My partner's debt

Chucklechops

Hi

My partner has credit card debt of around £9,000, but it could be more. Whenever I bring it up, he gets extremely defensive & clams up.

Even though he's previously told me that he's paying off £500 per month, whenever I ask him the balance on his card, the figure seems to be increasing.

He just doesn't want to talk about this issue, and I'm tearing my hair out as it's going to affect our future.

Is there anything I can do? I feel that the only way to tackle this debt is for my partner to actually want to tackle it, but he seems to have his head in the sand.

Can anyone offer any help as to how I can get him to talk?

Thank you.

fatbelly

Does he still spend on the card? What does he spend it on?

Any other debts?

Brie

Debt is one of those things like gambling or drinking.  Until the individual is ready to face up to it and try to address the problem there is little others can do to help.   You might refer him gently to one of the major debt agencies, StepChange, NationalDebtline, Community Money Advice.  They may be willing to talk to him alone about his debts so he's more able to open up.  

Meanwhile I'd suggest protecting yourself from his bad habits.  Maybe not have joint accounts or have his pay going into one you control so you can place it where it's really needed. 

If he is using any CCs for which you are the named account holder cancel them.  You don't want him running up debt that you are responsible to clear.  This may be a case of saying "I've found a better card to use so I've cancelled the Tesco one" and then simply not give him a card on your new account.

If he is savvy he's likely gone paperless on all his CCs so keep an eye out for the annual paper statement that banks have to send out.  That might be the only way you get a look at what the real situation is.  Not saying you should open his post but maybe be there when he opens it and hopefully use that as a way to have a conversation.  

Good luck, it's a tough situation.

jjjoe52

Chucklechops said:

as it's going to affect our future.

Is there anything I can do? I feel that the only way to tackle this debt is for my partner to actually want to tackle it

You are correct in every one of your points and you probably know the answer already, as you think differently about this quite important thing the relationship doesnt have a bright future.

Chucklechops

Thank you all for your comments.

Yes, he does still use the card, but tries to hide his spending from me. He doesn't have any other debts as far as I know, apart from our joint mortgage.

Thank you everyone, I'll have a think about my best course of action.

londoner2019

For many partners, the greatest fear is not the debt itself but coming clean to their partner. I would suggest you encourage him to be open and honest with you in a judgement-free zone. Tell him you won't be upset or angry, you just want to emotionally support him. 

Good luck with everything

DullGreyGuy

Chucklechops said:

Hi

My partner has credit card debt of around £9,000, but it could be more. Whenever I bring it up, he gets extremely defensive & clams up.

Even though he's previously told me that he's paying off £500 per month, whenever I ask him the balance on his card, the figure seems to be increasing.

He just doesn't want to talk about this issue, and I'm tearing my hair out as it's going to affect our future.

Is there anything I can do? I feel that the only way to tackle this debt is for my partner to actually want to tackle it, but he seems to have his head in the sand.

Can anyone offer any help as to how I can get him to talk?

Just because he is paying £500 a month to it doesn't mean he isn't spending another £800 on it. 

You're right on your penultimate point, if he is comfortable with the level of debt and enjoying whatever he is spending the money on then there is not really anything you can do about it. 

Personally think it's a difficult tightrope to walk... he's an adult, the debts in his name and so can do what he wants. Your not his mother/father so cannot tell him what to do and you dont want to come across as such. I'd suggest it's better to focus on the "affects our future" and really spell out what that means and make sure he agrees on what that future looks like and its timescales for achievement. If he does then jointly work on a plan of how you get there which hopefully he'll then agree that this debt is a problem.  

Ideally you'd know what he is spending it on, could just be the occasional beer or lunch out at work, these things can add up very quickly! Could be addictions to gambling, online gaming, shoes, drinking but thats secondary to agreeing the spending needs to reduce.