Here Goes Nothing... always_amazed's debt diary

always_amazed

whoops posted twice...

always_amazed

Just done my snowball, it's really upset me....

it says October 2010.

I have based this on repaying £72 per month on each debt, I chose that amount because it's my sick pay.

I need to buck my ideas up.... I wanted to buy a house by then!!!

I'm going to have to up my income methinks!!!

always_amazed

Happy Days:

I'm trying to start to look at things on a more positive note, (but I'm a bit worried that I will be so positive I will become deranged, but I'll try not to).

So, back to previous character assasination,
I have decided:
I am not fat, I am just a bit chubbier than normal. This is due to the mince pies and beer diet I follow in December and early January.
I am not unfit. Well I am, but I can beat most of my friends in a quick sprint to the fag machine.
I am not that unhealthy. I was, but now I've been given my life back and I'm getting stronger one day at a time. :cool:
I am in debt because I spent too much, but I'm paying it back. :T

And, on an update note, I paid £300 off CC on Thursday and I have not spent it yet.
I got paid on Friday and I have spent £36.08, which is £6 over my plan but about £40 less than I would have before.

Also, I was right about this messy bedroom = spendy spend problem.

I had messy room Friday, I spend £20 out.
I tidy room on Saturday, and I spent £7.

I think that if I know I'm coming back to a lovely room (with no pins/hairbrushes on the floor to step on) I feel more in control of my life.

always_amazed

don't really know why I'm on here writing this, I guess I just need to tell omeone, and every time I try to start talking I start crying. My dad is away this christmas and I'm with mum.We had a stupid fight over something and then accused me of (omg tears again!!!) saying things to the council that made her loose her job. I just dont understand this. It's christmas eve and Ive tried to make everything lovely; not perfect but lovely and I wanted to have fun. I just don't understand and it hurts so much that she thinks of me like that. I know she has histories of mental illness and stuff and that can make her a bit up & down now and again but to thnk that she speaks o me every day and tells me she loves me, all the while thinking that I got her fired, it's so hurtful and I just don't understand. I don't mind it when she is convinced I'm on drugs / stealing/ prostituing myself (yes she had accused me of all of these!!!) but they are all things she thinks I'm doing to my life, I know I'm not and can handle it, but this is different and I fel so sick inside.

always_amazed

thanks for the kind words tustastic.. . . I really don't know why I came on here and spilled everything; I guess it was because I knew I couldn't do so to a real human yesterday without spoiling christmas!!

Unfortunately I spent far too much yesterday on booze and food. Fortunately I didn't bankrupt myself and I also I feel I've made a breakthrough re. my emotional spending:
When I fight with my mum I spend more money.
We have a really difficult relationship and do not see eye to eye. She also does (sorry to say this but it's true) enjoy winding people up; once she thinks she has hit a nerve she usually won't stop until I'm crying. Even if I try to walk away that usually doesn't work, she'll just wait until I come back or try to leave and start again.
It breaks my heart and try and try and have seen therapists and stuff but they just say that you can't make people change and that you have to put up with her if you want to have a relationship with her.
Anyway, I hurt so much last night that I wasn't thinking and spent far far too much. But Dumbledore55's 'DF Roll of Honour Pearl of Wisdom' said something along the lines of 'if you slip up, don't beat yourself up, just get back on the DFW wagon!!!'. So I'm going to try to do that, and that is why Im here xxx
Merry Christmas xxx

ceridwen

So sorry to hear about the problems with your mother. There was me reading through your debt diary thinking "This woman is definitely trying to get herself sorted one way and the other - from a bad starting point thats not her doing" - and then up comes what you have said about your mother.

Oh dear - it sounds awful to say it - but it sounds like she is rarely (if ever) well mentally - if she is saying all those awful things to you. Whatever sort of parent would come out with false accusations of major stuff like that - except a pretty unwell one.

From this - I am wondering where you are living (or has it gone in one ear and out the other - sorry!). Are you living with your mother? - and, if so, is there any way you could live with your grandmother instead? She sounds a lot more supportive - thank goodness you have someone "batting in your corner" as your mother is obviously too ill to do so by the sound of it and is making you feel worse. Thats something you dont need - having to cope with money and health problems anyway.

Just to say best wishes - and at least you can see light at the end of the tunnel healthwise.