I'm new - please help...

podperson

I think if you're doing a joint soa for you and your partner then it might help to include his outgoing - ie maintenance and the debts he is paying to. To be honest though it sounds like you are feeling very grateful to him for paying your mortgage payments so don't want to ask him for anything else - do you think he would be living rent free if he wasn't with you?? You're paying all the other bills, which add up to much more, plus food for both of you and his phone contract from your lower wage. I think perhaps a fairer way to work it out might be add up all the household bills and then ask him for half. If he wants to do the renovations and go camping he needs to budget more to be able to afford this out of what he has left. I would be asking for extra straight away as well not in September - what happens when you've tried to stall your debtors for 3 months and then he turns round and says, 'oh I want to go on another holiday/buy a tv/start saving for xmas - you get the idea, and since you've already 'put them off' you can do it again'

centralpark

well put like that i suppose so....I will draw up a list!

kate_pixie

Hey Central,

It sucks to hear it doesn't it, that you can't afford to do the things you've planned. The camping and renovations are clearly important to your OH (and he's important to you), but it seems like he perhaps hasn't had as much of a lightbulb moment as you. I used to be like him, "I'll start repaying my debts when this festival or that concert is over" etc. Before you know it you wake up 2 years later with a hell of a lot more than you accounted for.

I do hope you don't think everyone on here is just saying "you can't afford it - deal with it". We do know how horrible it feels. But think on this....if you put off the creditors for a month or two, how much more will you owe them when you come back to it? Add this to the cost of your camping ticket and it won't seem like such a bargain.

Best of luck to you honey xxxx

centralpark

thanks - ive just finished speaking to some of my creditors - stress levels have sky rocketed! in fairness they were all really nice but the amount i need to find to make up for 1 or 2 missed payments is more than ive got, more than we've got i suspect. plus ive just sat and worked out the interest rates on the credit cards i owe on - no wonder they are so high still - i bet id be lucky if im even clearing 1% of my balance with minimum payments!!

tigermoon

centralpark wrote: »

thanks - ive just finished speaking to some of my creditors - stress levels have sky rocketed! in fairness they were all really nice but the amount i need to find to make up for 1 or 2 missed payments is more than ive got, more than we've got i suspect. plus ive just sat and worked out the interest rates on the credit cards i owe on - no wonder they are so high still - i bet id be lucky if im even clearing 1% of my balance with minimum payments!!

Perhaps something else to show OH when telling him you can't go camping or finish the house?

coyocacan

Hi Central - my advice echoes much of the above. As painful as it is you must seriously consider cancelling the holiday and all other non critical spending. Its really about trying to get ahead of the debt, and fighting its onward march. I get a strong sense from your posts that its starting to overwhelm. You must create some space around you.

Its not for me to comment on your personal arrangements, but I do worry for you with regards the attitude of your OH. If he respects you he will understand everything you say about money. If he continues to dismiss the concerns as unnecessary, I'd be more worried for what the future holds. I know we all have slightly different approaches to finance, but to have such a wide difference needs addressing.

Very best of luck, and keep us posted on progress.

robsmum_2

centralpark wrote: »

thanks robs mum.. i dont pay any parking anywhere so I havent put a figure in. I keep a food diary (for weight loss) and find it really helpful to know what youre putting in your mouth so i can see how t works with spending, although i tend not to spend on anything other than asda shop because i dont have any spare money. im wondering if i should just have left OH money out of my SoA now other than as a mortgage contribution. No one seems to be picking up on the fact that if possible I would rather be have a plan A that applies to my income and keep using OH money as a plan B - ive just been through a divorce - im just trying to watch my back..

Central: Good morning. I've had a think about this and I understand what you are saying. I am concerned for you as you have come out of a divorce and are very vunerable at the moment.
You need to break this down into manageable sections.
For your Plan A to work - just using your income, you have to share your living costs more evenly.
I would suggest you write down firstly all your priority expenditure: Council Tax, Electricity, Water, Food, Travel etc. Ignore the debts at this point. Work out exactly how much it costs you just to cover the essentials a month. Now compare this amount with what your OH is paying for the mortgage. How much is the diffence?
I think you will be quite shocked at how much more you are paying.
Having worked that out you now have to make a decison- can you realisitcally maintain these payments alone or has OH got to contibute more?

