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I don't know what more to do - please help

fluffymovie
Posts: 1,417 Forumite

First off, please accept my apologies for the length of the post - the history is long and I thought it best to explain fully so that anyone may be able to advise.
The problem is my Dad who is 64 and lives 300 miles away.
My Dad is an only child and was spoilt by my gran to the point that he really doesn't know the value of money. When she died, he received a large inheritance but has got nothing left.
He is on Pension Credit Guarantee Credit and his car is leased through the motability scheme as he was caring for my disabled mum.
Issue 1 - he is no longer caring for her as she has gone into residential care but hasn't told motability.
He has phoned me today and asked to borrow £200 for an 'urgent bill' - when pressed, he has confirmed that he has had the bailiffs in his house asking him to £573 in respect of an unpaid parking fine. Initially he told me that it was only £200 and that he would repay me this money. He told me that the Bailiff has said that they will levy against the car as my mum doesn't live at the address, they can so I have checked and this is not accurate.
However, I spoke to the bailiff and she told me that my dad has had 4 visits, he says 2, and a court letter and that the fine is from June 2010. I have tried to make a payment arrangement with her as this is the first that I have heard of it and whilst I may be able to get the funds, it wouldn't be for a week or so, they want the money next Saturday. They have refused
I queried if they had said they would take the car and she said that she hadn't said this ( i am fairly sure she would have made some sort of threat) but anyway, she said that she would refer onto motability who would repossess the car due to breach of contract.
However I am thinking that if my Dad shouldn't have the car anyway, why pay this money when it will only be taken back by Motability anyway when they find out that he shouldn't have it?
If the car is repossessed by motability, would he still have this debt of £573 to pay? Would they agree to an arrangement, would repossessing the car mean that the debt was gone?
My dad also owes £7500 to a County COuncil in respect of my mum's care fees. He is paying me £13 per week and I pay £50 per 4 weeks onto them for that as well. I did this because I can't trust him to pay it and I wanted to keep my mum where she is settled.
Should / could my dad go bankrupt? What would happen to his mortgage? Would he lose his home?
I am so upset, been in tears 3 times, had a cigarette for the first time in about 3 years and just feel like I am going nowhere.
Please advise if you can and thank you for taking the time to read this!
The problem is my Dad who is 64 and lives 300 miles away.
My Dad is an only child and was spoilt by my gran to the point that he really doesn't know the value of money. When she died, he received a large inheritance but has got nothing left.
He is on Pension Credit Guarantee Credit and his car is leased through the motability scheme as he was caring for my disabled mum.
Issue 1 - he is no longer caring for her as she has gone into residential care but hasn't told motability.
He has phoned me today and asked to borrow £200 for an 'urgent bill' - when pressed, he has confirmed that he has had the bailiffs in his house asking him to £573 in respect of an unpaid parking fine. Initially he told me that it was only £200 and that he would repay me this money. He told me that the Bailiff has said that they will levy against the car as my mum doesn't live at the address, they can so I have checked and this is not accurate.
However, I spoke to the bailiff and she told me that my dad has had 4 visits, he says 2, and a court letter and that the fine is from June 2010. I have tried to make a payment arrangement with her as this is the first that I have heard of it and whilst I may be able to get the funds, it wouldn't be for a week or so, they want the money next Saturday. They have refused
I queried if they had said they would take the car and she said that she hadn't said this ( i am fairly sure she would have made some sort of threat) but anyway, she said that she would refer onto motability who would repossess the car due to breach of contract.
However I am thinking that if my Dad shouldn't have the car anyway, why pay this money when it will only be taken back by Motability anyway when they find out that he shouldn't have it?
If the car is repossessed by motability, would he still have this debt of £573 to pay? Would they agree to an arrangement, would repossessing the car mean that the debt was gone?
My dad also owes £7500 to a County COuncil in respect of my mum's care fees. He is paying me £13 per week and I pay £50 per 4 weeks onto them for that as well. I did this because I can't trust him to pay it and I wanted to keep my mum where she is settled.
Should / could my dad go bankrupt? What would happen to his mortgage? Would he lose his home?
I am so upset, been in tears 3 times, had a cigarette for the first time in about 3 years and just feel like I am going nowhere.
Please advise if you can and thank you for taking the time to read this!
I currently manage a Housing Benefit service and have been working in Housing / council tax benefit (as was) since 2001.
All views expressed in my posts are my own opinions and do not necessarily reflect those of my employer.
All views expressed in my posts are my own opinions and do not necessarily reflect those of my employer.
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Comments
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However, I spoke to the bailiff and she told me that my dad has had 4 visits, he says 2, and a court letter and that the fine is from June 2010. I have tried to make a payment arrangement with her as this is the first that I have heard of it and whilst I may be able to get the funds, it wouldn't be for a week or so, they want the money next Saturday. They have refused
To me, this is where the problem lies. Of course he is your dad and you love him but you can't pay off all his debts for him. You have to take away all the possibilities of extraneous stress, which includes paying his debt off for him.
It's not your debt. You need to cut yourself a break.
In so far as your mum, I think it's lovely that you are helping to pay for her residential care. When we enable the people we love, we end up shackling them to their fears. I think you should try and stop enabling your father.
