Partner Hiding Debt From me & don't know what to do!!

babypaws

Hi,

I don't know whether this is the right section to post & I've never posted on here before-but do subscribe to the emails.

I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm 23 next month & graduated in May. I got offered a job in Leeds, so moved away from home & took the job. My partner is 26 & he quit his job & moved down with me. When we first met he had a great job, but got made redundant & although he's never been out of work... His wage has increasingly got lower. He got a job down here & is doing well & actually almost on more than me (which isn't hard as I don't have a penny to name.)

I budget hard, I calculate all rent, bills, direct debits, food, & the money I have left I know is mine to enjoy.
But my partner I've found out has been rattling up debt. It started with parking tickets outside our house which he ignores, he's being charged on his over draft-it's reached its maximum so he now ignores it & his wage goes into another account. He hides letters from collection agencies-he has a credit card I never knew about is ignoring the repayments, he has a collection letter from O2 phone company (but he's with Vodafone,so god knows what that's about) & to be honest.... God knows what else he's hiding debt wise.

We've spoken about his debts before & he says it's his debt & he'll deal with it as he see's fit. He was extremely angry at me for breaching his trust & reading his mail. He feels that it's my decision to tell him about my finances-he doesn't ask.... & therefore I should do the same to him. He says its all unsecured & he knows so many people who've been silly with money & they did some ducking & diving & it's all fine. I think he owes about £3k with over drafts & these other debts I've seen. But I have a student over draft that I manage at 2K so I can't really criticise.


I understand where he's coming from, I'm his long term girlfriend & he's entitled to his own privacy. But I'm worried that the bailiffs will come knocking at my door & if we do decide to buy a house etc (which is a VERY long way in the future) that it'll effect me.

Please help!! What are the laws?? We rent a flat, but would anyone come to the house? Would he get taken to court? I don't know what to do!!

tallyhoh

It will affect your getting a mortgage. Do you currently have any joint finances like bank accounts etc? If so I would advise you to close them & open ones in your own name.
I am afraid he is being very selfish by considering this his private business, it will affect your future & if he is taken to court & defaults on a court agreement there is a possibility that bailiffs may come to the house.

I know only too well the affects of one partner ignoring debts.

plum44_2

Poor you.
Unfortunately he has no idea how much he will regret ignoring debt. It won't go away and when he finally faces up to it things will be a lot worse. Ignoring Parking tickets is madness.
I hope for your future he doesn't decide to take out a Consolidation or Pay day loan...
If you were able to talk to him, there is help out there -the charity Stepchange would be able to advise him- check them out online?

babypaws

All my finances are in my name thankfully. We don't share anything in name apart from council tax, which I pay & he gives me the money for.

I'm sick with worry. I'll speak to stepchange myself & maybe get them to contact him. As if I suggest it to him... he'll know I've been snooping.

plum44_2

There is so much provision to "manage" debt now. No one is going to come knocking but it is expected that you'll play ball and pay what you can, when you can.
Good luck x

Nickyj

I was the one who hid my debts from my OH, he founded my stack of unopened bills and was really angry for not telling him. I was cross with him for opening my mail but I eventually felt better that he had found out and it was all out in the open. He helped me pay a few bits off and got me on the right path. I became debt free last month and don't think I would be if he hadn't found out. I hope your partner will feel the same soon. Good luck with everything xx

cats2012

Whilst it is a bit invasive to read his mail, you have to question what that attitude means for your relationship and talk to him about it.

Ok you don't have any joint finances now, and obviously if he has defaults etc (which he will) you won't want to for a long time now, but if he sees this relationship having a future will he not one day expect you to have a mortgage together? Joint account for your kids/family? In which case it definitely does effect you.

I often think people don't realise how long debt haunts you for, even if all that stuff is way in the future any defaults on his file will stay for 6 years so you've already got that to contend with.

Good luck!

GreenNinja

babypaws wrote: »

Hi,

I don't know whether this is the right section to post & I've never posted on here before-but do subscribe to the emails.

I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm 23 next month & graduated in May. I got offered a job in Leeds, so moved away from home & took the job. My partner is 26 & he quit his job & moved down with me. When we first met he had a great job, but got made redundant & although he's never been out of work... His wage has increasingly got lower. He got a job down here & is doing well & actually almost on more than me (which isn't hard as I don't have a penny to name.)

