My daughter, the 7 year old hoarder

teaandcakeaddict

Hi All,
I'm looking for advice and tips on decluttering childrens [STRIKE]junk[/STRIKE] toys, when the kids are reluctant. Well, I say kids, but my son doesn't have any emotional attachment to his toys and clothes, it's just my daughter.

She is a hoarder in the making. She has a very large bedroom, but it is jam packed with stuff, and stuff piled on top of stuff. In the past when I've tried to declutter her toys and clothes, explaining that I was going to give them to children who aren't as lucky as she is, who don't have anything, she has gotten upset, and said "But my things are my memories". It's not just toys either, it's pieces of paper, drawings, stones,shells, twigs, leaves.......I sneak things out of her room when she's at school, but she always notices eventually, and isn't happy about it.

The situation has gotten more urgent as I am expecting twins in December and eventually they will need to share a room with my daughter (my son is in a box room, which only just fits in a cabin bed and wardrobe, also he has autism and doesn't sleep well, so sharing with him is out of the question). She is really excited about the twins arrival, and sharing a room with them so I hope I can use that as a motivating factor to help her declutter.

Does anybody have any advice or tips? I know she has gotten this behavior from me, I used to be very sentimental about my 'things', until I decided that the majority of my crap didn't bring me happiness, just aggravation, and decided to change my ways. I learned my behavior from my mum, who was a wartime baby and saves every piece of string and never throws anything away. It's sad to see the cycle repeating itself

shop-to-drop

I understand your daughter and also realise how important it is to take control now before it gets too bad.

You could try buying a box file that she can decorate and make a memory box. You can take photos of her with her toys or look through photos you have of her playing with the toys and put them in there. Clothing you can cut a piece of the fabric and put in there. Drawings and things can be scanned and kept digitally you could put a CD copy in the box maybe so it is all kept together.

Good luck I feel for you both. I'm so pleased that you are respecting her feelings about this.

savingqueen

I can identify with your situation. My 7 year old DS is exactly the same. My 2 boys share a room and we want to convert the box room (aka junk room) into a bedroom for DS10. DH and I like to keep stuff that might come in handy, have memories etc. We are gradually paring down our own stuff as well.

We are not "there" yet in terms of decluttering/dehoarding but I am hoping that DS7 (and DS10 to an extent too) will see us getting rid of stuff and that will help him/them.

Ideas:
I am planning to get a special box of some sort to store precious things in and when its full - that's it. If your DD has a special keepsake box maybe she will find it easier to choose what goes in (rather than what goes out IYKWIM?)

Both boys have a ringbinder (again called special lol) to keep favourite drawings, stories etc in. Although we still have lots lying around so need to get back to that idea again.

You could take photos of some artwork etc and make a collage or album before getting rid of. You could say that the babies might accidentally break her things or they might be dangerous and you really need her help as a grownup girl to make the bedroom safer.

Maybe a calculated bribe eg." if we can get the room really tidy then there will be space for a new rug in your favourite colour for you to play on, read books on and whatever" and that would also give her a little personal space which she might need when the babies arrive.

DS7 finds it easier to give away clothes, books and toys to younger child whom he knows well and likes. He will very occasionally say that item is too babyish for me now, I'll give it x child.

HTH and good luck
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craigywv

I have one of them! only its a 10 yr old boy,i find small but frequent removing while he not in house works,say bedside drawers one day, desk another, if he notices I say I was dusting/cleaning up and all the stuff is tidied away, he cant even remember what was in the drawers, also try using the old .............its been put up in the attic routine..........works all the time just say you put them up there as they were taking up space for new stuff...............exit charity shop!

whitewing

You are welcome to join us on this thread https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4507949

With my DD, if she has a feather or something on a day out, we set a time limit: you can take that home and play with it for a bit but it will go in the bin tomorrow. Also works for junky bits and bobs.

Clothes-wise, we do regular reviews. If it doesn't fit or is worn or tatty it goes and we tell her it makes way for new (or new-to-her stuff) eventually. We do pass stuff on to friends and she is okay with that now, but it isn't motivational for her; what she does like is that we have space in her drawers to put things away tidily and to select clothes easily.

Things like drawings etc that are just scribbles, she keeps for a day and then they go in the recycling bin.She does that now when we ask. We may keep 1/10 a bit longer. More serious pictures are kept longer.

Crayons and felt tips - if we get a new pack, the old ones get sorted, binned and good ones passed to Granny. Granny then chucks her old ones. So, there is a link between getting new and sorting out old.

She also witnesses us do that with our stuff. So she will see us sort through clothes and pass them on to a charity shop. And we talk about how we aren't upset (or how we feel a bit sad).

Soft toys are more of a sticking point. We would tell her we are going to sort them and pass some on but we wouldn't necessarily make her part of that process. We will talk about individual ones that we will keep.

We also request that family don't give her certain items (soft toys being one, bags being another). It had gotten stupid and, lack of space meant that we were having to get rid of stuff we liked just to cope with being given new-to-her. (Quite a proportion was preloved stuff).

It can be good (for you not DD) to make a list of things that she actually needs or would like so that if anyone does want to give her a gift, you can ask for something specific. Stemming the flow of incoming really helps reduce clutter.

