Gift lists - what's right?

Buzzybee90

I'm not getting married, I'm just nosy and enjoy wedding chatter!

How did you broach the subject of gift lists? Obviously a lot more people live together before marriage (or alone so accumulate appliances etc) nowadays so there's not so much need for every single kitchen item etc.

Did you make a list, or not? It seems rude to ask for presents but if you don't then you may end up with a lot of stuff you already have. I recently went to a wedding and most people ignored the list and got their own thing, hence they ended up with some doubles which just doesn't make sense to me.

And did you/ would you send a thank you card if they didn't get you a gift? I've seen people debating between yes of course, thank everyone for attending vs. no it seems like you're being rude they didn't bring anything.

Look forward to hearing your opinions!

redfragglebiker

We're having a relatively small wedding so we've just made vague suggestions via word of mouth. TBH we don't really need or want anything as we've been together so long so we've told people we don't want a gift at all but if they get really insistent we're just asking for honeymoon donations as we don't have one booked yet and aren't planning to go until a few months after the wedding.

Thank you card wise, obviously we're not there yet but I would think we would send one to all day guests regardless of gift as they were part of the whole thing. Evening guests I really don't know. Probably just a thank you for the gift but not if they didn't bring one?

I'd be interested in the replies to this so I can get a general idea of what people see as good etiquette with these matters!

lazer

I personally hate gift lists - it is rude to effectively ask for a present. There should be no mention of gifts,presents, money etc with the invitation.


Thank you cards, everyone got one who was part of our day, present or not.


You are hosting a celebration of your marriage, it you are hosting any other celebration do you think it is acceptable to ask for money or gifts?

Buzzybee90

lazer wrote: »

I personally hate gift lists - it is rude to effectively ask for a present. There should be no mention of gifts,presents, money etc with the invitation.


Thank you cards, everyone got one who was part of our day, present or not.


You are hosting a celebration of your marriage, it you are hosting any other celebration do you think it is acceptable to ask for money or gifts?

No, I agree. I certainly think it's more of an American thing that's come over here. But it's inevitable some people will buy presents, how do you ensure you don't get the same thing many times?

redfragglebiker

I'm not intending to ASK for money btw just to make iut clear. Also I wouldn't usually send thank you cards to evening only guests hence my comment about perhaps the evening guest that have sent gifts but not the ones that didn't? I dunno - It seems whatever you so in these situations is always going to offend someone,.

Buzzybee90

redfragglebiker wrote: »

I'm not intending to ASK for money btw just to make iut clear. Also I wouldn't usually send thank you cards to evening only guests hence my comment about perhaps the evening guest that have sent gifts but not the ones that didn't? I dunno - It seems whatever you so in these situations is always going to offend someone,.

Exactly! If it helps the evening guests all bought gifts but I think they would have been thanked anyway. It was a relatively small wedding so I can imagine it'd be more difficult at a wedding with a large number of evening guests.

Personally I'd thank everyone for coming, and add in thanks for any presents/ cards to those who gave. So the card was a general thank you to everyone, if that made sense.

minerva_windsong

We were originally going to have a gift list because we thought we'd be moving house shortly before the wedding, but that's not happening now so we're asking for vouchers/cash/US dollars for the honeymoon instead. However we do have a small list as a few older relatives have said they want to get us a 'proper present'.


We have not put lists in with the invites, because I think this is rude. However people have asked me/my OH/our parents what we would like and have been duly informed.


Everyone is getting a thank you card, but we're not having evening guests - everyone who's coming is invited to the whole thing.


On other celebrations, I think it's perfectly OK to have a list of things you would like if people ask you for ideas/suggestions. We do that for Christmas and birthdays but it's always on the understanding that here are some ideas if people are stuck rather than expecting to get all (or indeed any) of it or that you will kick off if you get something that's not on the list, because that's just ungrateful.

Ruby_Roo

I think it's really crass to include gift lists or requests for cash in the invitations. We're gonna have a wedding website and put various bits of information on there - food choices, accommodation options, taxi firms etc.

I haven't decided how to word it but we were going to put something on there about our gift list - not sure whether to put the link to the list itself or indicate people should contact one of my friends who has agreed to be 'guest liaison' to deal with meal requests and the like.

minerva_windsong

Ruby_Roo wrote: »

I think it's really crass to include gift lists or requests for cash in the invitations. We're gonna have a wedding website and put various bits of information on there - food choices, accommodation options, taxi firms etc.

I haven't decided how to word it but we were going to put something on there about our gift list - not sure whether to put the link to the list itself or indicate people should contact one of my friends who has agreed to be 'guest liaison' to deal with meal requests and the like.

We didn't say anything about the gift list in our invites and have just waited for people to get in touch. Most people who've confirmed so far have asked us in person what we'd like but a couple also asked when they rang my mum to confirm.

74jax

I really think it's very bad manners to issue a gift list with an invite. Ifsomeone asks you for it then fair enough .

We sent a thank you to everyone who attended. Thanking them for sharing our day with us, we didn't just thank those who got us a present. Some traveled six hours to kindly share our day, of course we would thank them.

Ruby_Roo

minerva_windsong wrote: »

We didn't say anything about the gift list in our invites and have just waited for people to get in touch. Most people who've confirmed so far have asked us in person what we'd like but a couple also asked when they rang my mum to confirm.

We thought about that but we don't actually know all our wedding guests so they aren't people who would approach us, and whilst I'd trust my Mum to get it right if asked there is no chance OH's Mum would.

I don't expect gifts from guests and I wouldn't shove gift lists in guests' faces but I thought putting it on our website with other relevant information was fairly innocuous - if they don't want to buy us a gift the website is still useful for other info.