Why can't I stop? SOA

purpleheather2810

Hey, firstly well done for posting your SOA and facing up to things. I think you've already identified the biggies - smoking, groceries etc. When it comes to the kids I really do understand where you're coming from with depression, keeping them occupied and wanting to be with friends. The good news is, it gets easier! My girls are 5 and 8 now - the little one started school in Sept - but when they were at home I used to use the Surestart groups/activities a lot (if you still have these); the library for free rhymetimes, activities or just hanging out somewhere warm and dry; swimming (which is subsidised in our area) and lots of tea and homemade cakes at friend's houses I would ditch the magazines if I were you - they are v expensive for what they are, you can print stuff off cbeebies website for free which is very similar. As for clothes, please try the charity shops. You can get lovely things these days, if you get to know which charity shops are good and which ones are a bit, erm, scummy (sorry)! I have picked up Next, Monsoon, etc at my local hospice shop. Also try Freecycle/Freegle. This has been amazing over the past few years. Things are not so tight for us now, as I am working part time while the children are at school. So hold tight, it doesn't last forever - enjoy your babies while they are little xxxx

dancingfairy

Hi. The things that jumped out for me are electric,council tax and cigarettes

I think you really need to do a proper sensible budget:
1) electric - how much do you think your electric should be a month? 80? You should put this amount in your SOA and then set up a payment plan to deal with the arrears 176 a month is not sustainable at all.
2) council tax - will this clear the debts before the end of the tax year?
3) can you cut down on the smoking at all?smoke roll ups or use gumpatches/vaporisers anything to help you cut the cost here.
4) Presents -can you allocate 30 a month in your budget?

At the moment you are overspending by nearly 200 a month before you even tackle the debts. What can you cut/reduce from the suggestions everyone has given?
df

exarmydreamer

I used to use cotton wool rather than expensive wipes for the little un's. Bowl of water and cotton wool, a whole lot cheaper.

Second hand clothes are a lot better in the secondhand shop's and if you consider that they are so young and in the house/soft play does it really matter?. Children don't really care as long as they are comfortable and warm.

Consider how your debt will effect you in a few years, those new clothes you buy now are costing you money and high interest especially with Next. If you can pay back now, by the time they are in school, you would have more disposable income for new things, if you carry on spending on new with interest you may not be in that good position in future.

Is it possible to meet up with family half way?, i.e library for kids reading, (they have lots of activities advertised normally) with cousins or meet up at softplay/park.

hereigoagain22

Wow - you guys are all so lovely. I was expected to be jumped on because it's obvious we have some luxuries we can't afford and need to make cuts. I guess most of you understand how hard it is. I want to be angry at society for allowing us to live like this but I have to remember that no-one forces me and I have 100% free will!

Okay, I'm going to quote one reply at a time as I can't work out how to do it all together. Bear with me please!!

polesalot wrote: »

Kiddies clothing is ideal secondhand especially for babies and toddlers because the stuff doesn't get much wear before it is handed on. Try ebay or local charity shops but really young children don' t care that much what they are wearing. By the time they DO care they are at school so only need a few nice outfits for the weekend as they are in uniform the rest of the time.

Do you have an Aldi near you? I liked their nappies. About £2 a pack cheaper than Pamper$ or Huggie$ and just as good. Actually try doing your big food shop there, you can save £££.

Hope this helps a bit.

First off, congratulations and well done on being debt free!!

You're right, kiddies don't need brand new clothes especially not at 2 years old and 6 months old. They really couldn't care less! I will try eBay but my account is frozen as I owe them money (need to add that to the SOA too then). I usually sell what they have to fund new things (and spend more money too!) but I can't now as eBay is frozen. I have realised that if I make cuts and save now I will have more money to buy them the little things they really need when they are older.

I do have an Aldi nearby but I prefer to online shop, I have no self-control at all when I go into a supermarket and can easily spend £150 in half an hour!!! I use any brand of nappy - whichever is on offer or Tesco's own. My MIL also occasionally turns up with 2 boxes of nappies which is a great help! My eldest is almost ready for potty training - she knows before she goes and is asking to wear pants so after the holidays I will push on with that and hopefully only have 1 set of nappies to buy!

Next reply coming up, can anyone explain how to multi-quote?? EDIT - have worked it out!

