can't pay off a debt, affecting relationship

Uniscots97

This sounds like me 10 years ago with my then partner. Thanks to him I got into debt. Basically whatever was mine was his and whatever was his was his. Sorry but this guy sounds exactly the same. You do deserve better. My situation started off like yours everything was rosey, then it was a little money here and there, then the name calling (similarly over a car), then him taking money out of my purse, then (and I'll never forget this, this is the first time I've ever actually written it down) he grabbed my arm so tight and the stare and words I'll never forget and then he beat me up but so the bruises wouldn't show.

Can't believe I've just written that....I'm shaking...even though it happened a long time ago I know I had a lucky escape. As for your situation everyone here is right he does sound like a bully and although it might not escalate into physical bullying I don't think I'd give him the chance. We all lose our temper and say things we don't mean but I get the feeling the name calling hasn't been a 'one off' has it?
You sound like a lovely genuine person, listen to the people on here. Give yourself a break from him for a few days and go to your Dads. You'll be able to think a bit more clearly away from the situation. If your OH rants/raves and calls you names again for going to your Dad's for a break then you have your answer as to what he really is........a bully. I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh but I'd never want to see someone go through what I did.

Skint_Catt

I was going to mention physical abuse but didn't want to scare the OP!

(((HUGS))) to you unixgirl and well done for getting out of there.

Catt xx

rsykes2000

Ask him if your relationship is worth less than a dent in the car. As with his behaviour in pushing you, it seems it may well be.

Yargo1

Hi, ive been in similar situation years ago, and I feel everyones comments so far are spot on. Dont lend him anymore money, its good egg refused you. give him the option of the one hard month and that s it. Also consider where this is going....its not easy but he does sound horrid.

Uniscots97

Skint_Catt wrote:

I was going to mention physical abuse but didn't want to scare the OP!

(((HUGS))) to you unixgirl and well done for getting out of there.

Catt xx

Thanks, still shaking. I don't want to scare her either but no one should have to go through any sort of abuse, physical, mental or verbal. It doesn't sound like a one off. The OP has the sensible solution of paying it off quickly, so why doesn't her OH want to do that? Hopefully she'll take advice on here and at least go to her Dad's for a few days to think.

misspoppy

Hi

have a think how would you feel telling you Dad about his behaviour if you wouldn't be comfortable then its not a great position to be in and you need to make decisions based on what you want not what he shouts about.

A few days with your Dad sounds like a good idea.

angeldeelite

thanks for all your support, i'm sorry to hear about your story unixgirl.

i'm confident it wont come to that but i still think it is bullying. Luckily i can speak to my dad quite well so i do have somebody to talk to and hopefully he can help out.

but it does all seem doomed, if we can't agree on this now then committing to each other down the line jsut doesnt seem right.

i'm promising myself not to shout at him tonight as that just gives him the bait he needs, so i'm going to be calm and reasonable. he can show his true colours if he wants

x

spendthrift66

Hello angeldeelite - I also had a situation like yours years ago - which ended with me being thousands and thousands in debt (starting from what's his was his and what was mine was his also). It also ended in two black eyes and a hasty retreat with small child from home to people's living rooms/spare rooms. Again, not wanting to scare you - your phrase 'I'm confident it won't come to that but I still think it's bullying' scares me - because a bully is a bully whether physical, mental or any other wise. Also, you say you shouting 'gives him the bait he needs'. That chills me ... you must not get further into debt for him - and in my opinion a spell at your dad's is a priority until he sorts out his money and anger issues. Good luck and please keep us posted ... but DO NOT get any more credit for him x

richardvc

What a selfish idiot !

You lend him the money to get his car fixed because he can't raise it and he calls you an idiot !!

Sorry but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him ?

Move back to your dad's and start the rest of your life.

LookingAhead

Hi angel.

I hope tonight goes well (or if you are reading this later...I hope it went well!)

Obviously you know your partner and we don't.

However he does sound very ungrateful for what you have done already and I wonder if him kicking off like this (especially if he has not been like this before) is him being defensive for other money stuff that he is frustrated about or secretive about? Just a thought. It may not be that at all and that he is just being *that* ungrateful and downright rude to you about it.

If you have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that this could all end in tears and if you have somewhere to go, then I would say just go. As you said it would give him something to think about...and also you.

You need to evaluate what you want from life and your partner in life. I'm assuming respect & financial security might come in there somewhere.

Please please please don't borrow any more or take out a credit card in his name. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone let alone someone who's relationship has hit a rocky patch. PLEASE don't.

Good luck with getting it sorted out though - and remember, sometimes people resort to name calling and putting you down simply to make themselves feel better and make you cave in.

Be strong and ignore his temper tantrums. If you give in once, you can start counting off till the next time.

Good luck hon.

x LA x