itsa's boot camp diary

Loopylou1

WOW Itsa!

came across your diary.... well done to give up smoking is amazing let a lone doing it at probably a really stressful time in your life (tackling debts and all the horrors that come with it)

I really take my hat off to you!

*SUBSCRIBES!*

MuffinTops

Hi Itsa,

I can also really relate to a lot of what you're saying.

Well done on achieving Smoke Freedom too. You're doing so much better than you're giving yourself credit for.

itsa

Hi everyone and thanks for your support.

Sorry I haven't been around to answer earlier. I've still been spending a lot of time working, then this weekend I think I've just had enough of everything and felt really down. I think I'm so busy at work that I don't have time to think about things, then in the evening and the weekend it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I'm still not smoking, but again, there have been times when it's been a close run thing. I seem to be having a lot of memories appearing, things I haven't thought about for years. To be honest, I sort of knew I was smoking (and drinking, and working too much, and a whole host of other things) to deal with some emotional stuff, so it's not unexpected. I fought it for a while, putting on a cheery face and telling myself to get on with stuff, but today I've just sort of relaxed into it and given myself permission to be depressed, if that makes any sense. And I actually feel better

So, next week, I'm just setting myself one aim, other than actually making it through the week, and that's to clear the paper from my bedroom. I don't think my bedroom is currently conducive to a relaxing, revitalising night's sleep :eek:

Hope everyone has a good week (hoping I'll make it back here more regularly, but just in case )

itsa

Rainbow_Bridge

Hi Itsa,

You know yourself really well, and you have been masking the pain for a good reason, so I think it is really brave of you to work through it.

Ultimately, I think, that is the only way to real peace.

I love the way that you are treating yourself with kindness and understanding, you are worth it xx.

itsa

creeps back in

Not been back for a while as I fell off the smoking wagon. I could just kick myself when I read how far I got and how much support I had from you guys. It was stupid really - I wanted to smoke, I knew I was going to smoke, and I 'engineered' a row with a friend to give me an excuse to smoke. I kidded myself for a while that it was just a slip up, but in all honesty, once the focus had gone it was a no hoper.

I'm working on getting my head back into the right place to have another go.

Financially this has had a knock on effect as the budget didn't include smoking money. Also had a sort of mini melt-down over work this week. I'm literally dragging myself in there, and then feeling exhausted (and smoking and drinking and not having any sort of life outside work) from the effort of gritting my teeth for another day. I know it's a vicious circle - if I did something healthy to relax after work, I'd be less stressed and it wouldn't play such a big role, but it's finding the energy to do something to relax. It's easier to flop in front of the telly with a vodka :eek:

I don't think another job would be any different. I could be wrong, but I've really lost my confidence about trying. I'm 50 now, and I they just seem to want young ones with energy :rotfl: Apart from that, I sort of think that I'd just throw myself into a new job full pelt, and be burned out again after a couple of years. It's the rest of my life I want to concentrate on.

Now that I've got that rant off my chest, to the plan . Yesterday's plan was to go into work and ask to go part-time. Budget-wise the bills and food would be paid and little else, but at least there would be money coming in and I might, eventually, have enough energy to do something else on the other 2 days. (This is a step forward on Friday's plan which was to go into work tomorrow and tell them to stuff it :eek:). In the cold (sober) light of today, I think I really need to try to hang on until I've paid down some of this debt and got some money in the bank. There are some debts that I really, really want to pay off, but there's one that I can live with paying the monthly payment until it's gone (even if that is 5 years :eek:). The others I should be able to clear by the end of November next year (if I stick to original financial boot camp plan), and I'd like to try and bring that forward to the summer. Hopefully, the 'carrot' of part time work will keep me going for the next 7 or 8 months, and I'll be able to stick to it this time.

Sorry for the long post and the ranting. I really should get this out of my system more often - I feel 10 times better now. Off to do some stuff to bring the part time date forward.

Itsa

ps part time budget very definitely doesn't include any money for smoking, so there's another incentive to quit

itsa

Thought I ought to balance all that negativity with some positive vibes, so I'm going to use this post to note all the extra money and stuff that comes in in November (well starting today and going to next payday).

Money is coming to me easily and effortlessly

November

28 October

Rainbow_Bridge

Hi Itsa,

You've been missed. I had a Whopper Burger/Onion Rings/large fries and bottle of wine dilemma earlier on in the week that sounds very much like your thinking with regards to smoking.

Nothing on God's earth would have prevented me from eating that lot, and I bought the trashiest magazine I could find too, 'The National Enquirer', to read. I think I had been too good for too long :rotfl: (by my standards, that is, not by anybody elses).

Think of all the money that you saved in those 7 weeks that you stopped, that was not wasted effort. You've got the splurge out of your system, NOW GET BACK ON THAT WAGON :T, or work out a new strategy xx.

What would your work say if you got signed off for a couple of month's with stress? It sounds to me like your body and mind need a complete rest, at the end of which you'd be able to make a decision with a clearer head.

Keep posting, it really does help, throwing the whole thing on paper!

itsa

Rainbow_Bridge wrote: »

Hi Itsa,

What would your work say if you got signed off for a couple of month's with stress? It sounds to me like your body and mind need a complete rest, at the end of which you'd be able to make a decision with a clearer head.

This is so true. I've been here before, a couple of times, and when I was younger too so couldn't really use the fact that I had no energy. In fact, thinking about it, it seems a bit of a pattern - get too serious about work, exhaust myself, walk out because I'm crying at the thought of going in (pretty much the stage I'm at now), have some time off, feel better, wonder what the hell I was making all the fuss about. I swore I was never going to get in that situation again, but here I am.

I don't want to be signed off - it got to that stage in a previous job (before I left) and they looked at me like I was an alien. I don't think I have as many choices now, I can't keep walking out on jobs, or I should know better than to let myself get to this point, so I'd like to try and sort it out without going off sick. It's funny though, if it was anyone else I would be telling them to have some time off, that work's not worth your health, and I wouldn't think any less of them if they did.

I'll pop into your diary for a catch-up later; promise I won't tell about the burger incident if you haven't fessed up

itsa

Decided that giving myself a list of things to do is sending me down the wrong path mentally at the moment, so in a positive response I'm going to list the things I've done instead. Maybe I'll read it and give myself a break:)

Positive things I've done today:

Ironed my work clothes (last week I didn't, thought I'd do it in the week, didn't do it in the week and ended up wearing the same, put to one side to wear around the house, trousers all week).

Am cooking something healthy to eat for lunch.

Transmitted to shOp & [EMAIL="sc@n"]sc@n[/EMAIL] (usually forget and do on Monday morning).

Rainbow_Bridge

You can see the warning signs, so you've got to do something about them.

That's is why I post so religiously on my diary, because stress is very dangerous to my health and I have to monitor myself very closely to make sure I don't make the same mistakes that I made before.

I did end up getting signed of for two months, and I didn't need to ask!!

You can turn this around xx.