Newyorkdreams wrote: »

Hi HereIgoagain! I'm a newbie too so can't offer too much advice (I'm still learning myself how to get out of debt) but I wanted to mention a few things. You say you have absolutely nothing to show for your debt but I think you have 2 beautiful children to show for it. Being on maternity leave and the costs of things for baby and toddler must have contributed to the situation and I know you wouldn't change this for the world! So something positive has happened, it's not all negative.

I know how expensive smoking is. I smoked for 20 years and my husband smoked for 30 and we both packed in smoking nearly 1 year ago (it will be one year on 8 Jan). I smoked from the age of 13. I completely and utterly understand how difficult it is to give up. This is my 10th serious attempt but I never want to go back now. We gave up for a range of reasons but financial was definitely in the top 3. I recommend the smoking cessation forum as I would never have been able to quit without it (well that and a 12 week course of patches). I have the same user name on there if you want to have a look. My husband used the sky cig for 9 months - it's an electronic cigarette. So if you feel you can't give up nicotine completely, this is a very good alternative which is safe. It's about third of the costs of cigarettes. It's the best thing we have ever done....you can do it too!

The other thing I wanted to mention was depression. I also have suffered badly from this and I understand the link between debt and depression. Getting out of this situation with your debt will help your depression. I don't think your entertainment budget is overly excessive and if it helps you to remain healthy in mind whilst dealing with 2 kids under 2 then I say continue. However, you will need to cut back somewhere else in order to get your debt under control.

Whatever you decide, you have taken the first step to confront your situation and it's a brave step - well done. I did it last week and I have reaped the rewards.

We are all behind you, stay strong, stay close to this forum and set your quit date to stop smoking! I believe in you!

NYD x

Thank you so much for your lovely message. You're right I have my beautiful children to show for everything. While pregnant with DD I cleared absolutely everything but took a year's maternity leave and used my overdraft to fund it and have never cleared it. Then I ran up a few storecards but paid them off while pregnant with DS. Then since DS has been born it has completely spiralled out of control again. My OH had an affair at the end of my pregnancy and for a few weeks after DS was born which I found out when DS was a month old. I relied on OH entirely financially and put him out but was too afraid to claim benefits as I work in benefits and council tax and was ashamed for everyone to know what had happened. OH came home then lost his job so after all that I had to claim anyway! I ran up payday loans while he was away and I am still not 100% sure this relationship will ever work but I am giving it my best shot for the children's sake. One of my conditions is that I am independant - financially, socially (with a network of my own friends and support) and I never want to be in that position again.

My problem with smoking isn't the physical addiction to nicotine it's the psychological addiction to the enjoyment. I LOVE smoking - I love the buzz and the relaxation, it calms my anxiety and helps me cope with stress. I don't smoke very much during the day as I only ever smoke outside when the children are sleeping.

My son has dysphagia (a swallowing disorder) severe GERD (reflux) with chronic aspiration and has been hospitalised a few times with aspiration pneumonia and one thing I really want to do for him is to buy something called the RESQ wedge which is a medical grade sleeping wedge not available on the NHS. It's around £250 which isn't much more than a months smoking - this is my inspiration!

I am taking another look at entertainment. I think I need to realistically combine the childrens activities, petrol and entertainment cost as these are all related and my social life really and I need to come up with something realistic that allows me to keep building my independence and confidence without costing a fortune!

Thank you so much for your lovely message x

hereigoagain22

bouncydog1 wrote: »

Re: fridge/ freezer - ours did exactly the same. I am too tight to buy another so did a bit of research on net. OH pulled it out from housing and we cleaned the back of it and all around the front where dust and dirt had accumulated - I was very ashamed! Used vacuum cleaner and small paintbrush to get to the parts VC did 't reach. Result? Now works perfectly and it is quite old.

Re: Electric - set up a spreadsheet and do a weekly meter reading so you can see exactly how much you are using. Once you can see each week it's quite amazing how you cut back. I've even been known to dry clothes on towels on the bathroom floor because it's heated!

The fridge freezer needs replaced. A few weeks ago we completely cleared it out and pulled it away from the wall as I think it was overheating and it seemed to help but it's back to normal now. I think it's something to do with the fan in the freezer as it never comes on fully just clicks on and off. Today I had to throw out all my vegetables, fruit, meat as the past few days the fridge had frozen everything and this morning it had defrosted and gone all yuck and soggy. Need to replace this ASAP.

