In the nick of time

CathT

So sorry to read you're going through all of this. Do you also have some really good support in RL who can help you through this? It's good to see that you're still spending quality time together aswell. 

We are all here for you anytime. 

Moneyfordreams

Initially, I only told my older sister who lives in the middle east. She bombarded me with messages after several phone calls. Then I shut down, I have told my boss, but I haven't spoken to her since early on. My sister is now planning my nieces wedding later in the year, so thankfully has something else to focus on . I told my old childminder, who is a lovely friend in her late 70s. She actually provided some support for OH to speak too. I knew she would be sensible and keep confidences. She used to be his office employee too. I've known her since I was 10. I am meeting the friend I told this weekend for coffee. She wants to support me, but always a little too much. Without being rude, I don't have the time for weekly/biweekly meet ups. Another old family friend phoned this week. She was closer to my older sister - but I seem to be her substitute in the last couple of years. She was chatting to me on Tuesday and I just started crying and told her. She is very down to earth and was f ing and jeffing on my behalf. I think opening up on here has opened a can of worms.  

  

Tahlullah.H

Your opening up on here only opens a can of worms if you choose it to.  If you want to pull back, just do so.  Certainly, I won't be offended!  You have to do what is best for you.  Happy to go with the flow.  Stay strong.

Moneyfordreams

Tallulah, I think I meant when I wrote on Tuesday I think, it followed through to me telling another. But in real life 6 people know
I thought many times what to write - but tbh, I feel like I'm hiding it all and at least one aspect of my life I can voice my fears and worries. I appreciate others points of view. I often think I'm being too emotional about it all and then other times I think it is just nonsense x    

VintageHistorian

I don't think you're being too emotional in the slightest. Ultimately you are going through a form of grief. You're grieving the loss of important things that you cared deeply about; the relationship that you had, the future that you thought you would have (retiring soon, paying off the mortgage, spending more time with OH), and the certainties that were a core part of your life. 

At the moment you're not sure which bits you can still have (you mentioned OH having the right to half your pension, which would delay your own retirement plans) or which bits you still want. You're trying to process your feelings around OH's actions and things he's said to defend himself (including things he has said about you that will have been hurtful), while also trying to negotiate tentative steps towards a future that's different from the one you envisioned. And you're also doing this while trying to keep the worst of the stress way from pregnant DD1 and worrying about the impact on DD2.

Remember, grief isn't linear. It's very up and down. So some days you'll think you're absolutely fine with the status quo and want to continue it, other days you'll be so angry (without any trigger) that you want to burn it all to the ground and start again, and other days you'll be terribly sad and find yourself just randomly crying. And some days will be all three together.

It's a huge amount for one person to carry and deal with. So don't worry about being too emotional, it's one way to empty the stress bucket before it all builds up again.

savingholmes

I'd also see if you can get any free counselling through work.

killerpeaty

Sometimes it can be good to open up, you won't have the burden of keeping a secret. Sometimes you just want to hold it all in. Regards, you should only share what you want to with whomever you want. It sounds like you have a few good and kind hearted people and that is so important.

I whole heartedly agree with vintage, I also want to add (I may be mistaken in that I may have missed it but still) that a time of unknowns is very stressful in of itself. So you will also be feeling the effects of that.

Moneyfordreams

KP I agree with VH too. 
Again, thank you VH , I have said I am grieving - I feel there is so much loss. Even a holiday seems completely unrealistic. I have booked hotel rooms for November. My niece is getting married. I have said I will pay for both DDs for a xmas present. Things will have to be on more of an even keel for OH to come. He wants to, that's a start. But I will see closer to the time. I don't like leaving the house as I then can't see what is going on. I recognise this is a control issue , I've refused trips away. It gives him time to sneak to the shop. I caught that in the first week/s. If I think he's been drinking while I'm at work, then he's bound to do it if I'm out. - but realistically I cannot babysit him. He has to take responsibility for himself. Hence coffee with friend. Trying to not lock myself down. I am hoping to attend a colleague's retirement meal in a couple of weeks.  
 
SH - I have considered counselling, but at the moment I will muddle through. I do have access to a counsellor through work ( they have lots of well being activities), but I will wait. After the money stuff, I was in a really stressful job and I wanted counselling then - but it wasn't available and I didn't have the cash. DD2 has said she will try to access her works counselling. She doesn't want us to split up/ divorce, but sadly has lost trust in her father. I have told her we all must be happy. And being hypervigilant for the rest of my life is not fair, so the drinking has become the issue. On that note - I do not talk about things unless she asks as not to upset her. But she was texting me constantly at work last weekend, worrying about her father on the phone, or visiting a friend, or appearing to be merry.    

But I am pleased I have protected my girls somewhat - DD1's friend gave birth this week at 28 weeks. Baby is currently doing ok. Mum had emergency c section but is ok too. 

Moneywise  - I am trying to eek out the finances to pay day next week. After stumping out a small fortune for my November trip, I left myself short. I can take money from my bonus saver but I will lose the fiver interest :j . Fortunately, during my bank switch to Nwest last month they didn't take my council tax. Now I know they will want this - but they didn't retry to collect. Its mostly intact apart from a DD2 loan here and there. She is due her 2nd full wage next week and hopefully she will learn better budgeting soon        

killerpeaty

It's not fair on yourself to feel like you have to watch for his every move. It's completely understandable that you want to gain control of the situation and a natural thing to do. It must be exhausting for you, especially on top of a stressful job.

I think I saw that mental health services became more available for healthcare workers after covid. Might be worth another look?

Hope the November trip will be good, being short in this month is understandable and you'll be alright.

newgirly

I’m so sorry to hear what you have been going though mfd’s, what a horrible shock. Somebody close to me was in a similar situation and they have stayed together after marriage counselling, but it’s been a long journey. I understand the uncertainty of how much to share, I think you have been very brave doing so and I hope it’s a place you can let off steam if you need to, but if you change your mind further down the line then that’s fine too. In the craziness of everything going on I hope you are looking after yourself xxx