dh not 'getting' it....

ditsykitchen

Do you have a joint bank account? I find that this means we are more fair with our finances. My husband earns a bit more, but we both work equally hard, so we're happy to share money. We did this before we were married too.

lindsaygalaxy

So not only do you have less money to spend, but you have to do the unpaid job of child care and housework too! I feel quite angry for you, mainly because I have been there!

You need to get tough. You need to make sure all money goes into one pot, then work out a budget for the month. You each have 'spends' but remember to inclide an 'other' column in your budget as children/ house things always come up. Its better to have some left at the end than not enough and you spend all your money. If your OH doesn't like it tell him you will be going to work full time as money is causing you too much stress, childcare costs will need to be shared and he will have to do more at home as you will be also working full time!

Goldiegirl

Does he realise how selfish he's being.

Maybe he's very self absorbed, and doesn't realise how unfair the current situation is.

I think it's time for some very plain speaking and a reorganisation of the finances.

We've always had a joint bank account. All the money goes into the joint account,and all the bills, shopping etc are paid from the account. It's not a case of his and her money, all of it is our money.

You can jointly agree a budget and how much to save each month.

And just don't buy crisps and sweets. He don't need them, he just wants them. That's two very different things.

I know it's a bit harsh but he needs to grow up a bit.

glitterkitty

I have been living with my BF for the last 18 months. I earn more than him, but we put the same amount into our joint acct for bills rent and joint food. (I have to commute to work, so any extra I earn goes on that) and out of our joint money we have a set equal amount for 'treats'. Anything else we want we buy out of our own money.

kboss2010

I agree with the posters here, however, joint accounts with someone who is financially careless can be difficult - what if you put money in for bills but he spends it and you get charges?

Some men just don't "get" it. I was discussing this with a female friend today, her OH is exactly the same! My bf is the same too, lived at home until he met me and his parents were comfortably off. He insists on cooking Jamie Oliver recipes all the time and he won't eat what I cook because he doesn't like vegetarian meals or healthy Chinese food which I lived on before we met - Jamie's recipes are really ingredient-heavy!

He has a temporary secondment in another city for a year so I'm hoping it will teach him how much shopping actually costs when he's paying from his own account rather than the joint account. I also make him give me £50 a month to put towards a holiday (I save the same amount in a joint fund he doesn't have access to)

tootoo

Thanks again for the replies.
We have a joint account for mortgage bills etc, but its as though the money goes in there doesn't matter whereas I still see that we could save more in there by cutting down on utilities etc.
Im reluctant to share my money now. I don't spend a lot but he goes out etc.hes also very quiet work wise. I've helped him a bit this month by paying his share of the groceries as I got a back payment of wtc. I get the wtc and child benefit so I pay for everything for the children. .
Its a shame I didn't think of how unfair this is whe he was earning four times my salary as maybe I wouldn't have had to have strugged for all these years.
Im not sure what the answer is, no way seens fair. Now his work is quiet I feel as though I shouldn't help ss he hasn't helped me, apart from a few clothes. . He also has debt and im damned if im paying anymore off for him.

dylan2011

In all honesty hun, it sounds like you need to put your foot down and tell him it is just not on. I would do a "mock" monthly shop on say tesco or similar and work out a meal plan, see how much it comes to, tell him he has to pay for half of it, and if he wants anything else at all, he has to pay it out of his own money. He also has to respect that half of the groceries you have bought are yours.
Dont put the treat stuff in, just buy what you need for the meal plan.
I would also discuss with him that as you do the house work, cooking etc. instead of being at work, you should be paying a smaller amount towards the general upkeep of the home. Either that or he stays at home with kids and you will go to work.
My partner and I have been together 10 years now, we have a 2 yr old and a 14 wk old. To be honest, he was bought up in a family who seems to revolve in a circle of debt. They didn't have much money, but were always going on posh holidays and getting the latest gadgets, resulting in a lot of debts. His mum sold her house 2 years ago, had a lot of equity, paid off all debts and was left with £20,000 cash, all of this was spent in a matter of months, and now they are in debt again, about to lose the home they are renting etc. owing money all over the place, yet they still manage an expensive holiday and no doubt a couple of grand will be spent at xmas as well.
This has rubbed off on my partner, and at times we have had problems with his "priorities" but I just have to be firm with him, and in the end he does "get it".
We have a joint account for all of our income, but in general I have full control of it, this works for us, he always asks if there is something out of the ordinary he wants, and he now understands the value of treats a lot more than he used to.
It has taken time to get to this stage, but we have and are happy, but the only way to solve it is to be firm and honest with him. Otherwise things wont change.

lobbyludd

perhaps now his business isn't going as well, and there's less disposable cash, is a good time to have the discussion. I'd approach it from the angle that throwing money away pointelssly (electric lights etc) means that it's harder to have treats. I'd then look at the contribution both of you make financial and otherwise.

lindsaygalaxy

There are a few interesting threads on here on how couples/ families manage money to get different points of views. I guess I always grew up with parents that put all their money into one 'pot' and they shared it as they were/are a family and look after each other.

I have a friend who lives the same as you. Once they had the baby I hoped for her things would change, but it didn't, so she had to go back to work nearly FT to earn enough to break even to pay the debt, his debt which he convinced her to take a joint loan out with him to cover. He still spends like its going out of fashion.

Either you are a partnership or not. If not, what's the point.

cottage_retreatist

tootoo wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.
We have a joint account for mortgage bills etc, but its as though the money goes in there doesn't matter whereas I still see that we could save more in there by cutting down on utilities etc.
Im reluctant to share my money now. I don't spend a lot but he goes out etc.hes also very quiet work wise. I've helped him a bit this month by paying his share of the groceries as I got a back payment of wtc. I get the wtc and child benefit so I pay for everything for the children. .
Its a shame I didn't think of how unfair this is whe he was earning four times my salary as maybe I wouldn't have had to have strugged for all these years.
Im not sure what the answer is, no way seens fair. Now his work is quiet I feel as though I shouldn't help ss he hasn't helped me, apart from a few clothes. . He also has debt and im damned if im paying anymore off for him.

hey tootoo!

I have exactly the same trouble with my OH - he is constantly trying to spend money despite the number of letters coming through the door from bailiffs he continues oblivious!!! Whereas every spare minute for me is spent tallying up where we could put an extra 10 pound here on a debt or 40 pound there and then he asks for 50 quid for a haircut!!!!

The reason why he asks is I went one step further than a joint bank account!! I know all his banking log in details and on his payday I take out all his money except 200 quid which is his 'play money' - he can spend it and when its gone, its gone. But then he comes to me!!!!!! :mad:

It drives me crazy - he's 8 years older than me and I somehow feel he should know better - and he's always earned more than me (especially when he was a high-flyer and i was a lowly Masters student) but we've always gone 'half' but it's always felt more like 'all' from me and '50%' from him!!

For me taking complete control is the only thing that has worked and so far I've paid 4 1/2k from our debts since May.

But it's exhausting and I'm very tempted to ask Martin Lewis to start a hypnotherapy tape I could play for all men who can't get to grips with money!!! :money:

Some people would say - well if he's that bad get rid of him!! I wish!! :rotfl: but we've sorted out our roles and now we have to battle forward and clear our debts and that's how I see it really - we're together and everything, all the money, is OURS so I will hold his hand as we wade through the s*itpie we created together!!!

Don;t know if this is helpful or not OP?!!!!!:o
hugs, C-R x