Forum Home» Debt-Free Wannabe» Debt Free Diaries

It's time to begin..... - Page 25

New Post Advanced Search
We are currently experiencing a high volume of spam and have increased the sensitivity of our spam filters. This could mean that genuine posts may get caught. If you believe this has happened to one of your posts, please email the Forum team on [email protected] As always, we are really grateful for your patience whilst we get this sorted - which we'll do as soon as possible.
Important update! We have recently reviewed and updated our Forum Rules and FAQs. Please take the time to familiarise yourself with the latest version.

It's time to begin.....

277 replies 14.6K views
12223252728

Replies

  • ChrystalChrystal Forumite
    1.3K posts
    1,000 Posts Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    ✭✭✭
    I know that we all have our own way of 'sorting things' and whatever works for you is the way to go, but, I'm not surprised that he could come up with the money in a short space of time, as he appears to have over £6000 a year spending money.  He certainly should be able to save some of that.
    Were 'your' debts spent on the house or yourself?  

    I Believe.....
    That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
    Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery
    Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.

    happiness isn't achieved by getting extra things,
    but by getting rid of the things that make you unhappy
  • KakisteKakiste Forumite
    269 posts
    100 Posts Name Dropper
    ✭✭
    In all honesty we were in a pretty messed up place at the time when I ran up all the debt - and it's my biggest regret that I didn't give my head a wobble and have a difficult confrontation about how we needed to rebalance our financial situation.

    Basically I accrued the debt as a mix of having to keep up the same level of household bills whilst on maternity leave- even after when my pay dropped £1000 per month to £600. Then I finished my final teaching placement and had to put my 3 month old into nursery care for 10 weeks (at a 1:1 rate because of her age) I had been told this would be covered by a grant from UCAS but didn't get it in writing- and the grant assurance disappeared at the end of the placement period and I was handed a bill for £3000(I think) I ended up extending my credit card limit to cover that- and then the combination of household and debt repayments was awful and I ended up taking out more and more credit on progressively worse terms to try and cover the shortfall. 

    Basically I didn't tell him that there was a problem. This was due to a mix of his mental health being awful and I always felt like a total !!!!!! for bringing more negative stuff up when he was feeling so bad (Have now completely turned around on that- if difficult decisions have to be had then best to do it head On and in a timely manner) and also because we were in a rubbish place relationship wise. He had picked up that there was something wrong but didnt know what and had jumped to 'affair' as what he thought was happening. He progressively more angry and antagonistic and whilst there was never a great time to say "Hey, I've run up this massive amount of debt" I definitely didn't feel confident of bringing it up then. One of our biggest points of contention was that I also ran up debt on his credit card, stealing from him (covering things like groceries and nappies when I couldn't sell stuff of my own/buy at beginning of month before i was back off end of my overdraft.) He found the fact that I stole from him really difficult to handle and I'm ashamed that I lowered myself to theft, I felt too scared of his reaction at the time to level with him about the debt and how bad everything was and I saw it as a means to an end to continue necessary purchases.) :disappointed:

    I've since been to counselling since (far too late to fix that time but will now prevent any future issues) have addressed the necessity of having negative conversations and that you can't just avoid them. 

    He has acknowledged that he did and said some pretty foul stuff during this period and our relationship is massively improved from where it was 2.5 years ago. He still doesn't quite get why I didn't just tell him but he does see himself/his behaviour very differently from how I experienced it. 
    Bottom line; 
    £29,009 paid off 
    £19,997 left to go. 
  • KakisteKakiste Forumite
    269 posts
    100 Posts Name Dropper
    ✭✭
    Thanks. :smile: Made me feel a bit better. :smile:

    Im paying the majority back now because the purpose of them lending the money was to clear a bunch of my debts. So far out of the £5000 we've paid them back, about £3300 has come from him. (I was transferring £100 per month which is what I could afford) So now that I can afford it from next month I'm upping the amount to £400 so that early next year when we pay them the remainder it's a still a split but this time with me contributing the majority. 

    Yes she was really good. It all got quite a bit complicated as I have her the full unabridged but most neutral version that I could of a lot of the stuff going on at the time and she suggested that a lot of his behaviour could be classed as abusive, which I acknowledged. 

    I think I'm determined to get everything paid back and try a clean slate. I think an awful lot of our problems were made worse by the fact there was a lot of deception (me) and anger (him) and i think it's worth a clean slate to see if it's better without either of those things. 
    Bottom line; 
    £29,009 paid off 
    £19,997 left to go. 
  • edited 16 September at 2:26PM
    greensaladgreensalad Forumite
    1.5K posts
    Tenth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭
    edited 16 September at 2:26PM
    I see what you've got to then came out of that situation. If it works for you, it works. 
    Only thing I feel really sad to see is that he considers you stole from him? Sorry but I completely disagree that using your partner's credit to buy groceries and NAPPIES is "stealing". Your child is his, yes? Sorry but my heart really hurts for you to think yourself committing theft when you were really just trying to make ends meet for your family. It'd be totally different if you stole cash out of his wallet to spend on something frivolous but it sounds like you were buying necessities for his child.
    Just keep on going, you're doing great on your debt and perhaps as it eases the tensions will ease too.
    2020 Debt Repayments
    Virgin Money CC £1,538.16 left of £8,500 // 81.9% paid
    Smart watch £61.97 left of £249.99 // 75.2% paid
    Santander CC £4,840 of £5,555 // 12.9% paid
    Emma mattress £505.44 / £505.44 // 100%
    MBNA CC    £400.14 / £ 400.14 // 100%
    Car loan     £671.98 / £671.98 // 100%
    Neyber loan     £2,657.65 / £
    2,657.65 // 100%

