In the nick of time

SandyShores

So sorry to hear this moneyfordreams.  Sending hugs, take it day by day, you'll get there. xx

South_coast

Oh MFDs, I'm so sorry to hear all this 🙁 Well done for sharing, that must have been terrifying. Keep going, you are a strong woman and we are all 100% behind you x

VintageHistorian

Oh MFD, absolutely no pity but a lot of sympathy and a strong urge to give your OH a right ding upside the ear.

I don't drink (at all) and have often been accused of "not being fun" from people who do. In my experience drunk people are not the amusing wits they believe they are after they've sunk a few pints, but are themselves rather boring.

Chat to a solicitor, update your will, and also check if your work has anything like survivors benefits that you might have put OH down as the recipient for, and get those changed to your DDs as well. Any old pensions too.

Moneyfordreams

Thank you all for kind kind thoughts and wishes.

Sometimes I think am I catastrophising everything? Then other times I am grief stricken. It still feels unbelievable 3 months down the line. 
If we plod on and I am not at work you would barely guess there is a problem. My hormones are all over the place anyway, so now I am much worse. I started sobbing last week at a 1976 George Harrison duet- can't remember the song or his partner. I'm not depressed, just terribly sad. Although I have wanted to be at home, to oversee what is going on, work is keeping me sane. By the end of my last week off I was desperate to change the subject going around in my head.  

Slowly though I have been reading diaries again, restarting crochet again, and I have made sure I have kept my exercising to at least 4 times a week and 10k steps a day. 
    
Since my latest find of the cider cans in the spare bedroom, he seems to be normal, and not drinking or stashing booze. He did show me the bank deposit of his 2nd pension, which was £97, but hasn't shown me the outgoings, likely as the consist of multiple shop visits. Pubs are too pricey. 

Today is my graduation day. Although I'm not going. I just felt it was tainted. I decided to focus on DD2s last week instead. He has promised me a day out and a meal. 

Tahlullah.H

The positive to this is that you appear to be communicating whilst living under the same roof.  Do you know what you want yet?

Stay strong, sadness is to be expected.  You are grieving the loss of something that was precious to you.  Trust.

killerpeaty

Just caught up and I'm so sorry to hear this. You have been the most wonderful person and you truly do not deserve to have this nightmare.

It's a shame you didn't go to your graduation but please know that you should be so proud of yourself.

Also it's completely normal to have varying feelings over anything like this. Your brain is trying to work through it. Be kind to yourself.

Lastly, on a different note (because talking about the sad is not always what you want), I'm happy to hear you're crocheting. Would love to see your work. 

savingholmes

Congrats on your formal graduation. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'd say get a good lawyer asap. If you want a recommendation PM me as mine was all done virtually so it doesn't matter where you live.

Moneyfordreams

Thank you

I'm not sure what I want really. Strangely, apart from flash fury when I first found out the overwhelming emotion is sadness and disbelief. I have always felt cherished and loved and that never changed. I was a bit angry on Monday when I last confronted him about alcohol, but I was quiet and told him many home truths, of his lies, deception, cheating, I have told him to go if he wants to as I won't be anyone's second best. But he says he loves me and wants to stay. I have pointed out that him getting a flat would be hard with a poor credit score, and that would mean I would have to pay initially. I have also said if he stays and doesn't contribute financially he would become a sponger (I used the body anatomy word - oops). 
   
I have promised to try and salvage things, but I have also said I will not live an unhappy life based on the needs of other people (DD2 and OH). I think being too hasty will make me cut off my nose to spite my face. 

Although I feel a huge sense of loss, trust, safety, OH is still showing all of the kindness he did before and often appears baffled by my tears when I have been fine earlier in the day. Bedtimes and early mornings have led to too much thinking time when all of the surrounding noise stops.

He has apologised numerous times for his behaviour and says he doesn't know what led him to this other than drinking too much. I think this is why I have latched onto the drinking as a lifeline for our marriage. But then I do all that in sickness and in health palaver, and I should help him through the sickness of alcohol excess. I do not think he has been experiencing withdrawal symptoms - so at this point the craving for alcohol is psychological. He initially said he would go to programmes, but that was just words. He has not had alcohol since Monday.

My line of work, I see so many severe, even moderate cases of alcohol abuse- and I do believe he has not tipped over that edge yet. But it may do if he doesn't stop.    

Moneyfordreams

Anyhow - I feel stronger today and yesterday... hormones must be calm

We had a nice day yesterday - He said he was taking me out and I left decision making to him. He planned to drive to Wales to a canal, but he got a call offering him a job. Hurrah. 16 hrs a week, 4 evenings on - 4 off, cleaning a well known travel depot, 10 minutes from home. Starts next week. He is going to do all of the paperwork today. I haven't dared ask how much house keeping I will get. HE was going to give me £650 from the last job. I think it may be a bit less as less hours. But now I know his pensions have increased.  

He was too excited to drive so we walked. We walked to the sea front on the next town, had a meal and then picked up a few healthy snacks from HomeB. Got a bus home, a route never travelled and it dropped us by our local field. 19000 steps.

savingholmes

Only you can decide what's right for you - and at your own pace.