Engaged - but OH doesn't seem bothered!

Jo_R_2

Hi all

Well I have no doubt I'm going to ramble somewhat when trying to explain it, but here goes...!

I posted a thread a while ago asking how to get my boyfriend to propose. Well he did, and I was ecstatically happy, and I still am at the prospect of being married.

So why do I feel almost disappointed now?!

Well, I was sure I wanted to get married, and I knew how OH felt, he did to, although originally he wanted to wait and plan a big romantic proposal. However, after talking about it he changed his mind and asked me one night at home.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't all set on a big proposal. I didn't want a flashy ring. I'm wearing the ring he bought me as a gift a while ago on my ring finger which is kinda sweet I think. But I don't think there's anything else forthcoming which does disappoint me but I'm not sure why, not that I know it matters in the scheme of things. I don't think that means anything in and of itself - except that maybe on some level I *did* want the big proposal and I just didn't realise

Anyway I've been looking at wedding stuff online, various things such as dresses, wedding planning, venues and so on, and have been trying to get OH interested. But he really doesn't seem it. I kinda envision it being more a woman's thing anyway but like last night for example, I was browsing local wedding venues and he wasn't bothered, couldn't contribute anything. In fact, pretty much the only thing he HAS offered is that he wants a smallish ceremony, either in church or somewhere nice but not a register office.

Don't get me wrong, he's not disinterested exactly, but he turns everything into a joke - you know the stereotypical scared of commitment type-man? He plays on that - like when he's seen me looking at rings, or dresses, or like last night venues, he does that whole fake pained expression and says stuff like, "arrrggghh oh god" and it's funny the first time but by the hundredth time I want to wring his neck and say, can you actually say what you think instead of doing that because it's driving me mad!

Tbh I got so worked up having to talk to him about what he thought about getting married that I don't want the same conversations again about what he thinks about what a wedding should be like - I mean I'm asking him and he's not answering me!

What am I dealing with here?!

pnq06

Oh hun, sounds very much like my OH...
He proposed to me off his own back 3 years ago and that was it :rolleyes:
I occasionally mention actually getting married and he couldn't seem less interested :rotfl: In fact his sister got engaged a few months back and they've already organised everything for next august and his answer to that was- Why so quick? And its only a piece of paper- to which I got quite upset and blurted that I never wanted to get married anyway haha how childish of me :rotfl:

But now he insists that he does want to get married but he just can't be a*sed with uncle bobs neighbour and anyone else that he hasn't seen for years coming that he just has to invite so as not offend... TBH I agree with him, a nice intimate ceremony will do probably abroad... Is that something you would consider? Have you asked you OH if its the preparation thats the problem?

Congratulations anyway xx

Pssst

I'd call it off if i were you. Lifes too short for mind games.

seadee

The minute after I proposed all I wanted was to be married, not interested in a wedding or anything.
Having said that we did organise the ceremony and shindig together as I I knew how important this aspect was to the OH.

It was very nice but I could have lived without it and still just got married (as if by magic)

Talk to your OH about it and see what he thinks and wants.

Marriage is all about compromise - might as well start now.

brownbabygirl

Jo_R wrote: »

Well, I was sure I wanted to get married, and I knew how OH felt, he did to, although originally he wanted to wait and plan a big romantic proposal. However, after talking about it he changed his mind and asked me one night at home.

maybe he felt he was manipulated into the whole thing and therefore is not really motivated about the whole thing? if he had proposed at his own timing, maybe it would have been different?
i really wish it turns out better.

weegie.geek

Jo_R wrote: »

I posted a thread a while ago asking how to get my boyfriend to propose.

That says it all.

If he really wanted to propose he would've. Maybe he's like me. The prospect of marriage bores me, and it all seems a bit pointless.

I love my OH. I want what we have to last. Having a ring won't make any difference to that.

Marriage is very much for the girl, IMO. The ring, the dress, the party...

