he just doesn't get it!

turtlemoose

Hi folks, sorry I haven't been back for a while - small baby and all that!

Some excellent replies on here, thank you.

Ninjasavingkat asked about all our debt, so here goes.

No joint debt.

I owe: £205.44 per month personal loan, exactly 3 years left. £343.65 per month personal loan - last payment August 2013. Mortgage £54k on a residential mortgage with consent to let - tenant covers mortgage, tax and £55 a month goes in to a "repairs etc" pot for the property. Interest free payment plan for laser eye surgery, £98.25, last payment on the 1st December. So it's my two personal loans he has a dig about - at just under £550 a month I agree they are large - however my take home pay is £1800+, so I can easily afford them.

There has been an unexpected circumstance for me, in that those two loans won't actually exist anymore at the end of the month - I've come in to a little bit of money so I'm paying them both off , saving myself £906.49 in interest in total :j

That leaves me with no debt at all.

Yes I am still on maternity leave, I will receive SMP at £135.45 a week until the end of feb, I also receive £425 a month car allowance which I still get while on mat leave. I also had savings before going on mat leave (currently £3900) - with my loans gone, I can actually use that savings to take an additional 3 months unpaid maternity leave, and not go back until the 28th may :T

So - on to OH debt, none of it is earning interest or charges.

He owes:
Severn Trent £40.08 (was 440+ - last payment dec 2012)
British gas : £107 (last payment will be paid off feb 2013)
Lowell (was 3 mobile) : £319 (paying £1 a month)
BT: £88 (will take the money going to British gas above when paid off and pay this in two installments so paid off apri 2013)
His mum: £450 (not paying anything)
HMRC: 850 (tax credit overpayment, not paying anything)
Santander 3050 (abbey credit card, paying £15pm, was 3500+)
Santander 2600 (overdraft, not paying anything)
Solicitor 1400 (not paying)
South staffs council £1001 (housing benefit overpayment, paying £2 a month)
Me: £12 - paying me tomorrow or else!

His income - £1200 ish. Variable but never less than 1200, never more than 1300.

So you can see I've got him paying some of it, but verrrry slowly (£55 a month).

Boris Allen - I do agree with you up to a certain point, however as verbatim says, its not fair for me to potentially have to shoulder all the child related stuff later on.

We actually had a really good open and honest conversation about money the other night, he actually spends £77 a week on what I would deem luxuries, and if he did an SOA you'd all be screaming at him "cut these out!). I pointed out it will take him 8 years and 7 months to pay his debts at this rate - he wasn't very happy. I continued, saying THEN we start saving for a deposit, while waiting 6 years for his credit score to be ok - so he would be 51 years old by then........he just went very quiet and went off for a cigarette (I've got him on roll ups to save money!)

Quantic - I do like your post, very much - and I have been musing something similar myself for a little while. I guess I am worried about being bitter at "going without" to provide for us as a family unit, while he merrily has all the things he enjoys because he "works to live not lives to work"....I guess I need to work out in my head if I can deal with that or not.

bouncydog1

Well hopefully pointing out the facts might make him change his ways but if they don't after a few months then I really think you need to consider what sort of future you will be having. What about family holidays? Will you either be paying for all of you or going on your own with your child?

Hopefully setting it all out will have given him a reality check! As for you, you sound like a wonderful role model for your child. Enjoy your little one.

turtlemoose

Bouncy dog you have a very valid point about things like holidays.

This year we spent a week in France - I used my tesco points for Eurostar tickets, drove the 8 hours each way myself (he can't drive), and I did surveys and sold stuff on eBay to earn enough for spends, including a day in Paris. Accomodation was free as we stayed with my parents.

After I had sorted out everything, earnt the money for it all, then paid for everything, did all the organising and then all the driving.....well to be honest I was pretty resentful, we spent the whole holiday rowing, and I wished I hadn't bothered sorting it out for all of us to go (me, DS, OH and his older son from a previous relationship).

I feel inclined to, next year just sort out me and DS unless OH can contribute proportionately - I don't expect him to pay half as I do earn more, but a 60/40 split would be fair. But I don't want DS to miss out on holidays with his daddy.l...and I want holidays with my partner.

bouncydog1

It's tricky isn't it - but is your partner really your partner as it sounds a bit one sided to me. I have always earned a lot more than my OH but this has never been an issue as it all goes into one pot and we discuss everything between us. He does stuff around the house that I couldn't do or we would have to pay someone else to do - I work long hours and he cooks the dinner - but it is a partnership. Ultimately what you decide to do is up to you but you only have one life to do it in, and deserve to make that life the best you can.

