RANT ALERT, please tell me I'm not mean!

screamer

My sister, chief bridesmaid, messaged me at the weekend wanting to change travel plans. I'd organised taxis and a Rolls Royce for her but now she has actually told me that on the day of the wedding she's going to be too busy dressing her boys (fiance 32, children 7 and 12) to help me so she's coming down to my house for her free hair do then she's leaving. I'd only arranged the free stuff for her because she keeps telling me she's broke (the recently redecorated house, weekends away with friends and pictures of days out at spas make me think otherwise but there you go!) but apparently I totally did the wrong thing and I'm selfish for expecting her help me get ready, despite the fact that she is chief bridesmaid but she's not selfish for taking the title of chief bridesmaid, getting a free dress and hair do then leaving me to get on with it on my own. She's told me, and I quote, "its ur wedding 4 u to sort not me!" I don't know what started her anger towards me but she went absolutely nuts, accusing me of saying and doing all kind of things and apparently it's because I'm selfish. The thing is, apart from help getting dressed in the morning, I haven't asked her to do or pay for anything but still keep getting angry and abusive messages.

I bought her a dress and she said she liked it. Now with 2 months to go she's decided it's not good enough. I told her I wasn't buying her shoes from day 1 because she can use them again and now she's mad at me because apparently I don't like the shoes she's chosen. I have the words I wrote, I said "They are cute but they're not what I expected, I thought you'd have chosen something fancier!" She thought I meant that I didn't like them because they weren't fancy enough but what I meant was "I think they are cute, but I thought you'd have chosen something a bit fancier!" I SAID exactly what I meant, I thought SHE would have chosen something more blingy because she likes blingy, what she has chosen are some plain, simple silver court shoes, and THEY ARE CUTE!!!!! I'll write it here for all to see, the shoes are cute and I like them, end of story.

A few weeks she told me her friend had a tiara that she could borrow and that she'd send me a picture. A picture never came so I asked her about the tiara and she went absolutely mental at me. She started screaming about me expecting her to provide her own things like shoes, tiara, jewellery, shrug etc but in fact I haven't asked her to provide any of those things. I have a ton of messages that say "I'll buy the tiaras because I want all 3 bridesmaids to match!" I said I'd pay for her hair but she's not happy about that because she can't go for a trial and she wants a bridal style and I've told her she can't go full bridal style because I'm having that, seeing as though I'm the bride. She is having one tantrum after another and she really doesn't like that for the first time in my life I am standing up for myself. She is a year younger than me but I've always been withdrawn and wary of her, she did some awful things to me and my baby brother when we were younger and only got more vindictive as she got older, I'd rather not be actual friends with people like that.

I've given her an ultimatum. I've told her she is either a bridesmaid or she isn't. I've told her it isn't just a title it's a responsibility and if she doesn't want that, or is too busy, then to step aside and let someone who would be honoured to have the job have it. Both of my other bridesmaids are spending more time and trouble with me than her and that's awesome considering one is a working mum of 4 kids based in Germany with her serving soldier husband and the other is flying in from Australia. Both are going to a heck of a lot of trouble to help me, why is it too much to ask of my sister? She really doesn't like that I'm laying down the law and to be honest it's not really my style either, am really easy going, but this is OUR big day and I most definately am not going to be shouted at for having my own wedding just as I like it!

Am I mean and selfish and a proper bridezilla or do you truly believe that I am close to breaking point with her and her selfish behaviour and that I have to sort everything now to avoid any mess on the day. In all honesty, we haven't been friends for a long time but our folks are old now and my dad recently faced his own mortality and has decided that his daughters should get on. I think the decision should be my own but I adore my dad and will do absolutely anything to make him happy no matter how much pain it causes me. I can't be selfish no matter how hard I try, it just isn't my style :-(

I just need a bit of reassurance. It isn't easy doing all this planning alone. My fiance helps when he can but the poor bloke really does have enough to worry about right now. He is supportive and that's all that matters. He does think I should go to the doctors for some sedatives though because I'm an absolute mess. I've stopped eating, am having no more than 5 hours of sleep a night, I get rid of one spot and a bigger one appears and I've been nauseous for the past 3 weeks. I had a seizure a couple of weeks ago while cooking tea and now I won't go near the cooker. It has taken me nearly 2 days to write this post because I really need to write things down and get things off my chest but I just keep breaking down or my brain stops working. I need help now more than ever and the one person I thought I could count on has made it perfectly clear that helping me is the last thing she wants to do.

