he just doesn't get it!

turtlemoose

Any tips would be gratefully received, if not just the opportunity to moan is probably enough.

My partner has around 9k debt, various things, the two big ones are a credit card and a personal loan, 3k and 2.6k respectively. The rest is made up of little bits and pieces - £120 to British Gas, that sort of thing.

I have more debt than him, in the form of two personal loans, and a mortgage. I have tenants in my property, and the personal loans are easily covered by my income. I also have 2 months salary in savings (would be more but has been depleted as on maternity leave).

OH moans about us renting, throwing money away etc, and how he wants to buy a house. Yet he is only paying off 40 off one debt, and 15 off another, and has made no moves to address the rest.

I've tried to help but im aware of being pushy, which i know won't help. However, it infuriates me to have to listen to the "I want us to buy a house spiel" when he spends around 300-350 a month as his 'leisure money'. I think he could cut his spending down to 40 a week, not miss out on anything important, and then have extra money for his debts. Or maybe like me, as I'm on maternity, money is tight at the mo, so my spending money is ten pound a week - and im the one with all the spare time to fill!

But im not his mother, as long as he pputs his half in to the joint bills then we can stay on top of joint outgoings....but if he never changes we will never buy a house. Is this just something he has to work out for himself??

FireWyrm

His £350 a month 'leisure money' equates to around £4000 per year! That's a huge expense. He could definately pay a chunk of his debts in one year flat and then start saving by using what is being eaten by the debts in interest.

Tixy

Do you want to buy a house with him?

If so then when he goes for the "I want us to buy a house spiel" then simply agree with him, "I do to, lets both work at cutting our outgoings, paying down our debts and then saving up a deposit to make it happen as soon as possible".

Or something like "it depressses me to that we can't buy anywhere, lets not talk about it for a year and see if we can both halve our debts in that timescale".

NinjaSavingKat

Hey there TurtleMoose. Congrats on having baby for a start!

This situation would infuriate me, the way you have explained it has already? Why, if you have carried this baby for 9 months, is he the one spending SO much on "leisure activity"... Why is he incapable to realizing what the future will hold if he continues the way he is?

You have your own house so clearly understand what is entailed, not just with a deposit, but solicitors fee, surveyors, legal work, life insurance etc.. have you managed to sit down with him and allow him to realize just what is expected? In black and white?

Does he have savings or is the deposit going to come from YOUR house equity?

Instead of telling him he needs to pay off his loans first, which will make him even more defiant, and make you look more of a nagger - tell him you are just as eager to get a house you can call a home. Sit with him one evening with your laptop in front of you and look at some houses in a "desirable" area... then work out the 15%-25% deposit which is now sometimes desired. Work out with simple calculations how much surveyors fees and all the "other" bits may cost..( am lead to believe this could be £7000 at least ).. then there is the stamp duty for houses over £125,000. That's enough in itself to make anyone sick..

Put the figure in front of him and ask him if he has this available. If he then suggests another loan to cover this all you have my permission to glare at him in disbelief, then leave the room... and scream!

Sometimes those who have no house, or no clue about what the debts are doing to their credit rating (which will affect getting a mortgage in the first place) ....never mind that they will go through his finances and yours with a fine tooth comb to find out how he is living his life up until the point of wanting a large mortgage...

You could ask him why you are the one making the sacrifices, is he expecting you to live as you are whilst he has his "leisure money" when you move into this new house... and is he thinking about the real future... baby's education?

Sorry this is long but I actually feel your frustration from here... I hope this isn't sounding quite as patronizing as I think it is having read it back but this is just my advise...:o

Good Luck....

..although as Tixy says.. doing it together might be very rewarding. A joint project. Best you get rid of your debts before another house too I suppose.. It will sound better if you want to approach yours with the same attitude that he will need to address his loans / debts.. Couples who save together stay together..lol!

turtlemoose

The thing is, he knows about the debt, I collated all the paperwork that was hidden in loads of different places in his old place - we have lived together for a year - and got his noddle report and set it out in black and white.

He knows it, he knows he owes it, and yet he still moans about the house we, at this rate, will never buy. 3 defaults a month are added on to his credit report. Drives me nuts!

I have done the sitting down to show houses type thing, he just gets depressed about his debt.....but then never does anything bout it.

