Boyfriend's flatmate not paying rent/bills, beyond silly with money.

lillit

Hi everyone! New to the forum so I apologise if I'm doing anything incorrectly. I just wondered if I could get some advice about this situation.

Basically, my boyfriend is in a bit of trouble and left to stagnate I'm estimating it will get a lot worse. His flatmate is slowly but surely paying less and less of her share of the costs. I knew she was having trouble paying at first but only now do I know the extent of what she owes am I starting to get seriously worried for him.

Situation so far:

- L, BF's flatmate and a good friend of ours, got kicked out of her mum's house. BF offered to flat share. Her mum asked her to come back, instead she couch surfed until BF secured a flat. At this point I advised L several times to go back to her mum's and advised BF not to find someone else as she is very young and will probably not be able to afford the rent on her wage.

- BF finds flat, pays deposit in full. L could not afford this, but as he will get (half?) the deposit back he does not mind if he doesn't get this.

- First paying month, L pays all of the rent and bills but does not pay the TV license, ~£70 or so.

- Second month L pays rent, but not council tax and only half the utilities. Owed ~£200 now.

- This month. L gets paid bi-weekly, spends first payslip of the month entirely on Christmas presents. Has no money for food or travel until 22nd of December, next payday. L should get paid ~£300, owes ~£600 total.

Other things to note:

- BF's father is the guarantor.

- L pays ~£400 per month in bills. She's paid ~£300 bi-weekly. The only calculation I remember accurately is that she has on average £54 per week after bills.

- L is 18. She was working part-time and was not paying housekeeping at home afaik. She could spend all the money she earnt on whatever she liked. L is now in full-time employment and is not in education. She works ~35 hours p/w minimum wage.

- L has not been claiming any benefits. I advised her to do this at the start but she did not of her own accord. I have looked into it myself and have sent off for forms about housing benefit and council tax benefit which she is possibly entitled to.

- L's furniture and furnishings were paid for by her boyfriend, as well as a lot of groceries for her to start with.

- L does not buy any household products, including: toothpaste; washing up liquid; toilet paper; bleach etc. Also, L does hardly any cleaning and is quite untidy. This is a problem but is not as big as the one facing BF now.

- L has fish which she does not take care of. The fish had babies and the tank is overcrowded. As a result the tank is green and dirty and has started to smell. BF does not know what to do about it as it is not his property.

- L does not buy proper food. I have only seen her buy fast food and snacks. Any proper food she eats was bought by BF or myself.

- BF suffers from anxiety and I'm scared this might affect his final year in University.

At the moment, L has literally no money. I have been occasionally buying her food /bus fare but when BF told me today how much she owes a lot of the sympathy drained from me. The main problem is that she seems to have no concept of budgeting or any acknowledgement of how serious this is.

L told BF that she was going to give her entire payslip to him in order to get rid of most of the debt, which BF did not agree to as it would leave her with no money. However, what I proposed to BF today was that she does do this. If she runs out of food then I can sub her a little while longer which will hopefully control her spending. I say this because she seems to very easily forget the situation she is in; she has already decided to spend some of the upcoming payslip on some video games for her boyfriend for Christmas, ~£90 total.

Sorry for the long rant; I really needed to get this off my chest! What I am really asking about is how best to advise her in this situation to minimise the financial damage to BF and to stop her getting into real debt. How do I go about advising her on budgeting and not spending well beyond her means? Two days after the payday in January there is a big birthday party and I have a sinking feeling that she will 'treat herself' with that money. She's also been talking about getting her hair dyed at a salon next month and some ridiculous talk about getting a husky. I do love her to bits but it's very, very frustrating!

wannabee_in_credit

Hi
I'm sure someone a lot wiser than me will be along to advise you but I will give you my feelings about the situation. I apologise if it sounds harsh but I can't put my expression into the text I'm writing.
As long as you and your bf help this girl out then she has absolutely no motivation to change her ways. If I could go out and spend what I wanted, and if I got into trouble someone would help me out then that would be brilliant... The trouble is, until she realises herself and wants to do something about it then nothing really will change. Not good for you and bf. But I think it's time for some tough love - you say she's only 18, but if she's made the decision to leave home and stand on her own 2 feet then she needs to learn how to do that, and it's a steep learning curve for her unfortunately.
If she doesn't pay then she doesn't get. I would get rid of her fish if she's not looking after them (give her a warning then if she does nothing get rid). If she isn't paying rent and bills then she needs to find herself another place to live. It's not that she isn't paying because she's in trouble financially - she's finding other things to spend her money on. If her mum wants her home then that's probably the best place for her tbh. If she doesn't buy the food, then she doesn't eat.
I know it sounds hard, I know, but as long as she doesn't have to worry about the basics like food and a roof over her head then she'll continue in the way that she's going.
I really hope this sounds helpful when I read it back rather than rude and patronising.