I'd much rather spend the money on a big telly and a nice holiday, or a fund for the kids, rather than waste money on a day long party with people I haven't seen for years, and whom I haven't seen for a damn good reason.

Ivrytwr3

women - never bloody happy even when they get what they want!!

val_84

oh dear what a load of pessimists :rolleyes:
IMO no one does something they dont want to do so obviously he wanted to do it and without sounding too sexist it sounds like he is just being a man in that he prob doesnt realise how soon you want everything and that it is real.

My OH proposed on christmas day and he has since told me he wanted a long engagement but for me that would have meant too much waiting and more money spent the longer it went on.

He started to get more interested when we actually went to view places but other than that he isnt particularly bothered. I think he is just quite happy for me to plan everything (which Im ok with as long as he is still happy)

I just think maybe it hasnt sunk in for him yet

*Louise*

Tbh, I would back off for a bit, let him get used to the idea slowly.

Some men do tend to get terrified when their fiancees start giving them a hundred questions about things they have never even thought about before in their lives. (Unless anyone else knows of any guys who ponder over what outfit they will wear on their wedding day?)

As my OH said to me the other week 'I was a bit scared to have a wedding because I thought I was going to have to organise tons of stuff and it would all be frantic and expensive, I had no idea you could do it all so quickly' (LOL)

Basically I included him in the big decisions (he chose our venue and his ring for example) and all the little fiddly things - favours, flowers, table decs etc - I just got on with and showed him when they were finished.


Give the guy time to get his head round things, and try and hold off until he maybe refers to the wedding first. Then you can guage his interest.

beccam

Think he's just a typical bloke!!

My OH was no more interested in any wedding plans then the man on the moon.

I got angry, frustrated and upset with him but it changed nothing an only stressed me out more!

Basically I ended up saying "is there ANYTHING you will arrange or organise?" so he chose his wedding band (his dads!!!!!!!!!!) and he picked the suits for the men (with me along aswell so they weren't hideous!) his suit was the only thing he was remotely bothered about (so vain) and he quite enjoyed looking at limos.
Everything else he didn't care.....about 2mths before the wedding he asked me where the reception was (he had visited it with me when we booked!) but it was unimportant information so he didn't remember!

Count yourself lucky he doesn't want to get involved, you can plan it all whatever way you want and not have to worry about him! Just ask what he will organise...suits/cars/honeymoon/photographer and leave him too it!

svjenni

beccam wrote: »

Think he's just a typical bloke!!

Count yourself lucky he doesn't want to get involved, you can plan it all whatever way you want and not have to worry about him! Just ask what he will organise...suits/cars/honeymoon/photographer and leave him too it!

I think the Op has a couple of issues here, I was one of the posters on the original thread and also got a proposal, however as soon as he proposed I asked to set a date which he agreed to, and I also asked to drive around a few venues (the next day!) which he was ok with. Since then we have come to an agreement that I pay for the wedding and he pays for the honeymoon and keeps it a surprise, which suits him down to the ground.

IMHO - if you aren't getting a basic level of opinion/ discussion something is very wrong

however, us ladies expect so much from our fellas during this time. The vast majority of blokes will not care about flowers, invites, favours, table decorations etc. I went to a wedding fair with MIL and the amount of blokes there that looks like they wanted to slit their wrists there and then was ridiculous.

I am never ever putting my fella through that - I want him to turn up on the day!!
I'm asking his opinion on stuff he'll care about which is:

his ring
what he wants for dinner (wedding breakfast)
how much booze he wants
when he wants dinner
and first dance (although I am narrowing down to 2 before i do this)

I'm really enjoying the planning, we are not arguing and i know i'll have an amazing honeymoon. He recently aked me why i spend all my time watching wedding tv and on wedding forums, and I told him, if I didn't i'd talk to him about the wedding 24/7. his answer...?

...carry on!!!:rotfl: