Dad's Lowbrow Request

party_of_five

Hi Sorry to lower the tone but my dad has requested that I find a copy of a poem called 'the great farting contest in stockton on tees' in time for xmas.

I have searched and googled but, while I can find reference to it in a couple of places, i can't find the actual poem.

Apparently grandad gave a recitation every xmas to the great amusement of all and dad has in mind to amuse the kids with it this christmas. Can anyone help?

Sallys_Savings

Is this the poem?

Will Tell You A Story That Is Certain To Please
Of A Grand Farting Contest At Stockton On Tees
There Are All The Best !!!!!! Paraded In Fields,
Some Tuned Up Their !!!!!! To Fart Up The Scale
To Strive For A Cup Or A Barrel Of Ale
While Woman Whose !!!!!! Were Biggest And Strongest
Competed In Contest For Loudest And Strongest,
This Fine Whitsun Day Had Drawn A Big Crowd
And Betting Was Even On Young Mrs Mcloud
Twas Said In The Papers The Sporting Edition
That This Ladies !!!!, Was In Perfect Condition,
They Say Old Mrs Jones Had A Perfect Backside
With A Bunch Of Red Hair And A Wart On Each Side
Some Fancied Her Chances Of Winning With Ease
Having Trained On A Diet Of Cabbage And Peas,
Then Mrs Pugh Arrived Amidst A Hail Of Applause
And Promptly Proceeded To Pull Down Her Draws
For Though She Had No Chance In The Farting Display
She Had The Prettiest !!!! One Had Seen Any Day,
Old Mrs Potluck Was Backed For A Place
She Had Often Been Caught In The Deepest Of Disgrace
For Shocking The Vicar Poor Marmaduke Morgan
Her Farting In Church Made More Noise Than The organ,
The Vicar Arrived And Ascended The Stand
And Proceeded To Tell This Remarkable Band
That Conditions Would Follow The Rules On The Bills
Which Prevented The Use Of Injections Or Pills,
The Contestants Lined Up or The Signal To Start
Mrs Jones Won The Toss And Was Given First Fart
The Crowd Was Astonished To Silence And Wonder
How That Goofy Old Bird Gave Off Such A Thunder
Next Mrs Potluck Just Came To The Front
And Startled The Crowd With A Wonderful Stunt
With Her Wide Parted Cheeks And Tightly Clenched Hands
She Blew Off The Roof Of The Newly Built Stands,
Mrs Mcloud Simply Sniggered At This
She Lapped Up Some Beer And Was All Wind And !!!!
With Her Hands On Her Hips And Her Legs Parted Wide
She Suddenly !!!! And Was Disqualified
Young Mrs Pugh Was Next To Appear
And When She Was Through She Received A Great Cheer
For Though Her Folks Thought Her Chances Were Small
She Took First Prize By Out Farting Them All
She Walked To The Pavilion With A Maidenly Gait
And Received From The Vicar A Set Of Gold Plate
Then She Signaled The Crowd To Sing The Refrain
While She Farted The First Verse Of “Lily Marlene”

blaise802001

http://www.myreader.co.uk/msg/13456955.aspx

Think this is it

C_J

Oh lord - my Dad used to recite this as well! It's an old rugby club favourite.

http://myreader.co.uk/msg/13456955.aspx

C_J

Ha! We all found it at the same time!

blaise802001

C_J wrote: »

Ha! We all found it at the same time!

We must all have nothing better to do than go googling

Sallys_Savings

I was just plain nosey and wanted to read it myself lol

consumermonkey

The Google search found it with a little detective work. Turns out the location was a bit out, if this is the poem you were thinking of anyway:

The Farting Contest

---

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tease,
Where all the best farters paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their bumcheeks and fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a barrel of ale,
Whilst others whose arseh0les are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now, this year's event had drawn quite a big crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd,
For it had appeared in the evening edition,
That this lady's !!!! was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side,
And she fancied her chance of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band:
"The contest is on as is shown on the bills,
We've precluded the use of injections and pills."

Mrs. Bingle arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers,
For though she'd no chance in the farting display,
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see on this day.

Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed for a place,
Though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace,
By dropping a fart on a Sunday in church,
And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurch.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart,
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless transmitted gale warnings and thunder.

Now Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and !!!!,
She took up her place with her !!!! opened wide,
But unluckily !!!!!! and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt,
She took a deep breath, and clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs. Bingle who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered,
And though it was reckoned her chances were small,
She ran out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips she stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone,
And the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause,
And said, "First to Mrs. Bingle, now pull up your drawers."

But with muscles well-tensed and legs full apart,
She started a final and glorious fart,
Beginning with Chopin, and ending with Wing,
She went right up the scale to God Save the King.

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
And took from the vicar a set of gold plate,
Then she turned to the vicar with sweetness sublime,
And smilingly said, "Come see me sometime."

party_of_five

Thank you so much, - you are all fabulous!!!!! You will have made my dad's christmas (sadly enough)