    Buy a house in 2021    £6,106.73 of £42,500 / 14.4%

  • Important update! We have recently reviewed and updated our Forum Rules and FAQs. Please take the time to familiarise yourself with the latest version.
  • KakisteKakiste Forumite
    269 posts
    100 Posts Name Dropper
    ✭✭
    That's my hope. :smile:

    Yes he is my daughter's father. He put on a lot of pressure to get married/have a kid when I would have happily waited a few more years for both. So I didn't save for either and did a wedding and maternity leave on finance which was the start of my current mess. I should have stood my ground and insisted on planning and saving but I was trying to do what I thought would make him happy (he has a plethora of MH conditions) and what I naively thought would 'fix' him- but not really considering whether it was sensible or prudent. As soon as I was pregnant he pretty much lost interest and I basically functioned as a single parent until she was close to 3 years old- other than when people were around- at which point he suddenly was 'Father of the year' for a short while.

    What counselling made me realise was that because we got together so young (I was 17) I didn't really have any boundaries established about what I was/wasn't OK and what I was happy with and expected, a very dysfunctional example from my own parents and then what boundaries I did have were slowly pushed at and eroded. I'm now slowly pushing them back, having established some firm boundaries and reestablished some of the things he wore me down on across the last 15 years. 

    I'm calling it theft to be factual. I'm determined to try and make things better and one of the things I'm changing is being completely honest rather than trying to skew things and taking responsibility and ownership of my mistakes. What I should have done would be to insist on a budget split from the first month I was on SMP- what I did was use credit without permission then lie about it later- 

    It's basically me trying to have one last attempt at patching together a functioning relationship. Whilst it's still far from great at the moment- it's significantly better than it was 2 years ago and whilst he still is mostly driven by MH issues, significantly less of it is then taken out on me. Small improvements and all that. Ultimately (though I appreciate it sounds incredibly callous) it's either going to work or it isn't; however I would far rather be a 1 adult household with an income of 34k and absolutely no debt- which I should be by Spring of 2022, than a 1 adult household with an income of 34k most of which is spent paying off £20k of debt which would then take until 2026 to pay back. 
    Bottom line; 
    £29,009 paid off 
    £19,997 left to go. 
  • ChrystalChrystal Forumite
    1.3K posts
    1,000 Posts Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    ✭✭✭
    It certainly doesn't sound callous to me... it sounds extremely sensible!  (((hugs))) X
    I Believe.....
    That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
    Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery
    Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.

    happiness isn't achieved by getting extra things,
    but by getting rid of the things that make you unhappy
  • edited 18 September at 5:44PM
    KakisteKakiste Forumite
    269 posts
    100 Posts Name Dropper
    ✭✭
    edited 18 September at 5:44PM
    Worked to the very last second in school today. Had a ton of paperwork to complete for the deadline of end of play Friday....but I managed it by the skin of my teeth! 

    We're in local lockdown as of next week. I've been bricking it that it would be from tomorrow (effectively cancelling all of my daughter's birthday plans, visits from relatives and her little party on Sun) but thank God it's as of Tuesday. *so relieved* And in excellent news she'll have her switch then so won't mind the lack of other people in the house for a few weeks! :wink:
    Bottom line; 
    £29,009 paid off 
    £19,997 left to go. 
  • KakisteKakiste Forumite
    269 posts
    100 Posts Name Dropper
    ✭✭
    Having a 'using up the cupboard' food week this week coming so have only spent £8.21 on food shopping for this week. 
    Today- Tuna sweetcorn pasta bake
    Sun- Sausages, waffles and peas 
    Monday- Chinese noodles
    Tuesday- lentil bake 
    Wed - Fakeaway (trying Lidl's faux KFC buckets as was given one at foodgroup) 
    Thurs- Food group (cook whatever has a best before date of that day
    Fri- sweet and sour chicken and rice. (if no chicken at food group will do sweet and sour veg instead) 

    Bought stuff for party bags for tomorrow as well- came to £6.15 which was the very last of the birthday budget
    Bottom line; 
    £29,009 paid off 
    £19,997 left to go. 
  • KakisteKakiste Forumite
    269 posts
    100 Posts Name Dropper
    ✭✭
    So sprog's birthday has come and gone. I took such pride in watching her face opening her switch knowing that /I/ bought that for her out of money I had saved. :smiley:

    She had a great time at the trampoline park with her two friends as well

    I'm not too bad after all. :tongue:
    Bottom line; 
    £29,009 paid off 
    £19,997 left to go. 
Sign In or Register to comment.

Quick links

Essential Money | Who & Where are you? | Work & Benefits | Household and travel | Shopping & Freebies | About MSE | The MoneySavers Arms | Covid-19 & Coronavirus Support