It's time to begin.....

CRANKY40

He's getting closer and closer to being an ex husband with that behaviour. 

GeorgianaCavendish

Good for you, keep on ignoring these “requests” from your husband. It seems like he’s testing the waters with financial stuff now that you are getting closer to being debt free, and trying to find more ways to keep the power imbalance with money. 

It will feel SO freeing when you no longer have to justify every single step or have to listen to the rants about why he is in the right / the victim and you are in the wrong. You’ve managed your situation so well and achieved so much but just remember you don’t have to keep “managing” this difficult person forever. 

greensalad

Kakiste said:

@SandyShores. As it stands at the moment he has £8k in savings and a terrible pension (he 'didn't believe in the system' until fairly recently so has something like £1,300 overall) and no car. I have a small amount of savings (which I'm building back up to be a first month's rent and deposit, £15K in my pension and a car that is worth £7K (that I have paid for everything for)) 

Technically on paper I have the greater assets, but as he's a bit of a dragon when it comes to money, I would probably suggest that I wouldn't claim any of his savings if he left the car and my pension alone. (But obviously would get advice before I launch into all of that) 

One thing to consider is that it's likely you'll go for full custody of your daughter, I presume. (At least with his current financial situation he may struggle to make a good enough case that he can provide a nice home for her, even for 50/50). Therefore as you would have full custody at least in the interim, it would be harder for him to argue that he takes more from your own finances, as he would be impoverishing his child.

stymied

Reading between the lines, and sorry if I’m wrong on this, he didn’t make much if any contribution to the petrol/parking/hospital meals while your daughter was poorly in hospital. As you said yourself, the marking money is to help make up for the money *you* had to spend then.

enthusiasticsaver

It might be better not to share details with your husband as to how much additional work you have or what you get paid for it.  He really has a bit of a cheek in asking for money from you. 

Sarahwithlove

All caught up. I'm so happy for you that your DMP is over and it's just the car now. How long until you will be able to leave? There is never going to be a good time for it. Please don't give him any more money as he already gets more than enough and clearly doesn't pay his way if he doesn't think he should. 

Kakiste

Yes @stymied you're bang on. I covered almost all of the food/petrol costs whilst my daughter was in hospital. I think he paid for 2 meals during the 12 days. 

@enthusiasticsaver The problem is- in order to meet my marking criteria I had to do some at home- so that's why he knows about it. He doesn't know how many papers I'm marking or how much the total will be (I can't remember how much tax they take off but I'm owed £1800 before tax- so a decent amount- I've told him I'll be getting "around £600" (of which he's asking for a third! Which also when he makes and sells hobby stuff he doesn't give me any money.... so quite why I should give him anything is beyond me.) 

@greensalad I don't think I would go for full custody- however I strongly suspect in the long run I'd end up with very nearly that due to his history of figurative slashing and burning anything he sees as 'in the past.' I think it's very possible he'll go after a new relationship pretty quickly or move to a new area (hopefully both) and then contact will drop to a minimum. I just need to tread carefully- as if I don't manage the situation carefully he'll end up going for full custody himself just to hurt me as he'll try and figure out what I want and then move against that. If we work out a shared custody plan with our daughter's best interests in mind and then he chooses to welch on it, that's his decision and I won't be held accountable for it. (hilariously he'll probably think he's 'punishing' me by doing so, which is just fine. My plan is to get myself in a situation where I only have minimal and necessary DDs each month and then ramp up my 'unreasonability' i.e actually call out his BS for what it actually is with the aim of ideally him leaving me (so he'll think it was his call and I can do a good line in 'Oh this isn't what I wanted!!' which will mean that he'll think he's 'punishing me enough' just by leaving me. 

@Sarahwithlove Soon I hope. I don't know exactly when as I don't know exactly how much will be paid after tax for the marking- but there's a chance I'll have still cleared the remaining £1800 odd for the car by the end of this month. If not then I think almost certainly by the end of August. Then I'm going to need to save back up a small chunk to cover first month's rent and deposit- but I think realistically I should be able to start enquiring about suitable properties by the end of October. 

Sarahwithlove

I hope you are able to pay off the car ASAP. Refusing to give him any of your extra money could be a good time to put your foot down and call him out on his behaviour. He seems to keep throwing back in your face the money that was used to pay off the debt but think he needs a reminder that you only had to do that because he didn't pull his weight financially to support you and your daughter as he no doubt vowed during your wedding vows. As it takes time to find somewhere and do all the checks could you start looking and enquiring as soon as you have paid off the car? At least then agents will know you are looking and will keep you in mind if something ideal for you comes up. I just don't want it to drag on for you and your daughter as its not a healthy environment for either of you at the moment. 

Kakiste

@Sarahwithlove I am always looking- I don't really do social media so any down time that I have when I have my phone is spent on rightmove. I'll get there, I just want to do it carefully and right so that I end up in the best possible position. 

Sarahwithlove

That makes sense. Just be careful because there will always be a reason why it's not the right time. Keep safe and look after yourself.