DCFC79

turtlemoose wrote: »

Bouncy dog you have a very valid point about things like holidays.

This year we spent a week in France - I used my tesco points for Eurostar tickets, drove the 8 hours each way myself (he can't drive), and I did surveys and sold stuff on eBay to earn enough for spends, including a day in Paris. Accomodation was free as we stayed with my parents.

After I had sorted out everything, earnt the money for it all, then paid for everything, did all the organising and then all the driving.....well to be honest I was pretty resentful, we spent the whole holiday rowing, and I wished I hadn't bothered sorting it out for all of us to go (me, DS, OH and his older son from a previous relationship).

I feel inclined to, next year just sort out me and DS unless OH can contribute proportionately - I don't expect him to pay half as I do earn more, but a 60/40 split would be fair. But I don't want DS to miss out on holidays with his daddy.l...and I want holidays with my partner.

Thats a bit unfair you did all that for the trip and nothing is done in return for sorting for sorting the trip. has you OH considered taking lessons to share the driving in future ?

exarmydreamer

He needs to pay his debt to HMRC quite sharpish or sort a payment plan out. HMRC and council Tax, are two bills never to be ignored.

I hope you don't mind me commenting but, do you think he is a bit resentful that you earn more than him. He may think that since you earn more, you should shoulder a lot more than him money wise. I know it's unfair on you, but it might be worth having that conversation with him. As eventually you will be going back to work and he will have to share more of the load (as a partner would), with a little one.

[Deleted User]

I know it was mentioned earlier, and I am not sure if you responded. But make sure that you are not financially tied - joint bank account etc, otherwise his poor credit will ultimately affect your credit reports.

And if you need to re-mortgage or gain other credit for anything in the future, you might find it increasingly difficult.

Hope you sort it all out soon, and your OH sorts himself out soon - as it seems he still has the mentality of a single man rather than a family man with family responsibilities.

eco_farmer

Domino9 wrote: »

I know it was mentioned earlier, and I am not sure if you responded. But make sure that you are not financially tied - joint bank account etc, otherwise his poor credit will ultimately affect your credit reports.

And if you need to re-mortgage or gain other credit for anything in the future, you might find it increasingly difficult.

Hope you sort it all out soon, and your OH sorts himself out soon - as it seems he still has the mentality of a single man rather than a family man with family responsibilities.

im normally a lurker trying to learn rather than giving advice but having read this thread i felt compelled to add a +1 to the above post. for what ever reason your partner hasn't yet grown up, financially at least. He needs to get a grip or stop wasting your time. :mad:

from a normally chilled lurker eco

turtlemoose

THanks again for some great replies.

Yes we do have a joint account for bills. Thanks to noddle I've realised how much it trashed my previously-perfect credit rating. I've discussed this with him and we are changing the account to my name only, then requesting a notice of disassociation.

Dcfc79 - nooooo don't be silly, how could he afford driving lessons, and a theory test, and a practical test....and then of course we would have to contribute to the car insurance, fuel, maintenance etc - which is currently all my costs as its "my" car. That one stung me rather recently, and I shall be much more reticent in my spontaneous offers to take him to/pick him up from work in the future.

Exarmydreamer - I don't think he is resentful of my extra money - he has said in the past he knows im much more career driven than him etc. When i am back at work, household income is £3k so as I earn £1800 that is 60% - so I will pay 60% of joint bills and he will pay 40%. I think thats fair, and he has agreed he thinks that is fair too. What I'm bothered about is that he smokes, drinks and generally throws away the rest of his money, all the while expecing nice family days out, holidays, buying a hoouse, a chauffeur (me) - all at no cost to him.

Domino9 - I think you have hit the nail on the head there with the single man mentality. Its all the more frustrating as he is the one who was pushy about having a baby, who moans about renting, who moans how underpaid at work he is, who moans how long his commute is on public transport....etc etc etc.

gfplux

There are more types of abuse than just physical. Your "partner" is abusing you financially. If you put up with it you have no one to blame but yourself.
What actually do you get out of this relationship?
As a man I am shocked that you let him put you through this.
People do not change.
However you should remember the very old saying.
Men think women never change
And
Women think men will change.
I wish you luck. Sorry.