If I try to hint or suggest ways to sort it, he gets defensive and snaps that I have more debt than him.....yes but my debt is fr a reason, I have something to show for it, a loan for the car that work require me to have, that they also pay me a car allowance each month for. The car loan will be paid off in August, but work will continue to pay me the allowance and I can use that car for work for another 2.5 years after that point - so work will have paid forthe 2 year loan on my car, and then paid me another 9k after tax after that...but he won't see it like that.

He needs a lightbulb moment, but it just doesn't seem anywhere near.

I even offered that he ups his "joint" contribution by £50 a month, and more on months when he gets a bonus (4 times a year), plus give me whatever extra he has left in his account on payday (even if it's pennies)....and then I'll sort out the debts in order of priority. He agreed to this, in fact acted really keen...but the £50 never appeared part of me thinks this is probably good as he needs to learn how to sort this out himself - but how is he going to learn if he won't face it, won't deal with it, and won't let anyone teach him how to sort it out? Gah!

Time_to_face_the_music

Hi turtlemoose :hello:

He sounds like he needs a reality check .... and then some!

Does he know that he stands no chance of getting a mortgage with those defaults? In the real world he is looking at least 6 years before he has a chance of getting his name on a mortgage. Maybe getting declined for one in the meantime would bring about his LBM?

NinjaSavingKat

Hey Turtlemoose.. how are you? Any progress with OH?.. I read what you put up there but didn't have time to reply so apologies that I am only getting to this now. Men are strange creatures - it might be too overtly "stressful" for him to deal with the nitty gritty details - whereas we women sometimes thrive on it ( I know I do )...

If he is left to sort this out on its own it won't get done. I am usually one for letting people "see the light" on their own but this one directly affects you. I can't begin to imagine how annoying this is but you might have to take the reigns...

Since you want a house together - stress to him that if he is unwilling to listen to you and put into action a debt repayment plan that will cover both your loans, then you are no longer willing to listen to his empty desires for a house...

Stress again that you are willing ( you might have to be ) to deal with the debts, he just needs to set up a standing order straight into your account every 1st of the month - starting this November...

Tell him ( maybe you have already ) that his lackadaisical attitude to something that will affect you both in the long term, his inefficient money handling and his desire to ostrich ( head in the sand ) is just as stressful to you as he assumes your "nagging" is to him...

Then let him read this thread to see how much it has affected you ...the way its seems it that he is being the petulant child - instead of "you know what, your right, lets do this together" he is intent on finger pointing..

But what are you going to do though if he NEVER see's the light...? He might not like the idea of being taught - as it assumes you know more than him. He might know what needs to be done but its the determination and desire he lacks..

Tell us though - how much is owed by you both..?

quantic

Before I bought my house, I was in a similar positon to you, we both decided to save up for the deposit, except - she never did. She would put money away and then spend it slowly thought the month - on rubbish/socialising, in the end I managed to save the deposit on my own because I was sick of waiting for her. She was very poor with money, but I accepted that I loved her and wanted to live with her so bought it using 100% my deposit.

Now that we are living in it, she has realised that she "didn't do her part" if you like, without me even mentioning it to her since, and as a result she has changed her ways pretty drastically. She's now very good with money and has no debt what so ever.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, sometimes people just need to be left to sort things out for themselves. Perhaps if you begin to save up for your half etc, without nagging him - it may kick him into gear, as he will realise you moving forward without him.

NinjaSavingKat

Quantic I think I prefer your method more than my own to be honest. But there is a baby involved.. I would assume maternity leave is still in progress.. Where he is happy to spend money on himself how can a new mother who has childcare to concern herself with save a good amount of money when her partner is being so flippant..

I would advocate turning a blind eye were it not for the little one - who brings a whole new meaning to the word tired / stress without the money issues..

But I suppose relaxing ones approach to the OH has its greatest benefits...

Verbatim

What immediately occurs to me is that this sounds like a parent /child relationship between the poster and her partner, despite there being a child involved. Who is supporting this baby? Is he thinking that all the extra expense will come from your pocket while he continues to have a red line around "his" money? I hope you don't have any joint accounts with him as his deteriorating credit score will impact on your otherwise increasing one. If you do have any joint accounts perhaps consider getting yourself "disassociated" from him, in terms of money asap until he's more reliable.
Also there are so many stories on here of women , (and a few men) whose partners have got them to pay for things for them because their own credit rating is terrible who have then gone off leaving behind the debt, and often the children, for the other person to pay for.

Boris_Allen

Ultimately it's his money, not yours, so you have no right to tell him how to spend it. If he moans at you again about wanting to get a house though, you have every right to tell him to !!!!!!.