Boyfriend's debt

olibearhorse

In fairness to my bf, most of his debt came from previous holidays with his now ex wife who insisted on going away 2/3 times a year on his credit card :rolleyes: followed by her taking all the profit from the house :mad:

I acknowledge what you say southwester and thankfully we do have a very honest relationship (and he is extremely honest about everything!) so I don't think gambling is a problem for him. Nevertheless, I will keep a close watch! I have encouraged his golfing which is now taking over all other bad habits which is excellent!

southwester_2

OK good, sounds like you have it under control

Good luck

SortingIt_2

Hi Tigger81

It sounds like you have had a big shock! I do feel for you, I myself have debts in excess of £60,000 and it took me a long while to face up to them and tell my OH (which I only did this week as it happens) looking at it from your boyfriends point of view, he was and still is probably ashamed of what he has accumulated, it took being with my OH and wanting a future to tell him
about. The situation similar to you, knew I had debts but not how much.
I can only say that the I too am more determined now than I have ever been to clear them and knowing that my OH knows the full amount and is supporting me in doing so (no financially might I add) has been fantastic. I would imagine it has been a great big lift off of your boyfriend shoulders now that you know and would think the fact that he is so pro active about it all is because he now has nothing to hide and everything is in the open.
We now have set dates over the next few months (first 25th May) to sit down and go through the finances again and see what progress has been made.
I would suggest setting an day/evening aside and getting all paperwork etc together and go through the whole lot - total etc and then set a plan in place. This is what my OH and I did. May I add though that my OH didn't think it was fair just to look at my finances so did exactly the same with his and he has found a few things he can work on too (although he is not hugely in debt) which he is working towards. It is a joint effort and he has 100% supported me since telling him earlier this week, know it sounds silly but I also have not felt this happy in a long time... sheer releif I think.
Anyway, enough waffling, I hope this helps in some way.

helping_hubby

Tigger81 wrote: »

As far as I'm aware there isn't in any other part of his life...he's just hidden this for many years. Do you think that means he could be honest from now on? Thanks by the way!

Hi,

I'm in a fairly similar situation to you, I vaguely knew about my hubbys debts (when we were just bf and gf), and in January this year he fully (I think fully - infact I'm almost certain now, after having access to all his accounts for over 3 months) admitted his debts to me.

If you want to read my history and some of the advice I was given, my post is here...
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=352289

If you haven't got the patience to go through all that, well, the short story is I've stuck by him, I do help out financially as in I take on a larger share of the bills so he can pay every spare penny to the debts, but at the same time, my hubby has made lots of sacrifices:
* Sold his car, and bought a cheaper one thats also cheaper to run
* Sold shares
* Sold lots on ebay (made more than £2k).
* Helped me cut our weekly shop down by finally eating value ketchup and beans! And now he's had them, his "I only eat heinz" days are over! He's totally admitted that he was being silly before.

There are lots of other things too. But I feel comfortable knowing he's making an effort and it's not all me. And I think he's learning, no, I know he's learning. He's changed a lot.

As mentioned by other people, I think you need to see all his bank statements, all his cards, loans, absolutely everything. Get him to phone up and get all the details of everything, APRs, monthly repayments, end dates etc. If he doesn't want to do this then he obviously hasn't had his lightbulb moment.

As mentioned above again, keep your finances separate from his. I nearly stupidly got a loan in my name to clear some of oh cards. Thankfully I came to my senses. The debts are his, and he is paying them off himself. That's the way it needs to be. Although I am still paying them in a way (through my bigger share of the bills). Argh it's hard to stand back and not chip in

Good luck.

misspoppy

Hi

You've had a lot of advice and support and I hope that its helped you. I was just thinking the first thing that I would do is make him pay his half of the house hold bills so he realises how hard its been for you recently. I would certainly want to be a part of his CCCS meeting and know everything from now. I think he's treated you really badly and needs to regain your trust if you decide to stay.

Remember how this all came out? Because you wanted to get a mortgage, if he enters into an IVA, DMP or declares bankrupt this will mean that you will have to get a mortgage on your own as his credit will be shot for at least 6 years. What do you want your future to be?

Markyt

Tigger81 wrote: »

As far as I'm aware there isn't in any other part of his life...he's just hidden this for many years. Do you think that means he could be honest from now on? Thanks by the way!

I dont think he was all that dishonest with you to begin with.

He was open about having a large debt, he just didnt reveal the scale. If it was me admitting it, I'd have been thinking along the following lines :

1) How much can I admit to without causing a serious upset / being dumped?
2) If I can get a grip on what I've admitted to, maybe I can get on track with the other part too.
3) This is all my doing and I need to sort it out. It isnt fair to burden anyone else with this, but I really need help - whats the least I can get away with asking for?

What I mean is, he might have been trying to protect you a bit from the worry of this, as well as being embarrassed about his naivety.

olibearhorse

Markyt wrote: »

I dont think he was all that dishonest with you to begin with.

He was open about having a large debt, he just didnt reveal the scale. If it was me admitting it, I'd have been thinking along the following lines :

1) How much can I admit to without causing a serious upset / being dumped?
2) If I can get a grip on what I've admitted to, maybe I can get on track with the other part too.
3) This is all my doing and I need to sort it out. It isnt fair to burden anyone else with this, but I really need help - whats the least I can get away with asking for?

What I mean is, he might have been trying to protect you a bit from the worry of this, as well as being embarrassed about his naivety.

Totally agree!

Tigger81

fatbelly wrote: »

I'm a CAB adviser. If couples are living together I prefer to see them together where possible, even if most (all) the debts are in one name.

Any chance of you going with him to his appointment? If he doesn't like the idea, you are free to draw your own conclusions...

I hadn't thought of that...he's really happy for me to come so I'm hoping that means I really know the worst now about his debt!

Have also shown him this site now and he sat for ages last night reading it and found it really helpful and supportive

Tigger81

Horico wrote: »

ooh, my first post...

different personality types will find it easier / more difficult to talk about the debt for differing reasons.

Is your other half the naturally confident, outgoing type that has the gift of the gab or someone who is pretty quiet, introverted and non offensive (there is a sliding scale of course). You might assume that the first person may be hiding things as they tend to feel in control of their situation even if they're not. The other type of person may genuinely be ashamed of the debt that they've built up and feels that if you were to know, you would judge them anyway.

Good point...he's very quiet and shy, I think that was why I was so shocked...just seemed so out of character. Thank you for your thoughts

Tigger81

Imelda wrote: »

Why don't you ask him to get a credit report so that you can see what he owes and whether he has been missing payments. Also, I found it hard keeping track of £10,000 worth of debt so he may have "forgotten" about something.
Someone should be able to tell you where you can get one free/ with Quidco cashback...

Thank you...we've done that now, for both of us so guess there won't be any hiding or forgotten things now. Do you know if these reports list everything? Have requested one from all 3 agencies