Engaged - but OH doesn't seem bothered!

karen_newcastle

T obe totally honest loads of people find it had to get excited in something that feel AGES away. So if you are planning a 2010 or 2011 wedding then probably doesn't feel real. Only brides can actually feel that type of excitement.

Although my hubby shared the same excitement as me my parents just didn't seem interested until about 3 months before....then it became real to them.

So maybe he really wants to marry you but just doesn't get the excitement in the same way as you do. Wait until the day is closer....

Soubrette

weegie.geek wrote: »

it all seems a bit pointless.

I admit to not being a big fan of the wedding part of getting married - standing around with a fake smile glued on all day - no thanks :cool:

Two important benefits for me with marriage - one, all our stuff is ours - if one dies the other gets it with no problems with capital gains etc (we can but hope capital gains will be an issue in the future )

Two, marriage automatically confers next of kinship.

Of course you don't have to be married to organise these things but some people don't get married, don't get organised and have a nasty shock if they fall out with the out-laws and aren't allowed at the bedside of their ill partners with no say as to treatment etc or find that half their house is now going to people who don't like them (or at the very least like the unexpected windfall more than they like the partner of their son/daughter).

On the bright side Jo - if he's not interested then you get to do it your way. Imagine if he had set ideas on what he wanted and you argued about the colour scheme, where you wanted it, what style dress he wanted to see you in? Far better to have one person organising the whole thing

Sou

rinroo

I read your last thread, so great he proposed!

But to be honest, I'd back off for a little while there is no great rush, if you truly love him and he you, then there is no need to do it all tomorrow. My h2b proposed nearly 10 years ago and we only decided to plan the wedding a couple of weeks ago and it was all his doing, think something finally clicked.

Wait until he is ready, it will make the whole thing much more enjoyable to be able to do it together. Maybe he needs to get used to being engaged before he takes the next step of arranging the wedding.

Buddingblonde

I would love to get engaged and get married to my OH and it has nothing to do with the wedding day. It is about the 2 of us showing our commitment to each other. Nothing more, nothing less.
A wedding is one single day - although from what people go on about it you would never know. A marriage is the rest of your live where you are committed to each other as equals, working together as a team to face life together.
Plenty of men out there want a marriage but do not want a wedding. Equally there are plenty of women who would do without a wedding day.

A wedding is not the be all and end all, it is a means to an end.

To be honest there is nothing in your post Jo-R that shows any interest in a marriage, only a wedding. You wanted the engagement, not as a sign of your love for each other but as an excuse to start wedding shopping and wedding planning. Maybe your OH is aware of this and that is why he is reluctant to take part in planning your wedding.
I feel sorry for both of you as neither of you are getting what you want out of this situation.

Ax

sal-ad_daze

Believe me it's a bloke thing!
My lovely s-i-l2b loves my daughter to bits but just isn't interested in all the hoo ha, he admits "all I want to do is marry you and have a party" how it happens and when it happens he's not particularly bothered about.
They fell into the whole wedding production thing and booked the posh venue that was going to cost an arm and a leg. Thankfully they came down to earth and have now cancelled that venue and are getting married abroad, far more suited to them but he's leaving it to her, she can choose the venue, the colours, etc. etc. it's just not important to him.
What is telling is that it's the same place they got engaged last year and he knew instantly the date they got engaged!
You see blokes don't care about the 'frilly stuff' but they do remember the important bits.
I'd sit him down and ask him what's important to him and come to some agreement about what he takes responsibility for, cars, suits, rings, honeymoon you know tangible stuff rather than the 'frills'. Set a budget and take it from there, if he's happy to leave everything else to you then go for it.
That's why women are from Venus and men are from Mars (is that the right way round?) lol

mookybargirl

I think a talk with him is needed. Tell him how you're feeling and really honestly, and ask properly if he DOES want to get married. This isn't for everyone and he might have felt under pressure to ask just to get some peace (no blame intended here). Some people just don't want to get married, although if you desperately do and he doesn't, you'll need to deal with that between you.
If he DOES want to be married, he'll need to talk more about what he's sees happening on the day. Going to see some venues might also help as then you'll get more of an idea on what you both want, but no point in doing anything more until you've had a long chat about everything. Hope you both can find a compromise that you'll both be happy with.....and painful as it will be now, better to know that you want the same things from life...

Jo_R_2

Buddingblonde wrote: »

To be honest there is nothing in your post Jo-R that shows any interest in a marriage, only a wedding. You wanted the engagement, not as a sign of your love for each other but as an excuse to start wedding shopping and wedding planning. Maybe your OH is aware of this and that is why he is reluctant to take part in planning your wedding.
I feel sorry for both of you as neither of you are getting what you want out of this situation.

Ax

Crikey - you've got me so wrong! When I say "the prospect of being married" I don't mean the wedding day but actually being married. The wedding day to me is a lovely way to celebrate being together with OH forever with the people closest to us, not the be all and end all.

Also to clarify I should say it was OH who originally discussed marriage, it didn't come out of the blue for him, the discussion we had was us talking about when an engagement would happen.

And also believe me, OH wouldn't ask if he didn't mean it - I suspect it is very much the case that I'm far more interested in planning the day, we have had similar discussions about me being pregnant and he said that just because he didn't go on about it all the time, it didn't mean he wasn't excited or bothered, and he's a great dad now baby's here.

Thing is, I have said to him that I'd get married tomorrow in a register office for us to be married, and he was adamant then that I didn't want that and neither did he at all, I just wish he'd be more forthcoming!

roxalana

Maybe just talk to him and say that you don't want him to feel pressured you just want to know what his thoughts are about things i.e. does he have an idea of when he wants to get married, would he be happy for you to organise everything etc.

aimee21j

val_84 wrote: »

oh dear what a load of pessimists :rolleyes:
IMO no one does something they dont want to do so obviously he wanted to do it and without sounding too sexist it sounds like he is just being a man in that he prob doesnt realise how soon you want everything and that it is real.

My OH proposed on christmas day and he has since told me he wanted a long engagement but for me that would have meant too much waiting and more money spent the longer it went on.

He started to get more interested when we actually went to view places but other than that he isnt particularly bothered. I think he is just quite happy for me to plan everything (which Im ok with as long as he is still happy)

I just think maybe it hasnt sunk in for him yet

Mine is the same. We have been engaged for 6 years and getting married in 6 months. Still not a lot of interest! He says that he is just not bothered and happy for me to make the decisions :rolleyes:

Jo_R_2

aimee I think this is what OH is like. He's quite happy to talk to other people about the wedding funnily, he proudly told someone we met the other day that we were getting married, and calls me his 'fiancee' but apart from that...

I just want to know what timescale we're looking at, we have things to consider financially which we need to plan around, I think as has been mentioned a bit of a chat is needed!