Engaged - but OH doesn't seem bothered!

aimee21j

I wouldn't rush him to be honest Jo. He took 5 years after we got engaged to finally say "I'd better take you off the shelf then!". I really think that if i'd have pressured him to get married soon after we got engaged, he would have had a bit of a funny turn and we might not be together. I just recognised that he was willing to make a commitment to me by buying a house with me and putting a ring on my finger but needed a bit of time to enter into the next phase as such.

I'm sorry- I haven't done a very good job of explaining myself!

Ruthie5

I agree with many of the others about this being a male thing to some extent. I'm happy to spend hours online browsing for 'just the right' Cake, and OH really couldn't be that bothered. He occasionally gets something that really matters to him - like he wants to have really nice food at the reception...and that's about it. Most other things I choose and he has a veto.

I think you do both need to agree on the basic plan though. Ours was that we'd get maried sometime this summer and it would be a small 'do' with a budget of £2.5k. Having said that, we've been engaged for a couple of years before getting to the point of setting a date, which suited both of us. I think it is important to reach an agreement on the basics, and perhaps you need to have a chat if you don't feel you'ce done this yet.

But I think it is a fact that most men are never going to get as excited about the wedding details as women.

lindsey_toffee_girl

It is a male thing I am having the same issues my FI still has shown no interest in buying a suit and its only in 3 months. He says he wants to get married without the fuss, however I want the fuss!
So we compromised a wedding abroad then a party at home it is just men!

Pssst

JO-R..whats the current situation? do you live together? if so is it rented or mortgaged?
If you dont live together,would he be receptive to a suggestion of cohabitation either rented or mortgaged?

aimee21j

lindsey_toffee_girl wrote: »

It is a male thing I am having the same issues my FI still has shown no interest in buying a suit and its only in 3 months. He says he wants to get married without the fuss, however I want the fuss!
So we compromised a wedding abroad then a party at home it is just men!

I think we get married on the same day and my H2B said he will sort his suit in August :eek: I don't think so!!!!

Jo_R_2

Pssst wrote: »

JO-R..whats the current situation? do you live together? if so is it rented or mortgaged?
If you dont live together,would he be receptive to a suggestion of cohabitation either rented or mortgaged?

Pssst, we live in rented together with my two DDs and our baby of 7 weeks, so it's not as if we're not 'committed'.

I'm fairly to moderately sure he's having some kind of early mid-life crisis (said tongue-in-cheek but there's definitely something up!) Today he said to me, "I'm not very romantic am I?" and looked really dejected. Add to that he's been asking me if he "treats me right" and such like, I'm not sure what's going on with him.

We were actually chatting today about wedding venues (was looking on the internet and he was looking over my shoulder) but when I was chatting about friends who have got married, he couldn't have made it more clear he didn't want to talk about it and I could tell there was something up but felt it wasn't the right time to push it so I left it.

And I thought women were meant to be hard work LOL!

jonny_power

I can't work out if any lads have replied on this thread. I'd just make a couple of points, although I won't claim they are representative of all men.

1. Once you get engaged, it takes a while to sink in, we spent most weekends catching up with various friends and family, and it was great. Perhaps your OH is still doing this, he's got a lot to think about and wants to get that right in his head before setting down a path which might not be 100% what he wants to do (i'm talking venues/wedding plans rather than actually if he want's to get married, although he needs to be 100% on that too!!!!)

2. Following from 1, you should take some time to actually enjoy your engagement, it's a massive step forward and signals how serious you are about spending the rest of your life with each other. We got engaged in Feb, and are getting married next March, but we still have managed a few weekends when we've just spent time with each other and not thought about the wedding, basically men like a bit of quality time without any pressure.

3. I haven't read your other thread, but it seems like you did active try to get him to propose, which I doubt is unusual... often men do need a bit of a kick up the !!!!, or some subtle hints. However, he needs to get things sorted in his head, and getting married is a huge huge step. rushing him now could lead to problems, so my main point would be to lay off him for a little while.

4. Finally, what often bothers me is when reading on here, or (especially) reading on other websites/magazines, talking to female friends... is that women often say that their fianc!es aren't bothered, or aren't interested. This often isn't correct, it's just true that is is the brides day in general, and that the majority of decisions and expense does come down to the bride and what she wants. Men often might appear or sound like they aren't bothered, but it's more down to them not having a strong feeling either way... or them knowing that having a strong feeling might cause some grief if the bride doesn't agree... we're smarter than we look! Also often generally I don't really have a strong opinion over whether the napkins are blue or silver... but that doesn't mean I don't care about the wedding, or don't want us to get married!

Sorry if it sounds like a bit of a rant... but it's good to even things out a bit!:D

all the best for your engagement and wedding, it's just I know people (my parents) who had a 5 month engagement, and then others who were engaged for 6 years before getting married... give your OH some time to get things sorted in his head, and don't just assume he isn't bothered.

sunshinejoclaire

I'm getting married to my gorgeous OH in 4 weeks time (in fact 4 weeks today at this time we should hopefully be at our hotel as man and wife!!). We have been engaged for umm.. 2.5 years, and together for nearly 7. He still calls me his girlfriend or wife to be, he won't even use the word fiancee. I wouldn't worry about it too much to be honet.. he might just need a little time.

He was umming and ahhing over setting a date.. and finally I got him drunk and we set a date

mumof30_3

On planning our wedding my other half was a bit like your DF. Not interested in venues, cakes, etc, etc. We looked at some venues, but just couldn't agree. In the end I said "You organise the whole thing, cause I am fed up with all this". After I said this he confessed that "yes, he wanted to married, more than anything in the world, but all this looking at venues and stuff was just not for him". He wanted a quiet, family wedding with a big party at night. I agreed with him and left it at that. A few months later, I came home from working(part time in a socail club) and told him I had booked our wedding and it was 8 weeks from now and the party at night was in said social club. Just immediate family for wedding and meal and everyone else for night time. He was so pleased and said "fine, lets do it". Well we did and the wedding was April 17th. My husband was so pleased at how I organised everything and said it was just what he wanted. We were lucky in that we had the savings to do it so quickly, having waited 10 years for him to propose, I wasn't waiting another 10 for the wedding.

I think you need to sit and have a really good talk with your DF about both your wants/need for the wedding.

Maureen

Lish_2

I do have to add that from what I have heard about ur OH, he seems to come across as a bit selfish. He proposed- so he should have a think about how you're feeling! I bet you're feeling on top of the world and very excited, I cant help but feel he is putting a real 'downer' on your first few weeks of engagement and that's just not fair.
Stop making excuses for him- sit him down and have it out with him, I can understand if you are worried about what may come out during the conversation but girl- you deserve someone who is as elated as you are and who doesnt need their !!! kicking every step of the way.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds like you are doing all the running here, its meant to be a two-way street from begining to end- marriage is about comprimise and consideration for the other person.

I hope it all gets better sweetie x