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I'm a mug

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Comments

  • Ms_Chocaholic
    Ms_Chocaholic Posts: 12,681 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    You could arrange the DNA test without your ex knowing.

    Once you get the results, ask your ex if you can be put on the birth certificate. If she refuses you will have to apply to Court for a Parental Responsibility Order, here's some information. There's no need to appoint a solicitor for this, just fill the forms yourself, it will cost you only the Court fee of £215 and nothing else.

    https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/apply-for-parental-responsibility

    Once you have PR there's no need to be on the birth certificate, that is all you need.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till the End
    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
  • Socajam
    Socajam Posts: 1,238 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with everyone, get this sorted out legally now, the longer you leave it the more trouble you will have with this money grabber.
    Also have the courts decide how much your child maintenance should be. Do not under any circumstance give her Keep your 35K yourself and never mention it to her, the less she knows about your situation the better.
    If this child is yours, set up a trust just in case something where to happen to you so that she will be provided for when she reaches 18. If you can separate the money so that she receives a portion at 18 (for university) and the remainder at 25 so much the better. I really do not believe in giving all this money at 18, but that's my personal opinion.
    Do not under any circumstance leave your ex in control of that money.
    Good luck, work hard and fast to legalize this situation.
  • lixhul
    lixhul Posts: 110 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Posts
    I've asked her for a DNA test and she's completely blown in my face over it, flat out refusing. Now I want one even more...

    I should have read it about doing it descreetly before asking! If I can do it that way I will do and then sort out the birth certificate?

    So I don't need a legal DNA to be put on birth certificate?
  • lixhul
    lixhul Posts: 110 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Posts
    She's agreed for me to be put on birth certificate but not the DNA test. I should do that one privately then go with office with her for the certificate?
  • McKneff
    McKneff Posts: 38,857 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I would be wondering why she is fehently against a DNA.

    Makes you think she is hiding something. Do you have a brother lol
    make the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
    and we will never, ever return.
  • Ms_Chocaholic
    Ms_Chocaholic Posts: 12,681 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    lixhul wrote: »
    I've asked her for a DNA test and she's completely blown in my face over it, flat out refusing. Now I want one even more...

    I should have read it about doing it descreetly before asking! If I can do it that way I will do and then sort out the birth certificate?

    So I don't need a legal DNA to be put on birth certificate?




    Companies that offer DNA offer two types of test - a "legal" test or a "peace of mind" test, I suggest you go for the former.

    Don't get your name on the birth certificate until you've got the results of the DNA test though.


    How old is the child?
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till the End
    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
  • lixhul
    lixhul Posts: 110 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Posts
    edited 6 May 2019 pm31 11:37PM
    Coming up to 2 years. I'm 95% confident she's mine, we look the same and there was no one else. I think she just found it rude that I asked.

    Regardless, I've purchased a £100 kit that had great reviews and I'll find out myself discreetly. I dunno, wait til my daughter is asleep in the car or something. Once I get those results I'll make the appointment to the registry office which she's agreed to come with me.

    I'll be honest. I'm not over her and it does make me do stupid mistakes. What's worse is that the child means we'll always need a point of contact. What I've done is block her from everything except for one point of avenue, and I'll just stop texting her until I get the date for the appointment and just inform her when to come down. Just got to get it in my smitten head to move on (she said she found someone weeks after we split, but she might have just said that). That is why my title is "im a mug". I've been doing so many errands for her and it must stop. I've been clouded.

    Anyway that's a separate subject. From this point on I'm taking control. I'm no longer simply giving because she asks. I have a few things in my favour. I start a new job tomorrow and hopefully that'll keep me busy. It's really difficult to let someone go, but that's what I must do. She just uses me now for my money and time. I need to realise that and take control of the situation.
  • lixhul
    lixhul Posts: 110 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Posts
    McKneff wrote: »
    I would be wondering why she is fehently against a DNA.

    Makes you think she is hiding something. Do you have a brother lol

    It made me go 100% to 95% lol. I've purchased a kit for myself anyhow and I'll find out for sure until I get put on the birth certificate (she's agreed to come with me to an office to put my name on).

    If by the smallest chance my daughter isn't mine... well that's the end for me. I love my daughter to bits.
  • Comms69
    Comms69 Posts: 14,229 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    OP you're not a mug. You were trying to do the right thing and it backfired.


    There's a couple of things you should consider.


    If she's agreed to put you on the birth certificate and thereby grant you PR - just accept it. Are you bothered if you're biologically the father or not? You say you're 95-100% sure you are anyway. You clearly love this child. Would it really matter ultimately?


    If she continues to take the mick with payments, simply refer her to the calculator and voluntarily pay that amount. There's nothing she can do about that.


    Contact is clearly becoming a contentious issue - however just keep persevering. If she's in a new relationship she'll probably want as much free time as possible and will be glad to drop your daughter off with you.


    As for hoping to reconcile. You might, you might not. Don't dwell on it. People's feelings change all the time


    You both might not want to now, but in 2 or 3 years time you're both single and getting along - it might be the right time. Or you might meet someone tomorrow and that is you settled for life.


    From experience 'rebound' relationships last a few months and then fizzle out.
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