When a partner doesn't get it

anonmoose

Yes cloud_dog and I just got a blank look. I think he understood its not enough but is one of those people who lives in the moment and thinks he can sort it 'tomorrow' which of course never comes. 

moving_forward

How about a joint meeting with a financial advisor. Make him pay for it too. He may actually take notice of an official. Then sit back say I told you so and bloomin well listen to you in future.

leosayer

anonmoose said:

OK and what do people do regards logins, passwords etc? As putting everything on paper seems important but if you have a "how to" of all your finances in one place surely that is a security risk? Is it best to keep things electronically or on paper? And password/login somewhere they know how to access but different place to account details?

For sharing passwords we use 1Password which can be accessed from a browser or a phone app. We've got one account with multiple vaults ie. mine, my wife, my son, shared between my wife and I and one shared with whole family.

For shared access to documents we use Google Drive which is no-cost up to a certain number of gigabytes. We share this kind of stuff:
- PDFs of policies, statements, wills etc. Includes scanned and downloaded doc.
- Spreadsheets of planners, projections, budgets, list of account numbers, list of assets etc.

OldBeanz

Haha my wife wouldn't know or be interested in what was going on. She trusts me and allows me to sort everything out.
She has a list of accounts which she will need if I leave this mortal coil before her and occasionally has to get involved when I need her to phone a company. 

Cressida100

MEM62 said:

anonmoose said:

I am getting increasingly frustrated with my husband who just seems to think we don't have to financially plan and everything will come good in the end.

anonmoose said:

I have always done everything with our finances and up until now haven't minded too much (we have been together 20yrs), but now I think he needs to start taking accountability.  

I think your expectation is unrealistic.  You have not asked him to play any part in your financial planning for 20 years yet expect him to change his attitude towards it just because you have changed yours.  That is unlikely to happen.  

You appear to have done a good job with your household finances thus far and have managed to get him to increase his pension contribution.  I would carry on as you are and save yourself the angst of trying to change him.          

I agree with this. There is usually one person who takes the lead on finance. Your husband obviously knows you are keeping an eye on things so he doesn't have to worry about it  

swampduck

My husband is much like yours in that he has left everything down to me, he knows where I keep passwords, and where to find  bank accounts and online accounts. But as he is simply not 'admin' minded - he leaves everything finance related to me but I do have access to his email so can keep tabs on everything from his side.
I don't do D-I-Y so it's a reasonable swap!!! 

ex-pat_scot

moving_forward said:

How about a joint meeting with a financial advisor. Make him pay for it too. He may actually take notice of an official. Then sit back say I told you so and bloomin well listen to you in future.

That's not a bad shout. People value what they pay for.

There's also a broader fine line between support, taking the lead and the risk of financial abuse. Taking the financial planning lead can be seen as control.

LHW99

We have a single electronic vault with the encrypted database on 2 PC's (and backed up from time to time). It has a single long-phrase password which is particularly meaninful to my OH (so hopefully he won't forget it) and it gets updated as necessary.

Retireinten

Anonmoose, I think we might be married to the same man🙄

My other half doesn't know which bank our joint current account is with. He has a vague idea what our plans are only because I occasionally manage to catch him off guard (early morning, pre-coffee), he's not quick enough to recognise and then take defensive action to protect himself from the 'money talk'. 

But I enjoy managing our finances and he enjoys me managing our finances so it sort of works. He's not stupid so if I were to suddenly meet my end he'd just have to figure it out.  Trust me, your husband is more than capable, he's choosing not to engage.  I would try to reach an agreement where you accept you manage the finances and his side of the deal is to action any changes you ask him to make. 


In terms of passwords, I hold mine on an excel document that is password protected. He knows the password to this document at least. 

MalMonroe

If he's been like this for 20 years, then I doubt that he's going to be taking you seriously now. 

I have to say that before my husband left, he was the financial wizard in our relationship. And I was just a loose cannon that sadly went off spectacularly after he left me to look after our young daughter alone. First thing I did was book an expensive flight for my daughter and me to visit my friends in Canada for a month!  (I know)

Well, living on one salary sadly didn't cut it and I found myself in financial dire straits and ended up having to take out a DRO and suffer the consequences of that for six years. I had been trying to live that luxurious champagne lifestyle on a beer income.

However. My experiences, good and bad, made me take control and now I can budget with the best of them. I'm finally debt free and have learned a lot. Much of it from this forum. 

It seems that your husband is quite happy to leave finances to you and he obviously trusts you so if you can bear it, then you will just have to keep telling him what to do - as you say, he takes notice. Eventually. After 20 years, is it worth falling out repeatedly over? I know it's frustrating but you took him on, warts and all. 

Are there things that he does for the family that you don't? Could you try to look on him as doing some things, while you do others and work as a team? (Just trying to find some cohesion here.) Instead of getting confrontational and aggressive, just carry on doing what you do. You are good at it and he's not. 

I'm sure that if you were to predecease your OH, he would manage. He'd have no other option. That saying about a leopard not changing its spots is true. I think you are very lucky to be in a relationship where you're good at some things and your husband surely must be good at other, different things? Just look after each other. Many others must envy your relationship. You get cross with him but you love him really. Right?