I budget hard, I calculate all rent, bills, direct debits, food, & the money I have left I know is mine to enjoy.
But my partner I've found out has been rattling up debt. It started with parking tickets outside our house which he ignores, he's being charged on his over draft-it's reached its maximum so he now ignores it & his wage goes into another account. He hides letters from collection agencies-he has a credit card I never knew about is ignoring the repayments, he has a collection letter from O2 phone company (but he's with Vodafone,so god knows what that's about) & to be honest.... God knows what else he's hiding debt wise.

We've spoken about his debts before & he says it's his debt & he'll deal with it as he see's fit. He was extremely angry at me for breaching his trust & reading his mail. He feels that it's my decision to tell him about my finances-he doesn't ask.... & therefore I should do the same to him. He says its all unsecured & he knows so many people who've been silly with money & they did some ducking & diving & it's all fine. I think he owes about £3k with over drafts & these other debts I've seen. But I have a student over draft that I manage at 2K so I can't really criticise.


I understand where he's coming from, I'm his long term girlfriend & he's entitled to his own privacy. But I'm worried that the bailiffs will come knocking at my door & if we do decide to buy a house etc (which is a VERY long way in the future) that it'll effect me.

Please help!! What are the laws?? We rent a flat, but would anyone come to the house? Would he get taken to court? I don't know what to do!!

My advice would be to break up with this guy. I know it sounds harsh but he sounds just like my ex who lied to me about how much money he was earning, was spending behind my back and had 40k approx of debt. I tried so hard to help him, he only paid me a nominal amount per month for bills and food (he lived with me in my house) because I wanted him to clear his debts. Instead he ran up more, buying things, hiding things, and he had very expensive taste as well. I finished with him in the end and gave him two thousand pounds to get rid of him. I have had to put up with bailiffs coming to my house and endless letters etc and from what I hear hes still doing the same where he is now.

This man will never change he will continue like this and drag you down with him. Get rid.

Good Luck xxx

tallyhoh

GreenNinja wrote: »

My advice would be to break up with this guy. I know it sounds harsh but he sounds just like my ex who lied to me about how much money he was earning, was spending behind my back and had 40k approx of debt. I tried so hard to help him, he only paid me a nominal amount per month for bills and food (he lived with me in my house) because I wanted him to clear his debts. Instead he ran up more, buying things, hiding things, and he had very expensive taste as well. I finished with him in the end and gave him two thousand pounds to get rid of him. I have had to put up with bailiffs coming to my house and endless letters etc and from what I hear hes still doing the same where he is now.

This man will never change he will continue like this and drag you down with him. Get rid.

Good Luck xxx

I think I got your ex here:rotfl:

FireWyrm

In a true partnership, there are no secrets. His mail, your mail, its all mail for the house and if he's already attempting to hide things from you, what else down the line will he be hiding...an illicit mortgage on your joint property, a secret credit card?

This will not end well and unless you can get some sort of understanding between you, it will get far worse before eventually imploding.

A true partner doesnt maliciously hide potentially damaging information from the other. Its not just dishonest, its a downright tretcherous path to follow. Considering that you are already beginning to feel the effects of the stress, how much worse will you feel years down the line, trapped in a marriage, children and a house.

You have a window of opportunity here to extract yourself with the minimum of fuss. I suggest you take a very long hard look at where this is all heading.

Either you extract yourself, of you take charge, completely and utterly. From what you have said, he wont allow that.

foxgloves

I think I'd give him an ultimatum. You want a future with him (if you do) but not with a pile of debt. there comes a time when 'my debt' & 'his debt' becomes 'our debt' because even if you have your affairs separate at the moment, won't you at some point want to rent somewhere really nice, or buy a place together? This is just a silly amount of debt, easy to get into, but difficult to extract oneself from without a MAJOR change of attitude. I first started getting into debt age 19 (a much smaller amount as no-one would give credit cards or loans to students back then, thankfully) but failure to budget, wanting to have things instantly & a constant overspending habit meant that I continued in debt till I was in my early 40s!! This may seem an outrageous notion, but whereas my income has gone up & down, my absolute refusal to budget or spend within my means remained constant. Don't saddle yourself with someone so irrepsonsible, especially in these dreadful economic times......try & get a proper discussion going about why staying with someone in these circumstances is not possible for you. I suspect he'll go off on one, so give him a little while to calm down. If you can't get an agreement, it's probably time to have a serious think about your future together. Your ability to get a mortgage together will be affected, you have to question whether he'll be able to pay his share of the household bills/expenses in future & what he's bringing to the relationship that is so postive that it outweighs the piles of debt. Good luck with it. You will have to be strong.