Watty's Awakening

LadyWithAPlan

Bargainhunter30 said:

Agree about the cleaner and also consider how much money you can earn in that time from your business compared to how much you would pay a cleaner. You're time is probably more valuable x

This is something I battle with, the cost of a cleaner vs my hourly rate vs my happiness and productivity having a clean home..

Sorry re the PTSD Watty - that book @debtfreewannabe321 suggested COMPLEX PTSD Pete Walker  you may find worth reading - whilst I have been so busy and not completed it - it  has really makes me think and i find my own self talk really has improved. I am recognising behaviours quicker which means I am becoming more self aware -

Watty1

Thanks.  I've messaged a cleaning agency and after a whatsapp chat I have someone starting tomorrow.  I think my mental state alone is good reason to have someone but there are some great points made here too about hourly rate and also supporting others.  

This morning I dusted off the book @debtfreewannabe321 recommended.  I'm aware that I let my coping strategies go as I was doing so well but this morning I was unable to get up without tears and feeling hopeless. If there were not three horses in their stables, a dog and a business I think I would still be in bed.     Logically I cannot have gone from happiness to this crash overnight as it seems and my coping strategies were clearly way more important than I thought.

beanielou

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗. Be kind to yourself. 

Cherryfudge

I'm sorry you got off to a rough start to the day. Clearly the coping strategies must be good ones if they get you to a point where you don't feel you need them, but 'look after yourself first' is clearly the maxim for you. Having the animals depend on you is important too. Ditto the business, but that doesn't look to you for breakfast.

That's great about getting a new cleaner. That will free you up for your wider goals.

I hope the day cheers up for you.

debtfreewannabe321

I'm totally getting the blip with the trauma that PTSD brings. This entire year so far I have been up and down with my MH. I've a few strategies that I've put together over the years and I always return to them. Unless of course I'm in self sabotage mode then I refuse to help myself 🙄 but .... Write down a few things that make you feel PEACE. That's the feeling we want instead of whatever we're feeling when we're hit with flashbacks or depression or whatever. We also want the feeling of SAFETY. What makes you feel safe? Write that down then put together a 'toolbox' for your emotional and mental health. A few of mine are- switching off social media and not talking to anyone it helps me to bring back all my energy to me instead of leaking it out to everyone else. I'm finding this hard with work lately so today I switched off self sabotage mode and took myself away from everyone at lunch, I grounded and ate alone whilst reading. I exercise and get fresh air as that brings me peace. Safety - I use an inner child meditation whereby I tell my inner child that I will take over, they are safe they are okay.... I find when I'm in an emotional flashbacks my inner child comes out to react (even if the trauma happened when I was an adult!). Find what works for you and put It in to practice because you deserve to be happy as we all do ❤️

Sending love. 
And fab on the new cleaner- don't feel guilty feel grateful! Life is too short! 

ajmoney

debtfreewannabe321 said:

Safety - I use an inner child meditation whereby I tell my inner child that I will take over, they are safe they are okay.... I find when I'm in an emotional flashbacks my inner child comes out to react (even if the trauma happened when I was an adult!). Find what works for you and put It in to practice because you deserve to be happy as we all do ❤️

I have been struggling over the last couple of days with something and this has really struck me. I don't know how I would take over as the responses I experience I have never really dealt with. I have a bit of time tomorrow where I will just be sitting during travel so I have just packed a notebook to try and come up with something. It might not work initially but I like this approach. Thank you x

debtfreewannabe321

ajmoney said:

debtfreewannabe321 said:

Safety - I use an inner child meditation whereby I tell my inner child that I will take over, they are safe they are okay.... I find when I'm in an emotional flashbacks my inner child comes out to react (even if the trauma happened when I was an adult!). Find what works for you and put It in to practice because you deserve to be happy as we all do ❤️

I have been struggling over the last couple of days with something and this has really struck me. I don't know how I would take over as the responses I experience I have never really dealt with. I have a bit of time tomorrow where I will just be sitting during travel so I have just packed a notebook to try and come up with something. It might not work initially but I like this approach. Thank you x

I bet there is a whole other tonne of ways to help (maybe internet search may help). I find this works for me and stops me debilitating myself. My sister - she locks herself in her house and never comes out... debilitating herself. I want to try and continue to live a normal life so try to mother the inner child and make her feel safe enough to allow the adult me to respond to crisis or flashbacks or whatever it is that throws you off on a day to day basis. I have a lot of childhood trauma though so most of my emotional flashbacks are to do with the inner child responding to things. ❤️

KajiKita

ajmoney said:

debtfreewannabe321 said:

Safety - I use an inner child meditation whereby I tell my inner child that I will take over, they are safe they are okay.... I find when I'm in an emotional flashbacks my inner child comes out to react (even if the trauma happened when I was an adult!). Find what works for you and put It in to practice because you deserve to be happy as we all do ❤️

I have been struggling over the last couple of days with something and this has really struck me. I don't know how I would take over as the responses I experience I have never really dealt with. I have a bit of time tomorrow where I will just be sitting during travel so I have just packed a notebook to try and come up with something. It might not work initially but I like this approach. Thank you x

I have never been a mother but I use the energy of compassion that arises when I am wanting to help or support a cherished friend or family member. 

KK

Watty1

Some very kind comments and ideas.     

A cleaning agency sent me someone today and she was fine so I have booked her for next week. I felt bad the house was so messy but I really tried to get it straight so she could clean and it looks a lot better. 

Being outside and with the horses helps so I rode Most Handsome.  He was surprisingly well behaved for him, Charming Cob would never be as naughty as him but a neighbour was here for her lesson and she wanted to practice being in an arena with other people as competes a lot and for some reason it has begun to worry her. Most Handsome and I went in and added the edge she was not looking for but she will get when she competes for sure.   Normally I would use CC for that and I felt sad as he stood by the fence and watched the whole thing.   I think part of my mental health crash is that it is looking like retirement for him is looming.  We will see the vet again tomorrow for a follow up and see if there are any improvements from the things we have tried.  

I really can't face cooking so popped to local garage and bought ready cooked chicken and salad for dinner and a quiche for tomorrow with salad.   I stayed away from the wine, I dont think that is helping at the moment.   Have spoken to the doctor and some blood tests booked so trying to find a balance.  Will think about a therapist too.

Cherryfudge

You are putting a lot of sensible measures in place to take best care of yourself and of CC.

CC's potential retirement will inevitably be a sad time, whether it's now or later, he sounds like the loveliest horse and such a good match for you. I know it's small comfort, but if you have to retire him, you will ease things for him physically and he will still have your company and care, while you will have all the experience he's given you to use with other horses and help them to be their 'best selves'.

Be gentle with yourself, you have a lot to cope with and you're doing an amazing job.