Definitely need to sort the electricity out. If I remember rightly the amount we should have been paying was around £120 so £56 was arrears which of course will have gone up now as I've missed 2 months payments. My OH is half the problem - he has the heating on all day, the TV on all day just for background noise, the laptop on and charging all day just for the sake of it. I'm really bad for leaving lights on too! We've just had our boiler replaced which should help. I also let my washing pile overtake me regularly and use the tumble dryer everyday. I need to catch up on all the washing and buy another clothes horse then wash and dry a load every single day without fail. If I can do it for a month I can sell the tumble dryer and put it towards debts! I am going to set up a huge spreadsheet with everything - debts, groceries, electricity etc. so will be sure to take readings every week and make cuts. It will help when me and OH go back to work as OH will be out 5 days a week and me 3 days a week.

clairey_em wrote: »

Do you have any nearly new sales where you are? They are fantastic for picking up gorgeous baby/ toddler clothes that are in excellent condition at a snip. I have also joined a couple of local Facebook selling pages which quite often sells bundles of clothes for little ones.

I know what you mean about hand me downs, my sister used to get my cousins then they'd come to me, so I remember what it's like, but I as never bullied about it, so big hugs for that, I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.

Good luck, I'm also not good and easily fall in to the cycle of debt/ pay it off/ debt/ pay it off etc. The less money I have the more stuff I want! Grr.

Good luck xx

Yep, loads of nearly new sales, I'm on loads of facebook pages too. I just don't use them enough!! Second hand clothes are usually lovely it's just an emotional issue I have with it I can't seem to let go of!

And definately - the less money I have the more I want. And the more money I have the more I spend with nothing more to show for it!

catwoman73 wrote: »

It looks like you'll be a bit better off when your OH starts work in the new year.

I'm sorry, but you either need to cut down the family visits or get them to come to you - you just can't afford the fuel for the weekly visits - have you told them this?

Don't cancel the contents insurance, but you could see if raising the excess reduces the price - if you had a fire, you would lose everything and need to replace clothes/beds/fridge/kitchen equipment etc.

Are there any parks/woods nearby that you can take the children to for a runaround as free entertainment? Get wrapped up and go for 'nature walks' - gets you out of the house and really brightens to mood/free exercise, which will make you feel better and doesn't cost anything.

Can you walk/cycle shorter journeys?

Finally, do you have a specsavers that you can use - my contacts cost £10/month incl aftercare and solutions and they've just written to say I can get one free pair of glasses per year from their cheapest range - some of which are absolutely fine.

I will be much better off in the New Year. We will lose around £180 per week of benefits but OH will be earning around £300. I want to keep finances seperate though but will work out a way.

Family visits are a sore point for me - I miss my Mum especially and my sister and her kids. I do think if I stuck to one visit a fortnight they'd make an effort to come the following week. I haven't told them I can't afford the petrol but am just going to have to be honest.

I can walk shorter journeys to the local shop but if I want to go anywhere else it has to be the car. I don't have a bike but couldn't cycle with 2 under 2 anyway!

We do have a big park and loch nearby and in Summer we spend all day everyday outdoors but I'm a bit of a wimp in the cold weather (we're on the coast in Scotland so it's ridiculously cold!)

With the contents insurance I didn't mean cancelling it altogether, I meant finding a cheaper policy then cancelling the old one? Can I even do this? I would save a lot if I could take out accidental damage but I'm too scared too.

I do have a Specsavers nearby - I used to be a member but stopped to use Daysoft instead, I'll have to go another visit and see what they can do for me!

pleasedelete wrote: »

Can you go back to work and oh look after the children? Being on maternity leave is probably a luxury that you can't afford.

I can't. Reason 1 - my children are my life, my son is under 6 months old and I consider maternity leave a necessity. He also has a medical condition and has spent around 3 weeks of every 2nd month in hospital meaning I barely get to see my eldest either. It is a strong belief of mine that mothers should be with their children for as long as they can possibly manage. Reason 2 - I have to give 8 weeks notice to go back early by which time OH will have started work anyway and I'll have no childcare. Childcare will cost me 3/4 of my salary. Reason 3 - my normal salary is £650 per month, my SMP is £540 per month. I'd spend £120 per month on the extra travelling so would be worse off so there's no point until SMP ends. The only reason I am going back at all is because I'll get a lump sum if I go back for 12 weeks (I forgot about this) and 6 weeks of this will be holiday so I'll only have to be back at work for 6 weeks. If we've managed to find a house closer to my family in this time I'll be able to stay at work with minimal travelling costs and cheap childcare from family.

