Engaged - but OH doesn't seem bothered!

chardonnay_2

jo-r set the date - he seems to lack momentum - sort things for him

pukkamum

I know for a fact that DH only married me because it was something i wanted he would have happily lived together for ever.
We were engaged for TEN years and when he joked that we would get married on our ten year anniversary i took him at his word and booked it!!!!

I knew he would have no interest in arrangements and i really don't think many men are. All DH cared about was the honeymoon so i left him to organise that and it worked out great, he enthused about the honeymon and i about the wedding so at least i felt he was involved.
I gave this advice to my sister (she gets married in sep) and she thought it was great, it makes her feel as though he is involved and he enjoys sorting it.

Jo_R_2

pukkamum that sounds like a good way to work things. The irony is with me and OH, I was never bothered about marriage until he first said he wanted to and then I thought, oh I really like the idea of that with him...

I know he's said a handful of things, initially he was of the mind that there was enough going on with trying to find a bigger house and having baby on the way, then he wanted to wait until we'd found a house then get engaged, then he told me he'd very nearly proposed at baby's birth. This for some reason I was actually quite upset about, I was so hopeful and for him to tell me that he'd "nearly" done it without an actual proposal afterwards quite got to me

Looking back now I'm thinking he got the thought of it in his head, heard the reasons I'd given for wanting to get engaged sooner rather than later, and just thought "why not?" Whilst there's not necessarily anything wrong in that, I do wonder now what would have transpired had I held off and left him to his own devices. I suspect it would have been a while but he'd be a lot more into discussing things.

I also think given that currently things are tight financially, he sees a wedding as another expense sometime in the future. I'm gonna brace myself and chat to him in a bit about it, because basically it's doing my head in. LOL!

Callisto

Jo_R wrote: »

I know he's said a handful of things, initially he was of the mind that there was enough going on with trying to find a bigger house and having baby on the way, then he wanted to wait until we'd found a house then get engaged, then he told me he'd very nearly proposed at baby's birth. This for some reason I was actually quite upset about, I was so hopeful and for him to tell me that he'd "nearly" done it without an actual proposal afterwards quite got to me

Looking back now I'm thinking he got the thought of it in his head, heard the reasons I'd given for wanting to get engaged sooner rather than later, and just thought "why not?" Whilst there's not necessarily anything wrong in that, I do wonder now what would have transpired had I held off and left him to his own devices. I suspect it would have been a while but he'd be a lot more into discussing things.

The proposal has happened, I don't really see why you're thinking about better ways in which he could have proposed, surely it's better to move forward than keep thinking 'what if' it was done this way or that way? If it's the lack of ring that you're unhappy with, then tell him! You could have an afternoon shopping for an engagement ring together (and it needn't be expensive), which would be a special event in itself.

We've been engaged for coming up to 5 years now and OH goes through phases of wanting to discuss the wedding and then refusing to talk about it altogether! If I keep mentioning little bits to do with the wedding, he moans that I constantly talk about it, so I save up all the things I want to say for a conversation when I know he's feeling more receptive or when he brings up the subject. I do find it annoying sometimes, but if he kept trying to talk to me about motorbikes or engines (his favourite subjects!), I would soon get bored!

Jo_R_2

What I was not so eloquently saying callisto is that I wonder if my OH would be more interested in all things wedding-related had I not set about getting him to propose? As it stands he's definitely not bothered about even setting a date right now, and basically I was pondering over had he gone about things of his own accord, if he'd be a bit more keen and interested in sorting out a date.

Keeping_Positive

Jo sorry to hear things not going your way. Id put it to the back of your mind for a few months and concentrate on your family and debt busting. Im sure he loves you to bits and does want to marry.

Ive been with OH for 13 years now. He proposed in the early years and then we had some rough patches. His Mum asked when we would marry and he said when we had a boy....... well DS is 7 in Sept!

I did mention getting married last year but all he was concerned about was the cost which did upset me. Reality says I need to crack down on our finances and have some spare cash for a wedding. Shame though having been to a lovely wedding last week I really like the idea. Not just for the day but to actually be the wife that everyone assumes I am.

Pssst

This worries me. Either he wants to or he doesnt. My guess is he will go in reverse at some stage but then maybe im wrong?

mrcow

A lack of engagement ring or lack of promise to get one ASAP should worry you.

It's not a serious engagement and with the smartass comments that he's been giving you - it should be ringing alarms. I'd say he's half-hearted about it - but he doesn't even sound that far gone!

snugglepants

Hiya Jo_R, congratulations on the engagement!

It is DEFINITELY a man thing. Mine has been uninvolved in alot of it, by his choice. Because I'm the bride apparantly it's my job to do everything with less than 4 wks to go *eep!* he's suddenly interested in lots of things, and almost dounds like *he* planned the whole thing haha! I agree with the other advice, ask him his opinion on some things, especially big decisions, to make him feel involved and maybe have a chat with him about how involved he'd like to be, what decisions he'd like to make etc. Set a date as well (if you're both ready to), it'll make it all the more real, and you will start feeling a little more "organised" in a way - you can get into the planning, browsing etc knowing exactly when you need to sort things by. But above all, enjoy your engagement it's a fantastic period in your life - if you don't want to get married soon, then focus on having a lovely engagement period before all the frantic planning happens!

Best wishes to you both, and hope to see you around on here when you get to planning. The ladies are lovely on here, and always happy to help!

Mme.Hibou

Good grief, never again will I take my DF for granted. He's probably planned more about our wedding than I have.

We also have a 9 week old baby and we got engaged in December (we marry 364 days after the engagement) as I was so heavily pregnant, he took it upon himself to search for venues and suchlike. I was involved at every stage (obviously).

I couldn't wait to get engaged, I pictured it a hundred times and totally different to how it happened. You need to give him time, he wouldn't have proposed if he didn't mean it, you need to discuss where marriage features for both of you, and remember, there's no such thing as compromise; it's always one person giving in.