Can he work? Does he have a job?
Consider talking to him about him taking on more financial responsibility?Credit Card paid back in Full (June 2011): :j £500 in the clear -
Part of the £11,000 in 2011 challenge: £3,284 done so far.0 -
I agree with the above poster -it's one thing to pay for the care home for your mum but unfortunately your dad needs to wake up and want help and to change and despite your best intentions it's probably not really helping him see he has a big problem.
I suggest that you get him to talk to one of the debt charities such as National Debtline, CCCS or his local CAB to go through his options.
Best of Luck
dfMaking my money go further with MSE :j
How much can I save in 2012 challenge
75/1200 :eek:0 -
Oh and yes depending on the equity in his home then he could potentially lose it in bankruptcy
- can you try and point out to him how stressful it must be with bailiffs at the door threatening this that and the other and the fact that he could loose his house but that you are willing to support him, help with the paperwork, help go through his options etc to help him sort himself out.
Best of luck
dfMaking my money go further with MSE :j
How much can I save in 2012 challenge
75/1200 :eek:0 -
Didn't want to run, first thing is your dads lucky to have you sorting everything out for him, not sure really want to suggest, but will try.
The mobility car - this could add some more complications as I'm guessing (sorry that sounds so obvious,) that your dad is still claiming the allowance. He needs to speak to mobility to get them to come and collect the car.
He needs to notify Disability section, as the money is going to mobility for the car, based on that he is driving your mum around, it would be unlikely that they would let him keep the car if mum is in resenditial care. Sorry to ask, but the mobility element of DLA goes for the car, but there is also care element of DLA, I don't know if your mum is getting that direct or whether it is going to your dad.
Also (sorry, its more what ifs) was he getting carers allowance for looking after mum.
As these are benefit etc - then they may want any repayments back.
Parking fine - the baliffs won't be able to reposss the car as its a mobility car, he is still liable for the parking ticket, I'm not much help as to which way it goes, they may refer it back to the court, they may accept a payment plan, or you pay it.
But it seems there is a lot to dad not manageing finances, I know there your parents, and you want the best, but you also need to look after yourself as well. xxxx rip dad... we had our ups and downs but we’re always be family xx0 -
Thank you both. I have tried getting him to CAB and he took 3 months to tell me about the Care debt in the first place and 4 months to go to CAB. I am not sure that he ever really went.
He hates talking about the debt that he is in and has rung me today scared to death which is awful. My brother, who lives with him and is 33, has also got massive debt problems and had his car repossessed last month so he is no help at all. However, if the motability car goes, he won't even be able to go to work so it is even worse!
I honestly have tried the tough love approach and he lets me down time after time but I can't say No to my Dad. He needs help and I am the only person who he seems to be able to accept it from. My husband says that enough is enough, we need to save up to start our own family and so I don't feel I can talk to him about this anymore either.
All in all, I feel totally lost but I do appreciate your comments. Thank you.I currently manage a Housing Benefit service and have been working in Housing / council tax benefit (as was) since 2001.
All views expressed in my posts are my own opinions and do not necessarily reflect those of my employer.0 -
fluffymovie wrote: »Thank you both. I have tried getting him to CAB and he took 3 months to tell me about the Care debt in the first place and 4 months to go to CAB. I am not sure that he ever really went.
He hates talking about the debt that he is in and has rung me today scared to death which is awful. My brother, who lives with him and is 33, has also got massive debt problems and had his car repossessed last month so he is no help at all. However, if the motability car goes, he won't even be able to go to work so it is even worse!
I honestly have tried the tough love approach and he lets me down time after time but I can't say No to my Dad. He needs help and I am the only person who he seems to be able to accept it from. My husband says that enough is enough, we need to save up to start our own family and so I don't feel I can talk to him about this anymore either.
All in all, I feel totally lost but I do appreciate your comments. Thank you.
You can say no - everyone can. You have to put the needs of yourself, your dreams and your marriage as an important part of the equation.
If you keep enabling him, you will end up digging yourself in a deeper hole because unless he changes, he may not be able to pay you back.
Bankruptcy might be the only option for your father or to get all the debts written off.
Good luck.Credit Card paid back in Full (June 2011): :j £500 in the clear -
Part of the £11,000 in 2011 challenge: £3,284 done so far.0 -
Such a horrible position to be in - it's easy for us to say - oh you need to be tough but I guess it's not that easy
I hate to say it but he really needs to open up about it in order to get the help. Maybe you could help him with a bit of money towards the car but make it a condition that he seeks help for the debts as a compromise?
dfMaking my money go further with MSE :j
How much can I save in 2012 challenge
75/1200 :eek:0 -
fluffy
if you carry on doing what you have been doing, your dad will carry on behaving like he always has. It is only when he is scared to death and has to stand on his own to feet that he will learn.
You have to stop helping him. Expect him to screw up royally at least once, as he will want to prove to you that he cannot cope. Stand back and he will learn to sort it out. Point him in the direction of CAP rather than CAB, as they send people to the home.
With respect you your mother's care home fees, it might be an idea to speak to he key worker (possible social services) and arrange a meeting re the fees. Social Services may pay them and take out a charge against the house, which they recoup when dad sells or dies.If you've have not made a mistake, you've made nothing0
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