I understand that it might look like I'm just off work because I can be but it really isn't like that at all!

hereigoagain22

rising_from_the_ashes wrote: »

Ohhhh I'd be careful with the f/f if it's freezing stuff in the fridge - you can get food poisoning from stuff being frozen/thawed - need to get the emergency savings sorted & look for a 2nd hand one ASAP



Come on ... join the January Grocery Challenge!
Families of 4 on there manage on £220 incl toiletries, cleaning stuff & nappies! (somehow - this is one of my weakness areas!:o)



Charity shops are much better now-a-days - there's also E*bay etc that didn't exist when we were small .... you don't need to buy "tat" but you can get new stuff for a fraction of the price of buying in the shops ..... use E*bay to sell outgrown stuff to buy new stuff



I feel for you on this one but a) you can't afford to do this every week and b) if you keep doing it then they're not going to make the effort! (and use their hard earned cash) - cut trips to every fortnight just now to help balance the books



Please don't do this .... what if something else happens!



Please go & see your GP about classes to help stop .... it's a lot of money!



Oh my! Really need to get this sorted - getting into debt for Christmas ..... nope, not what it should be about at all:( - and worse, it'll take you ages to pay if off .....

Best of luck - not long until OH starts work which should hopefully help a bit

Fridge knackered half the food today, it's been freezing for the past few days but thawed overnight and all my fruit/veg etc. had gone mushy and smelly :-( I will get money or vouchers from inlaws and my parents for Christmas which should be enough to put towards a second hand fridge-freezer. I don't need anything anyway!

I've joined the January Groceries Challenge but started at £330 eeek! I know I can do much better but just giving myself a starter budget. Anything I have left over can get thrown at debts! I want to demolish the debt as soon as possible.

I will use eBay to sell bundles of clothes as soon as I've paid my Paypal fees. Then try and be clever and buy even cheaper bundles for DS and DD from Facebook/carboots etc.

I agree with fornightly trips, it will be hard but I'm sure they'll understand (and might even make the effort to come here) and I can ring my Mum for a weekly chat with the free minutes I never use and can't get out of paying for on my mobile phone!

Contents insurance - I covered this in another post, I didn't mean having no insurance I was wondering if I could cancel this policy without incurring charges and take out a cheaper policy elsewhere?

With smoking I found it really difficult to get help. I visited the GP but had to wait for a referral to the stop smoking service which took 6 weeks and by this time I had lost interest in smoking. I use smoking for the enjoyment but need to find something to replace this!

NEVER getting into debt for Christmas again. I still haven't paid off the year before. I am planning already and budgetting £5 per person. May even cut that if I can get the kids to make home-made gifts.

hereigoagain22

purpleheather2810 wrote: »

Hey, firstly well done for posting your SOA and facing up to things. I think you've already identified the biggies - smoking, groceries etc. When it comes to the kids I really do understand where you're coming from with depression, keeping them occupied and wanting to be with friends. The good news is, it gets easier! My girls are 5 and 8 now - the little one started school in Sept - but when they were at home I used to use the Surestart groups/activities a lot (if you still have these); the library for free rhymetimes, activities or just hanging out somewhere warm and dry; swimming (which is subsidised in our area) and lots of tea and homemade cakes at friend's houses I would ditch the magazines if I were you - they are v expensive for what they are, you can print stuff off cbeebies website for free which is very similar. As for clothes, please try the charity shops. You can get lovely things these days, if you get to know which charity shops are good and which ones are a bit, erm, scummy (sorry)! I have picked up Next, Monsoon, etc at my local hospice shop. Also try Freecycle/Freegle. This has been amazing over the past few years. Things are not so tight for us now, as I am working part time while the children are at school. So hold tight, it doesn't last forever - enjoy your babies while they are little xxxx

There are no Surestart groups nearby :-( The toddlers group I go to is only £2 for 2 hours with both children and includes a snack for the eldest and a coffee and biscuit for me so good value though. And I am starting to make some nice friends there.

I did want to do Rhymetime at the library but when I went they said I couldn't as I owe fees (sigh, another thing to add to my SOA) from an unreturned book. I can't even take books out for DD there either so I end up buying them. Infact I have loads I could sell to pay some of the library fees off.