I do understand, I was once in a smilar situation. Now, my OH pays 2/3rds of our expenses and I pay the remainder. He works full time and I work 12 hours. It was painful to discuss this but once we had and sorted it out it was better for both of us and our relationship has greatlly benefitted.

Hang in there, because we here are generally a good lot and can help you on this long and painful journey.

Reya

Hi Central,

A couple of figures you might want to show your OH to prod him into understanding how you're both sinking but how he can help a little more with the bailing-out.

Taken from your SoA:

He pays:
£472/month for the mortgage, out of his £1760 wages. Obviously he has other expenses, such as child maintenance, but his contribution to your living together, as listed here, is approximately 27% of his total monthly income.

You pay:
A total of £1172* for things that you jointly use (from utilities to the car - which I assume you both travel in at some point although the majority use is your own, as well as things like internet, TV and telephone - all of which I assume he also uses) out of your £1495 wages. Your contribution to your living together, as listed here, is approximately 79% of your total monthly income.

(*Included: gifts, as I assume you're buying from both of you; cost of both mobile phones, as I don't know if one or the other is higher.)

My suggestion to show to him is to add up the monthly cost of everything that you use together, take off the amount of his mortgage contribution and any monthly extra that you're paying for arrears incurred before you met him (so that he can't say the calculations aren't fair because he didn't contribute towards that) and then ask him for half of what's left over as his extra contribution to the monthly household expenses.

For example, if your monthly outgoings together are a theoretical £1000, but you're paying £50 of your own accrued arrears in that, it means your joint outgoings are actually £950. Take off his £472 mortgage contribution, and your joint outgoings are now £478. His half of that comes to £239: an amount which you're currently struggling to meet on your own while he's planning holidays.

A relationship should be about equality, and while "I'll pay this while you pay that" sounds fair in principle, quite often in cold, hard numbers it's not:

Him: contributing 27% of his monthly income
You: contributing 79% of your monthly income

My advice is given from a sympathetic heart. My ex was the same. After he walked out, I was left dealing with his creditors for months as he ran away from debt he'd accrued. I could see from the joint account (during the eight months that it took the bank to close it) that he was paying for flights abroad while I had bailiffs knocking on my door to attempt collection for his debts.

Your OH needs to come around. Maybe showing him those numbers might help? You could also find up some past grocery receipts and calculate how much you're spending per year on his six-bags-a-day crisp habit, which would be more than enough to pay for a holiday, I suspect!

Best of luck, and keep us posted

atush

Thanks for all your advice - I can't sell my horse as he has a litany of problems - luckily because i would rather sell a kidney 1st - but as i said i literally pay nothing for him other than insurance, he doesnt wear shoes and my boss covers everything else.

Then give him away to a very good home (your boss maybe?). You don't NEED him, you WANT him. Ask for visiting rights to whoever you give him to. This is an example of what you other half is doing. He would probably say 'I'd sell a kidney before I give up playing fruit machines, drinking with my mates down the pub, and camping'. But he is wrong too.

I am not saying this to be mean but you CANNOT afford the 100 a month your horse costs you.

And the fact that you are paying so much more of your income to run your joint household is truly alarming.

Sit him down, show him your SOA, and what the creditors said. Beg him to see the light.

I truly wish you the best but fear you are not seeing 'the light' yet or at least not all of it. Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

centralpark

thank you everyone - my best friend is coming round tomorrow to go through everything with me as far more stuff than i could fit on SoA. Once she and I have a had a good chat I can tackle OH again. thanks for all your help and will let you know how i go. atush - the 100 is not a figure im paying for my horse, it is general insurance and my horse is part of that -pet, horse, personal and public liability for my work etc