he just doesn't get it!

turtlemoose

Ok....OH came to me today and said lets get Xmas out the way, then from jan he will continue to pay his current 55 a month BUT anything he earns over his base £1200 will go towards debt.

Some months this is as much as £200 (although not very often, granted) - and he knows usually its around the 30-50 mark.

I feel like this is a good step, a tentative one, but a step nonetheless.

It has been therapeutic to put this on here, and I've had some great replies. I think I will continue to use this as an outlet and to track how the debt busting is going - a little reminder for me that we have made a big commitment together (ie a child) and that I don't want to walk away just because things aren't easy right now. And if this shows things don't improve....well then I have some thinking to do, but maybe this will help me get my head straight

Thanks to everyone who has commented.

Vikipollard

Oh hun, he won't do it. If he was prepared to, he'd be doing that from now, not pushing the goalpost a fictional two months. January will come and he'll be bullish and sulky and have a hundred reasons why he can't do it now ~ but let's wait until after Easter/holiday/*insert selfish reason* will be rolled out.

Harsh reality is that he hasn't accepted his responsibility. If he had, not only would he be throwing the extra cash at his debt now, he'd also halve that £300-£350 he spends on HIMSELF ~ he can't even claim it's on family stuff. I can't begin to express how astounded I am at that.:mad:

Please don't buy a house with him ~ sorry, FOR him. You are an excellent role model, both as a mum and financially. Until he grows a pair and man's up at least, bat all ventures like that off. And he needs to be able to sustain that for the nine of so years until his credit file is clear.

Get him to read this thread. Hopefully he will be shamed into taking some responsibility.

Sambucus_Nigra

I'm sorry but upping it maybe £30 a month, from [lets face it - it's going to be February after Christmas as January is a long old month], when he is spending so much on a load of tosh - well, it's pathetic to be honest.

theoretica

I want to know what he would say if you were the one to say what a pity we can't buy our own house...

turtlemoose

I'm liking the harsh replies - I often find myself thinking these things but biting my lip.

I'm a long time (several years!) lurker on this board. I've never been in a position where I've not been able to afford to pay my way - but I've had many a month in the past where tips on here have managed to stretch those last few pennies....or given me the motivation to cut back and save up for something. From what I've seen - people need to have their own lightbulb moment....it's not something that can be forced. Otherwise there will be whining, sulking, digging heels in etc. I guess what I'm searching for is for him to have his own lightbulb moment of his own accord really - if that is even possible.

And no, I'm not going to show him this thread. This is my outlet, and I'm not ready to be so harsh to someone I love. I haven't sugar coated it because you are all a bunch of (very helpful!) strangers to me. I'm not ready to give it him full blast like this.

Sambucus_Nigra

turtlemoose wrote: »

I'm liking the harsh replies - I often find myself thinking these things but biting my lip.

I'm a long time (several years!) lurker on this board. I've never been in a position where I've not been able to afford to pay my way - but I've had many a month in the past where tips on here have managed to stretch those last few pennies....or given me the motivation to cut back and save up for something. From what I've seen - people need to have their own lightbulb moment....it's not something that can be forced. Otherwise there will be whining, sulking, digging heels in etc. I guess what I'm searching for is for him to have his own lightbulb moment of his own accord really - if that is even possible.

And no, I'm not going to show him this thread. This is my outlet, and I'm not ready to be so harsh to someone I love. I haven't sugar coated it because you are all a bunch of (very helpful!) strangers to me. I'm not ready to give it him full blast like this.

They do need to have their own LB moment but you can chivvy that along a little...

How about suggesting 'living for 6 months with the same circumstances as if we had a £xk mortgage', and 'take' into a joint account the extra that would be going into the mortgage and associated costs and see if he can survive on the remaining. If he can't do that now then how is he going to do it if you do ever save up to get a house?

turtlemoose

sambucas nigra - I like your idea - however I've done some calculations recently (my own daydreaming!) and we would actually be significantly better off with a mortgage than our current cost of renting...so that idea won't work unfortunately!

If only we could live in the house that I already own...mortgage is only £335 a month VS £625 rent where we are now - but it's in a terrible area with nightmare neighbours (I had 3 burglaries in less than 3 years), and I just wouldn't feel safe having my baby there. Then there would be plenty of spare cash for debt and maybe he would be a bit more motivated.

I know he struggles with knowing that even if he does give up everything (or just something), it is still YEARS until the debt is gone. I think that thought is so daunting for him in his current frame of mind, it's sort of like "it'll take so long it's not worth bothering". Not right, but that's where I think his head is at right now.

He has owned a house in the past (he's 36 years old) with his ex, I've seen his credit report, that mortgage was always paid on time, and the house was sold when they split. So he CAN do it...just isn't doing it now. Hmm.

searching_me

im sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like you're making excuses for him because you love him and dont want to hurt him and yes you can take in to account hes probably took a huge knock with what has happened in the past ... but he needs a massive wake up call not you enabling him or he will drag you down .. his carefree spending will only bring you down even if you dont realise by how much .. believe me i know .... you need to stop it now before you're stuck just as much as he is x

turtlemoose

searching_me no not harsh at all.

I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses. In all honestly, sometimes I just think he should man up, stop spunking his money on f*ck all every goddamn month and put it towards our future.

HOWEVER I know he is genuinely embarrassed about his debt, and this is compounded by (he feels) not earning enough to pay it back at a quick rate....so I'm not about to make him feel like a puppy having his nose rubbed in his mess.

I'm trying to be understanding and supportive...but at the same time give him a bit of help/shove in the right direction.....

[Deleted User]

I think you need your own light bulb moment with regards to this relationship.