I'm going to be brave and try the charity shops, maybe January will be the best month as loads of people will have cleared out at Christmas? Might even get some new unwanted Christmas gifts for next to nothing. The Facebook groups are great and I think the nearly new sales start up again shortly.

dancingfairy wrote: »

Hi. The things that jumped out for me are electric,council tax and cigarettes

I think you really need to do a proper sensible budget:
1) electric - how much do you think your electric should be a month? 80? You should put this amount in your SOA and then set up a payment plan to deal with the arrears 176 a month is not sustainable at all.
2) council tax - will this clear the debts before the end of the tax year?
3) can you cut down on the smoking at all?smoke roll ups or use gumpatches/vaporisers anything to help you cut the cost here.
4) Presents -can you allocate 30 a month in your budget?

At the moment you are overspending by nearly 200 a month before you even tackle the debts. What can you cut/reduce from the suggestions everyone has given?
df

If I remember rightly the actual electricity DD should have been £120 and around £50 was arrears. I will contact them with meter readings and set up a DD again and ask to pay minimal towards the arrears until OH is back at work.

Council Tax will reduce to around £110 from April - another big cut :-)

Smoking has to stop, it's the only option for me now. I'm going to make a list and pin it up around the house. When the debt is cleared think of all things I can buy for the children with the money I'd usually spend on smoking!

Presents - £30 is exactly the amount I was thinking. Have wrote a list of everyone to buy for - mainly just the children :-)

exarmydreamer wrote: »

I used to use cotton wool rather than expensive wipes for the little un's. Bowl of water and cotton wool, a whole lot cheaper.

Second hand clothes are a lot better in the secondhand shop's and if you consider that they are so young and in the house/soft play does it really matter?. Children don't really care as long as they are comfortable and warm.

Consider how your debt will effect you in a few years, those new clothes you buy now are costing you money and high interest especially with Next. If you can pay back now, by the time they are in school, you would have more disposable income for new things, if you carry on spending on new with interest you may not be in that good position in future.

Is it possible to meet up with family half way?, i.e library for kids reading, (they have lots of activities advertised normally) with cousins or meet up at softplay/park.

I have come to realise that the children's clothes aren't important right now. If I can make cuts now then when they are older and it matters I can dress them in nice new clothes and shoes (and be sure that they are thankful and grateful for it too!!) I also have a habit of buying far too much, half of it never gets worn. So will buy cheap bundles for everyday wear and pick one or two special things for occasions that I can sell on when they are outgrown.

Family I'm going to cut visits to once a fortnight and hope they make the effort on the other week to visit me.


Thank you so much to everyone keep the tips coming as every single one helps, I think I have covered every ones replies and I'm really sorry if I've missed anyone - not intentional at all! I CAN do this and I WILL. Thank you everyone xxx

exarmydreamer

hereigoagain22 wrote: »

My son has dysphagia (a swallowing disorder) severe GERD (reflux) with chronic aspiration and has been hospitalised a few times with aspiration pneumonia and one thing I really want to do for him is to buy something called the RESQ wedge which is a medical grade sleeping wedge not available on the NHS. It's around £250 which isn't much more than a months smoking - this is my inspiration!

x

Are there any charities who can help fund, can you apply for DLA as he needs extra help?.

hereigoagain22

I have been researching grants but can't find anything at all suitable - mostly all I can find are for terminally ill children or grants to organisations only.

I have considered DLA but I think it's highly unlikely it would be awarded. I have spoken to mothers of children with the same illnesses and their applications were rejected as the condition is very unlikely to be permanent - over 90% of children have outgrown it by age 2. My son was fed by an NG tube for a short while but now that it has been removed we would have to prove that he needs significantly more care than another infant his age. He wakes 8 - 15 times per night in pain, we regularly visit a paediatrician, dietitian, speech and language therapist. We also do "feeding" therapy with him at home and life can be extremely difficult as he will only eat while fully asleep meaning that our whole day and feeding has to be planned to work around while he's asleep :-( It may be worth applying for but I think I'd find it quite upsetting having to fight to prove how much care he needs.

bouncydog1

exarmydreamer wrote: »

Are there any charities who can help fund, can you apply for DLA as he needs extra help?.

Definately suggest that you approach the TOFS charity to see if they can help you. The charity was set up many years ago for children that were born unable to swallow. There is now a worldwide membership as this is a rare phenomenon. However one of the side effects for TOF children is that many of them suffer with severe reflux and other associated issues. The organisation, which I will try to find the link for, may be able to provide assistance for your son and if they can't will definitely be able to point you in other directions where you may be able to get help.


As for your other half, only stay with him if it is the right decision for you.