Engaged - but OH doesn't seem bothered!

Ms_Brush

Dear Jo_R

Sounds to me like some of the other posters are right; he is a man, and men dont 'get' the whole girly wedding thing!

At the end of the day, what is important is that you are together, you have a family together, and you love each other. Anything over and above that, including an engagement ring and a piece of paper telling you that you are married is a bit immaterial! A wedding wont change your day to day lives, or make any difference to how you feel about one another. It is almost a symbolic act to tell everyone else.... but it is strangely important to many people (including me). I suspect that the being married part of this isnt the problem for your OH, but something else instead... is it that he feels that money is a problem, do you need a bigger house, is a job at risk...?? These are all things that can send a man into a tailspin, and they would rather have their toenails pulled out than admit to worrying about something! Especially to their loved ones, who they feel they might be letting down... it sounds like patience and a few heart to hearts may be the way forward.

It will work itself out, so be patient hun. It must seem worse that your sister is getting married soon; try not to compare your situation with hers, because that will just make you miserable. It could also be that he doesnt want to 'compete' with your sister, and is subconsciously backing off while that is going on.

I have just got married, and my husband was very enthusiastic about becoming engaged and being married, but he was totally disinterested in the planning bit, and he left me to it! I also had no engagement ring for several months, and wasnt bothered either (because it gives you the freedom to wear whatever jewellery you like!) until he announced out of the blue that he had saved up enough to buy one for me, and he wanted me to choose it. When we did go shopping, he insisted that we bought a matching wedding ring so that we had both. When I bought his wedding ring, and he refused to look and he didnt see it until I put it onto his finger!

As far as the planning went, I gave up on getting him involved in the girly stuff, and just got him to agree on the maximum number of people he wanted, and gave him 2 or 3 choices that I knew he'd hate, or were too expensive, knowing that he would suggest a meal in a pub - which is what I wanted anyway and had secretly already planned for. He was none the wiser, and was far more enthusiastic about the planning because it was his idea...

Jo_R_2

Hi Ms Brush

Me and the OH had a bit of a heart to heart earlier actually. He said a handful of things when I asked him why all the jokey comments and was he serious when he asked me because I was beginning to think he wasn't and I'd gone and gotten the wrong end of the stick.

I flounced off in silence (hate to say it but where he's concerned, a bit of quiet reflection on my part gets more response from him post-discussion than raising my voice!) and he came down shortly after. He apologised, saying he was sorry if he came across like that.

He said his primary thoughts at the moment are money and finding a bigger house (the elusive quest but that's another story!) and he's hardly thought about marriage stuff at all because of those.

He says that doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married, far from it, but also that marriage to him is such a huge thing and so important that to an extent, the thought of it, even though he wants to, freaks him out a lot and so he put it to the back of his mind as something "sometime in the future."

He then asked when did I want to get married, I asked him when he wanted to, and it transpires we both want to wait at least a couple of years. We had a chat about where, he would love to go off to a place he's alwasy wanted to visit and get married there, although as things stand we need to save up whatever we plan.

And to those who have said about the lack of an engagement ring... Well for the time being, money is so tight I'd rather he put his cash towards paying off his credit card and savings rather than saving for a ring for me... Much as I would love one, I already have one he gave me as a present and that suits me fine

So I feel much better for having that chat... In some ways I kinda wish he'd be the one to raise the subject because every time I talk to him about marriage/weddings, I feel like I'm the one who's leading things and I wish he'd take the bull by the horns and talk about it off his back... I know it sounds silly but I know I'm not one of these women who could have waited in unerring silence for a proposal, or wait again for him to say when is the time to start making arrangements and so on, and stupidly (yes I *know* things are what they are but hey what can I say...) even though I know what I'm like I still wish now I hadn't pushed the subject of marriage because looking back I would have loved a surprise proposal, for him to think, yes this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and to plan a proposal to that end.

Instead he's probably thinking that I'm the woman who's ridiculously high-maintenance that he'd better face up to and say now he wants to spend the rest of his life with rather than dare wait another 6 months/year/two years/etc and risk her throwing a fit because she thinks he's not bothered:o

I'm off to ponder my existence now:o