You can talk to her about babies and how they need space to lie down, and crawl, roll over. That will help her understand, especially if you and her lie down and roll over and crawl. You can also get rid of a million little bits and pieces by saying that we have to be careful that this doesn't hurt a baby or they swallow it.

Let her create a space for some things that she will keep just for her to play with that the babies won't be able to have as they will be too little.

Also, maybe do 15 minute declutters, so she gets used to little and often. Again, a 15 min declutter of mmumy's stuff, 15 mins of daddy's etc.

Finally for now, it can be quite good to just declutter some of the things that have an age lower than her age eg if she is 5 then jigsaw puzzles for 3 year olds can go because you are 5 now. When you were 3 you were really good at learning how to do this puzzle but now you are 5, you are really good at harder things. Age is quite important to little people, they understand if you relate things to their age.

We did find we had to explain things many times. If she cried, we acknowledged the tears. The thing about decluttering though is that it brings its own rewards, either as you rediscover something or the space you gain for playing.

Eliza_2

My daughter was a bit like this but changed pretty quickly one day when she saw us getting ready for a car boot sale. I included some of her outgrown clothes but she was really reluctant. She did however agree to include them if she could have her own little stall and keep the money. Well I've never seen such a mini-hoarder turn into such a hard nosed business woman in one day. She bartered and bartered her toys and clothes and was really very tough. I think she felt that if those things meant so much to her she was going to make other people value them too.

Never looked back after that, in fact I had to check over the stuff she bagged for the next sale in case she had included current school uniform etc.

Some things however were so precious she still has them now (at 35!!)

I'm not a hoarder however so maybe she would have grown out of it anyway, but at the time she did have a friend with a very sentimental mother who would cry over every little smelly old soft toy and not wash them or get rid of them at all. Prob still has them now in her 60s if they haven't rotted away!

teaandcakeaddict

Thank you all for your advice, I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one in this situation!

shop-to-drop I totally respect her feelings about this, because once upon a time this was me.....is still is me! I feel grief and sadness when I get rid of something that has positive memories for me, but as an adult I have learned that my things are only things, and my memories are forever.

Lots of you mentioned a memories box, which is an excellent idea, why didn't I think of that?

Savingqueen Scanning special artwork is also a really good idea, I could get them made into a photobook or just get them printed out and make an album.

Whitewing you have given me lots of good advice there, thanks so much.

I'm off to go and organize her wardrobe and drawers now, she still has clothes in there aged 4! I'll have to let her review everything before I donate it but armed with your tips I feel like I will be able to help her come to terms with it better.

System

I'm living with two men who are constant hoarders. Empty boxes, bits of cardboard you name it, just in case it will come in useful at some point.

My sympathies.

kazwookie

I've had this in the past,not with a child but an adult, just pack the whole lot up and car boot it, then use the money for something useful.

I'm hard, but it needed to be done.

|Good luck with your twins.

teaandcakeaddict

Thank you for all the support, I've just given daughters wardrobe and drawers a good clear out. A bin bag for the charity shop and a bin bag of rags to recycle! Plus two large and bulky toys that haven't been played with for years (one of which she had previously agreed to get rid of, so I don't feel too bad).I have tidied and folded and organised all of her remaining clothes, so everything is easy for her to find and she will be able to choose clothes independently, something she struggles with because so many items were too small, had holes in etc.

Everything is in the boot of the car, I won't take them to the charity shop until she has had a good look around her room and tell me if there is anything significant missing. I'm not planning on letting her take any of it back, but I can fish something out of the boot and explain to her "This dress is age 4, you are nearly 8, you are a young lady now and this has made space to buy you some more grown up clothes" and she can try it on if she insists!

I feel like I've made a positive start, so thank you again.

trailingspouse

This is a bit radical, and it takes about a day to do it, but it works -

Empty the whole room - all the drawers, the wardrobe, all the toy boxes, under the bed, everything - out onto the landing. Then piece by piece, pick things up and let your child decide what should happen to it. The choices are - keep, throw, give to charity shop, give to younger cousin (or whoever). Have bin bags ready for action.

Obviously I 'steered' some of the choices - didn't want her throwing her brand new coat out, or giving a scrappy picture to the charity shop - but it was amazing how most of the decisions were sensible ones. And after a couple of times (we used to do it once a year), they know they haven't played with something since the last time, so are more amenable to getting rid. It also helps to talk about growing out of things (toys and books as well as clothes) and giving them to someone younger.

But it DOES need to be done all in one go (you don't want a landing covered in !!!! for days on end), and I found it worked best if the 'get rid' things went straight away so no-one had the chance to change their mind.

We made it fun - how quick could they make their decision - and they enjoyed seeing things they'd forgotten about. So did I!! Some of them actually would get kept and played with for a bit longer. We were also quite business-like about it - a proper start and finish time, with a coffee break and a lunch break.

When they were a lot younger I would sneak things out but I think as they get older you need to respect their opinion, and their things. It might be a grotty old whatever to you, but to them it matters. How would you feel if someone swanned into your room and got rid of stuff just because you'd had it a while?