Hiddenidenity

Unfortunatly no matter what you say to her, she won't listen/change until she realises it too.

I know shes your friend and you clearly care for her but if it was me and I couldnt afford to pay both mine and her share of the rent bills etc (without struggling) Id tell her she needed to find somewhere else to live and get someone to flat share that will pay. Friends and money dont mix well ever, no matter if its loaning them money to needing them to pay there own share of the bills.

Sorry I hope someone comes along with better ideas xx

BlushingRose

wannabee_in_credit wrote: »

Hi

If her mum wants her home then that's probably the best place for her tbh.

Yep, I agree 100%

She's not mature enough to be living on her own, it seems.
Send her back home and instead YOU move in with your man

freebyfifty

Hi,
It's easy for us to sit here and type and tell you what to do and what not to do but when you are actually living it, it is a different matter altogether!

I think that wannabee and hidden are right in what they say and that if you keep bailing her out then she'll never learn or eventually learn the hard way (like me )

Can you get her wages off her every time and pay your bf what is owed and then give her what is left for her to manage?
After living with her parents she must be enjoying her freedom but has to realise that the big wide world is not such a friendly place

I think you should get rid of the fish - the poor things, maybe a pet shop or somewhere would have them and your bf doesn't need the pressure of watching them die through her neglect.
If she wants to eat fast food with what is left of her money, then let her!!! Why are you feeding her if she's not contributing to the food budget?? As for toothpaste etc, I'd hide them but that's just me being a miser

18 is very young and I can understand why you are taking care of her. My DD is 17 and I would hate to think how she would manage out there on her own - she wouldn't have a clue!!!!

I really hope I haven't come across as patronising and judgemental - I really didn't mean to.

Hiddenidenity

Although 18 is very young Im sure she's not daft to know that what she is paying you doesnt cover the bills, she just knows becuase you both care for her it will be paid anyway if you know what I mean. Maybe a kick up the behind will make her realise yes you are really good friends and she should treasure that.

I moved out of my family home at 15 and wasn't lucky enough to have friends like you, I managed well till I met the ex and got in debt :rotfl:but thats a different story lol

BlushingRose

freebyfifty wrote: »

Hi,

18 is very young and I can understand why you are taking care of her. My DD is 17 and I would hate to think how she would manage out there on her own - she wouldn't have a clue!!!!

It is, and yet thousands of 18 year olds leave home, go to uni and cope brilliantly living alone or sharing a house.
It's young, but not *too* young.

FireWyrm

She's 18? Dear god. I was running a house at 14, she's clearly never had to do anything for herself in her life and this has left her woefully unprepared for life in the real world. There is only one option, and that's to stop helping her. You dont owe her and frankly, hunger is a wonderful motivator to get off your backside and actually start making life work. If you continue to help her, she will never learn and that's the truth. Perhaps you could gently steer her in the right direction, perhaps a word to her mother about how she's beginning to put upon you and then that is the end of your obligation. She's an adult for heavens sake, stop treating her like a coddled child. She's in the real world now and you're not doing her any favours going forward. I know it sounds hard hearted, but this is life. Everyone else in the world has to just get on with it and most of us on here are no stranger to having to do without, it's time you introduced her to the 'facts of life'.

duchy

Take the entire payment -and stop enabling her behaviour.
Once she's up to date the next time she's late tell her she has to get up to date within two weeks or she will need to find somewhere else to live as BF can't afford her.
She'll either shape up or go home to Mum -either way you'll be doing her a favour . She wants to live like an adult then she has to act like one.
Tough love time !

danaharrison

OP its quite obvious that both you and ur BF care for this girl and want to help her, but by constantly bailing her out you are just reaffirming her irrisponible spending. i think it would be best for all if she moved back home, as it has been offered untill she has leart to be responsible for money and her own care.

after the death of my dad at 11 i took over the day to day running of my home as my mum fell apart for a few years, in many respects it set me up well for moving out at 17 as i had experiance of cooking, cleaning and budgeting from an early age. not everyone develops at the same age but at 18 she needs to start to learn there are consequences to our actions and if bills dont get paid then u get in trouble.

im sorry if this sounds harsh but the world is a harsh place, and u need to put u and ur boyfriend first x

the_cat

Sounds to me like she knows exactly what she is doing and taking the proverbial.