When a partner doesn't get it

Kim1965

Ibrahim5 said:

I remember when I was retiring early my wife went out with a group of housewives for lunch and they all agreed that my wife shouldn't permit me to retire. I also did a job where we got lectures about financial abuse. The implication was that if I tried to restrict her spending in any way that would be abuse.

I shall be financially abusing my wife later... When i transfer 8k into her sipp before end of tax year. Lol

handful

I have a relationship where my wife is very much the home maker and "in charge" when it comes to anything to with the house or garden. When it comes to finances it's me that does everything. She only works part time and has loads of leisure time, I work long hours and have to cram my own hobbies in where I can.

When it comes to discussions about retirement, I don't get a lot back from her. She tells me I should cut back and maybe drop to 3 or 4 days but without showing much sign of cutting back on spending to allow for the reduced income! I'm currently trying to pay more into a SIPP in her name because we are majorly "unbalanced" with regard to our pension pots. When I raise the subject of how much we would need to see us through to SPA etc, it's always avoided with a "not now, not a good time".  

Simon11

jim8888 said:

It's interesting how couples manage their finances. I have two male friends who are "the earners" and give their wives (effectively) pocket money. My wife and I, when we worked, totalled our joint incomes, paid the bills and divided any remainder equally by two (although I was the bigger earner by some way). "The bills" also included anything I was salting away into savings and investing, which she left me to manage. 

My wife and I, both have our salaries paid into our own bank accounts. We then calculate the monthly amount required to pay the household bills, food, cars ect and then split this amount based on the money we earn after tax. At the moment, I pay 2/3 of the bills and she pays the remainder. The rest of the money is used for personal fun, personal savings or, sometimes we increase our payments into the joint account when we have a holiday coming up.

I have always looked after the finances in our house and this includes the pension- My wife is on the teacher pension scheme, so very little that she needs to do apart from being in it!

I don't think there is really a need for both of us to be clued up on finances and she does quite a few roles in the house without me like managing the cars, Wi-Fi, TV stuff ect No point duplicating chores!

Nurse2047

My husband and I have a joint account, we both work full time and all the money is used as one pot for bills and anything left over I will add to savings etc.
it’s interesting how other couples share the finances. I have friends who get pocket money and have no concept tbh of how money works and it’s value. 

I am in charge of setting up the pensions, ISAs and kids accounts. Husband happy with that but will ask why we have to save x amounts and finds it difficult to understand that in 20 years when we wish to retire we may not have alot.  Think sometimes he thinks I’m squirrelling money away for some reason so I show him regularly what we have and where.
We're early 40s and feel more and more anxious re financial security and the future 😳

SouthCoastBoy

Interesting subject. My wife has not earned anymore than 10k a year for the past 20 years, so all the financial heavy lifting has been done by me, she has no concept of budgeting, or interest in pensions or investing so I do all that, a lot of the money is invested in her name and I get lots of sighs and groans if I want her to move money from one account to another, I do try to point out it is for our benefit but I'm not sure she sees that.

With respect to joint accounts, we have one I put in £2000 per month and she puts in £400 per month and we use that for day to day expenses. Any uni fees, holidays, cars etc. I pay for. I don't enjoy work or enjoy having to provide a lot of the income, it has caused a lot of pressure, anxiety and stress over the years but hopefully I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

moving_forward

I'm sure there's alot of partners in unequal relationships I've certainly been there in the past has has Mr M_F. 
It makes you appreciate the life you have now more ☺️

Retireinten

Another one that is really shocked by some of the posts. Financial abuse works both ways and SAHW (note, not a SAHM with pre school age children)  who spends, spends, spends and expects their husbands to keep working to fund their leisure time are controlling and abusive in my book. Why do you tolerate it?

There has to be equality in a relationship otherwise resentment will fester. If one person is doing the financial heavy lifting then the other should be doing the home and childcare heavy lifting... and if there isn't much of that then they should be working themselves. 

Lifematters

Although my partner and I do have separate bank accounts that our wages are paid into, I have full control / access to his account, deal with all the household bills and budgeting and have credit card in my name with him as the additional card holder. He just withdraws some money each week for spends. 

Our finances were very much separate for the first 20 years (we both earn roughly the same) until he racked up thousands £££ credit card debt through gambling 😡.  Although taking control of both our finances was never what I had wanted / anticipated I know it’s for the best and he is happy with the arrangement. Luckily for him he is in a DB scheme because savings are just something he has never done.

robatwork

I've got involved in several fairly passionate debates over the last 10 years or more on this and other MSE boards about financial compatibility. I still believe a healthy marriage shares everything including one main bank account but appreciate some don't share that view.

What I would suggest to OP and others who just won't engage is what we do every month, after payday and the main DDs and SOs have gone out. We write (yes, in a book) all our balances in all our various accounts investments and debts (c card, mortgage). Then we not only know what the overall number is, but can see the overall debt coming down month by month (or credit going up). It also serves as a double check on any large purchases, and that credit card bills have been paid. Also note down the value of all pensions. It's really useful to flick back through the book to see the position at various times, and is tactile in a way a spreadsheet completely is not. Once every x months - probably 12 - we will stick in an estimated house valuation too for a complete picture.

We have no financial surprises or conflict.

Oh and on the bank account logins - we use a password manager which we can both access which has all the relevant access information.

anonmoose

Love this idea Rob I am going to put it into practise.  For this last financial year I switched to paper records for my business accounts after many years of managing it digitally.  I used to find my weekly accounts a chore but actually like doing it now.  Something about it being written down on paper and being able to flick though a book I connect with.