I wish my brother wasn't dead, he'd be helping me :-(

stir_crazy

Aww screamer, I feel so sorry for you! First off - breathe, calm down - because speaking further to your sister while you're this upset might make things worse for both of you.

I think you've done the right thing by laying down the law with her. I'm surprised it took you till just a couple of months before the wedding, she sounds a complete nightmare. Its good that you're trying to get on with her for the sake of your dad, but it seems as though she thinks herself a bit of a diva. It says a lot that your friends who aren't even in the same country as you have helped you more. I hope she heeds the ultimatum and doesnt cause a carry on on the day itself and things get better for you and you get better soon.

ladypike

Poor you screamer, from what you have said its not as though you always got along and now this is all out of the blue, you're sister has always been and is still a nightmare. You have done the right thing by giving her an ultimatum. Its your day and if she cant be happy for you and help you out then she doesnt deserve to have the bridesmaid title. Stick to your guns, I realise its not great for parents to see their daughters not getting along but if you dont gel then theres no point in pushing for it especially on the biggest day of your life. Hope it all works out for you x

heartbreak_star

I'd have smacked her one by now...or just nixed her bridesmaid position. It's an honour, not an assumed familial position.

HBS x

mummyroysof3

if the situation is causing you this much stress its not worth it

wanchai_2

'Sack' her if it will make you feel better. You do not need this kind of stress atm. Big hugs xxx

Mupette

I'd say dump her, that's not a sister

who's wedding is this... ITS YOURS

the lack of money, she is just after a free ride,

if that was me, I'd take the dress back, tell her not to bother coming to the wedding, if she kicks off about money she might of spent, mention the spa days and all the money she seems to have for everything else.

Don't take crap from her, don't respond to her texts or calls for a few days and see if she stops the temper tantrums, and if all fails remind her 2 year olds do better temper tantrums than she does

wifeforlife

Firstly chill yourself, YOU don't need any further stress than what is acceptable in the run up to your wedding.

Tell her she's out, you asked her to be your chief bridesmaid, you didn't force it upon her. Explain you needed calm, friendly helpful people around you in the next few weeks and on the day, which you where aware of before asking however she has clearly shown she doesn't want to do this. As such for your own sanity you are rescinding the invitation to be chief bridesmaid.

I understand it's hard as its your sister, but this is the one time in your life, you have to put yourself first. If she loves you she'll rein her neck in and behave appropriately.

I just don't get it, why when someone is asked something so important, they go all mental, I've asked my cousin and my brothers x girlfriend lol lol sounds crazy but they're still best mates, but the girls are excellent. Even with 9 months to go they can't do enough

Goodluck with whatever you do x

BugglyB

I think you could calmly say that she clearly has a lot on her plate getting the little ones ready so why doesnt she do that, and you get ready on your own. You could always have her walk down the aisle between you and your other bms, on her own, if it means that much to your dad.

Idiophreak

screamer wrote: »

I bought her a dress and she said she liked it. Now with 2 months to go she's decided it's not good enough. I told her I wasn't buying her shoes from day 1 because she can use them again and now she's mad at me because apparently I don't like the shoes she's chosen. I have the words I wrote, I said "They are cute but they're not what I expected, I thought you'd have chosen something fancier!" She thought I meant that I didn't like them because they weren't fancy enough but what I meant was "I think they are cute, but I thought you'd have chosen something a bit fancier!" I SAID exactly what I meant, I thought SHE would have chosen something more blingy because she likes blingy, what she has chosen are some plain, simple silver court shoes, and THEY ARE CUTE!!!!! I'll write it here for all to see, the shoes are cute and I like them, end of story.

Sorry to say it, but I can see why she was a bit miffed. You used the word "but"...which is just never a good thing.

What you've written reads as "Whilst I I think they're cute, I thought you'd have chosen something fancier" - which sounds like a criticism and I just don't think is what you meant.

What you should have said was "Wow! Those are really cute!" and left it at that.

You have my total sympathy with the rest of her nonsense, though

RainbowDrops

Re her not getting read with you, my sister, who was MOH, and also has 2 kids, didn't get ready with me.
I invited her to come & get her hair done with me & my Mum, but she couldn't make it. And I totally understood, having kids is a full time job. And on the day I was so busy getting myself ready that I felt a bit bad for the other 2 BMs who were just sat watching me run around like a headless chicken.

Plans & reality often don't match up.