wedding 'rules'?

charfield_2

hello, just need some thoughts on this please.

My fianc! and I are planning to get married in December 2012. Due to my job, the date we going for is 22nd. We have possibly found a lovely place to do the lot- ceremony, wedding breakfast and evening reception. The location is Grantham which is where my fianc! comes from and his family live. I come from Cambridgeshire, which would mean my family would need to travel and probably stay overnight in Grantham.

My parents keep saying that really the wedding should take place around where the bride lives not the groom. However, I have looked into this and there is not a great deal of choice which would not involve some amount of travelling or doesn't cost the earth. I know my parents are thinking mostly of my elderly grandparents- particularly my grandfather who doesn't like to travel and has become less and less happy about being out of his 'comfort zone' (i.e more than 10 miles away from where he lives). He has deteriorated mentally somewhat- he forgets things and gets easily agitated and anguished. Even when visiting my brother, who lives fairly locally, he wants to leave early. (Saying this, though, he did travel to Scotland with my aunt for my brother's wedding 2 years ago, where of course he stayed overnight.)

However, we are happy to arrange accommodation (the possible wedding venue is a lovely hotel) for my grandparents, but my parents say that if I get married closer to where I live, people have the option to go home afterwards if they want to. Yes, this is true for my side of the family, but not so for my fianc!'s. As for getting there and then back the next day, this would not be a problem- my grandfather can go with his daughter or son (my dad) in one of their cars.

If we were to get married in Grantham, at least one side of the family have their own homes to stay in and there are plenty of options accommodation-wise for mine.

However, we simply like the venue- it is within our budget and just happens to be in my fianc!'s home town (there is virtually nothing in mine and apart from the village hall where my grandad lives anywhere else would involve a journey. Oh and I really don't like the village hall). Am I being selfish? Should I be getting married closer to home for the sake of my grandfather?

People keep saying to me 'it's your day. Do what you want to do'. But it seems not to be as simple as that (with family it never is!)

thanks for your anticipated advice.......

purple.sarah

You don't have to get married in Cambridgeshire just because that's where your family is. It is your wedding so you should consider what works for you. We're having our wedding in the town we live in and wouldn't have wanted the stress of setting it up somewhere else, even though unfortunately some of my FH's family can't make it down from Scotland. However prepare yourself for the idea that your grandfather might be unable or unwilling to attend. If that doesn't work for you then you could consider having it closer to him.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

could you maybe stretch to two overnight stays for your grandparents, the day before the wedding, and wedding night, then it's not all a rush in the one day?

floss2

Can I just point out that a lot can happen to an elderly person in 3 years - your grandfather may have been very on the ball at your brother's wedding, but that does not mean that he will be for yours.

Personally, I think you need to consider booking 2 nights hotel accomodation for all your parents and grandparents, then they are not rushed, they have chance to meet everyone in the wedding party, and your elderly guests can settle down after a journey.

Also, can I ask who is paying for the wedding, as their wishes should be taken into account. For example, if it's your parents, you need to consider their thoughts and so on for any other funders.

Nyankochan_2

Tricky one. We are lucky in that most of family and friends are based in the Midlands, but my fiance's grandma (who lives in Lincolnshire) won't come as she doesn't want to stay away from hone overnight. We even looked into booking a driver to take her to the wedding and home again all on the same day, but she refused this too, as she doesn't trust anyone she doesn't know to make the journey. It sounds like she is being awkward, but it's the same issue as with your grandad - unwillingness to move out of the comfort zone. But you are definitely not being selfish. The poster who said a lot can change with elderly folks within a few years is right - it's possible that even if you changed your wedding venue to be local, in another 13 months' time your grandad might not even be able to manage that. Then you'd end up in a venue you don't particularly like, for no real reason. But ultimately it depends on how much you want your grandad there, and you know that better than any of us! Could you compromise and find a venue equidistant between where your family and your fiance's family are based, maybe?

fawny

Hi,

It's a difficult one & I understand the problem. I'm from West Yorkshire & all my family are still there, however I now live in Staffordshire & have done for the last 7 years. I have friends dotted all over the country. OH family all live within 5 miles of us as do most of his friends. When OH proposed to me we got all the info for local venues & I said what about places in Yorkshire so we looked at them too. In this situation same as yours one set of families are going to have to travel it's so difficult. In the end we decided that we wanted to get married abroad so now everyones got to travel:)

It's a tricky situation, OH parents are a lot older than mine & hinted that if we had booked somewhere in Yorkshire they would hnot have come as they don't like to travel too far, but said we should do what we want. For that reason they are not coming abroad but are happy for us.

Things could change a lot between now & your wedding your grandad might not even be able to make it(sorry but it;s true) So I think you should go where you want & as others have said maybe look at 2 nights for your family who are travelling.

sharpee

The Old fashion tradition was to get married where the bride is from.

However these days there are no set rules and it is what the Bride and Groom want. Although depending on who is paying for the Wedding. So if your parents were paying for the Wedding they should have some say in the matter.

I'm from the North east, but live where my partner is from in Portsmouth. But I wanted to get married in the North-east where I am from and as my parents are paying my H2B was happy with this decision.

Its all up to what you and your H2B want.

But I need to say that you need to expect that there is a possibility some people will not want to travel so may not come to your wedding.

charfield_2

Thanks for all your replies. To answer a question- it is me and my fiance who are paying for the wedding. It takes about an hour and a quarter to get to Grantham from where we live and from Peterborough it's about half an hour on the A1. The nearest viable place for a venue is really Ely (about 40 mins away), Peterborough (about 30-40 mins depending where abouts in P'boro you go) and Cambridge (at least an hour), so I'm thinking is Grantham really all that far? Thanks for the idea of booking 2 nights instead of 1- that could really make a lot of sense.

I understand what you mean about my grandad but I'd really love for him to be there- and he'll definitely feel the same. He'll have his family around him, so he could be ok with it all. Perhaps it would be an idea to actually ask him before I go ahead and book anything?

Once again thanks- I'm really touched by the amount of thoughtful replies.

MaggieBaking

Theoretically the bride gets married in her parish.

However nowadays people get married wherever suits them best - by the sounds of it you've found the right place. Your mother will make her opinion clear whilst she believes her opinion is of some importance in your choice. If you're dead set on it, just let her know you're going to book it and she will go quiet with her objections I'm sure.

When you look into wedding cars, why don't you see if you can hire a nice vintage car to take your granddad to the venue, and take all the stress out of it for him? You could buy him a taxi home - might work out equal to accommodation.

lollyb84

I'm from the North West and my partner the South East, and we got married in the SE as that's where we live. We had elderly relatives travel down, and to make things easier, we invited them to stay with us for a few days before, so they had time to recover from the travel -not sure if it's feasible for you? One of my friends (male) lives in the SE with his FW (where she is from), but they are getting married in the North East where he is from, because that works best for them. You really need to consider what is best for everyone, and accept that what you choose may not be feasible for some people, and so they may not travel.

jemb

You get married where you want to. Whatever happens there is always going to be someone that doesnt feel entirely happy. I'm with another poster, can you sort yourt grandparents out for a couple of nights?