost exactly £2.17, regardless of size or quality.

6. Great Biscuit Standardisation Act: All biscuits must be the same size, flavour, and collapse rate. Non-compliance results in fines payable in bourbons.

7. Annual National “Swap Your Job” Day: Everyone must swap jobs for 24 hours — surgeons become lollipop ladies, barristers become plumbers, and the Chancellor becomes a traffic cone.

8. National Mattress Rotation Programme: Citizens must rotate mattresses monthly at 4am, guided by a nationwide siren.

9. Snacks Allowed in Parliament: MPs may bring snacks, but rustling above 35 decibels results in immediate surrender to the Speaker.

10. Ministry of Unexpected Noises: A new department will generate random honks, squeaks, and boings in public spaces to “maintain alertness.”

hyubh

singhini said:

THE COMPLETELY SOUND BUDGET 2026

(A Statement to the House of Commons, read with a straight face)

Mr Speaker,
Today I present a Budget so innovative, so bold, that future historians will refer to it only as “The Incident.”

---

INCOME TAX REFORMS

• The Basic Rate will be increased to 35%, because if there’s one thing low- and middle-income earners enjoy, it’s contributing significantly more than they currently do.

• Those earning over £125,000 will now retain their full Personal Allowance, because fairness is important.

• Higher-rate taxpayers (40%) will now receive a £2,000 savings allowance, while additional-rate taxpayers (45%) receive £2,250, because if the cost-of-living crisis has taught us anything, it’s that high-interest savers need more support.

• An Annual Tax Cap of £12,000 per person is introduced. No matter how much you earn, you shall contribute no more. Millionaires rejoice; your yacht fuel is safe.

---

BENEFITS & WELFARE

• 45% taxpayers will now receive a percentage-matched uplift in Unemployment Benefit, so if they lose their job, they will be paid the luxurious unemployment lifestyle they truly deserve.

• All state benefits will be abolished, except Unemployment Benefit — which will only be available to those who previously paid the 45% tax rate.
  Everyone else may simply consider this “character development.”

---

TRANSPORTATION

• All buses and trains will become entirely free for everyone, fully funded by the complete removal of the welfare state.

• All other forms of transport will be replaced by Human Powered Vehicles (HPVs) — bicycles, pedal-cars, and anything else propelled by legs.
  Pensioners, people in rural Scotland, and anyone facing a hill: good luck.

---

DEFENCE & JUSTICE

• Anyone sent to prison will now be automatically enrolled into the army, where they will be immediately deployed to the front line.
  Training is unnecessary, as we do not expect them to survive beyond the first 48 hours.
  This new policy is called “Operation Rapid Redemption.”

---

SCIENCE & INNOVATION

• Pharmaceutical companies are banned from conducting medical tests on animals.

• They must instead hire Medical Research Participants — highly motivated human volunteers who are paid to be poked, injected, prodded, and occasionally vaporised in the name of progress.

---

LABOUR MARKET & LIVING STANDARDS

• The Minimum Wage will be standardised across all age groups, so 16-year-olds working in corner shops can finally earn as much as adults — right before they cycle 20 miles home on their HPV.

• The Government will give everyone a free chocolate bar on their birthday.
  Those with diabetes will instead receive a tasteful photograph of a chocolate bar for their scrapbook.

---

CONCLUSION

This Budget aims to reshape Britain into a nation that is:

• fiscally confused

• morally questionable

• physically exhausted

• and constantly pedalling

Mr Speaker, I commend this Budget to the House.

Amazing. You haven't been paying attention much over the past 15 years presumably...?

singhini

Too busy writing policies