I'm finally debt-free! Husband isn't. Now what?

[Deleted User] · 5 August 2016 at 7:58AM

For the first time in a long time, I can actually say that I am 100% debt free! :T Feels great! I've actually been nearly there for a little while, but only this week did final payments clear, and no need to ever spend on cc's or go into overdrafts again if I don't want to. I am noticing though, is that my current bank (Natwest) are always trying to offer me something or other (which must mean my credit is finally sorting itself out), but it's really annoying! Today they are stating that I am highly likely to be approved for a £4150 overdraft!!! They keep bugging me with their 'reward' account and I'm a bit fed up of seeing that I would 'earn' £3/month, and a £3 charge monthly charge applies! Um, do the math Natwest, I'm not interested! I also have my 1 credit card (zero balance now btw!) start offereing me 0% balance and money transfer deals too.

Now, I'm starting to enjoy and crave the simple life. So much so that I am cutting costs everywhere - food shopping, energy costs, using less water, payg phone etc etc and I have been selling or giving away possessions to charity shops to get pennies to clear debts and to make my home much more minimalist and less stressful. So WHY do I need the constant offers and incentives of credit??? Surely there are banks that people use that don't bug them with 'offers' all the time? I just want to live the simple life! And why do I need a credit card? Do I really need one? What's to stop me from cancelling my last 'just in case' credit card, having an emergency fund (I have started on one) and having a fairly simple bank account?
And then there's savings. Well, I have just started on this too. Putting away a bit for xmas each month, and an amount for my 'emergency fund'. Life sounds good money-wise, I'm getting there, just possibly need a new bank choice?

So what's the problem? Well, my husband is! I may now be debt-free, but he isn't :mad:
We have our own accounts and we have split the monies so that I pay for everything (household, food, rent etc and my now-cleared debts) out of my TC and CB monies, and he pays for his debts and bills (1 loan, 2 credit cards, 1 store card, 1 mobile contract, sky bill, car insurance and tax) and his spending money out of his wages.
I have spent the last year going without stuff, cancelling things, going payg, cutting back, not going out etc etc and making sure everything has been paid, cleared my debts and realising that I prefer the simple life.
My husband has only paid the minimum on his debts, used his monies to go out every week, drinking, playing on the fruities, withdrawing cash on his credit cards to play the fruities (!!!) and still has £6000 in debt.

What on earth do I do? I'm getting soooooo fed up it's silly. He thinks if he has money he needs to spend it and thinks that we should be doing more, spending more, getting better, nicer things etc etc. I feel like I have done my part (we both had similar debt amounts at the start) and now I feel like I am trying to get along all the time whilst dragging my oh along with his feet scraping along the ground!!! He doesn't know that I am debt-free now, and I don't want to tell hime, because his reaction will be 'oh great, now we can clear my debts quicker!' and that's not fair.

What shall I do? Sorry for my essay, but it just all came out.

BullShark · 5 August 2016 at 8:44AM

No offence but who are we to comment on your marriage?

I live by the rule "Happy wife, happy life" so don't need the earache from my good lady.

Im male and without being crude there is one area that should my wife cut back on I would tow the line ;-)

[Deleted User] · 5 August 2016 at 8:58AM

I suppose it did come out a bit like I was getting quite annoyed and I definitely wasn't meaning for marriage counselling advice, so apologies for that!

It is annoying though that it does seem very one sided. We are a family and should be sorting things out together, but we have very different ideas about money at the moment. Just not sure what to do. Do I put all my energy now into trying to help and sort him out, or am I just wasting my time and he really needs to have his 'lightbulb moment' first?

I'm thinking I might just stick to my newfound simple ways and cancel my credit card so that stops those offers (and temptations) bothering me, and I might just be best off looking for a more basic bank account or building society, as I don't like to be hounded with credit offers.

I just wanted a bit of a vent, and while I'm feeling happier in myself and sorted financially in one sense, being in a marriage where one member of the party is still stressing me out isn't easy, so I apologise for that.

And no, BullShark, I've not cut back on anything in that department... :rotfl:

nearlytherenow · 5 August 2016 at 9:48AM

Hi, I'm with Natwest and they are pushing the reward account although it's starting to tempt me as this month it said £23 and that's quite a lot! I wonder if whether you contact them and ask them not to offer you things that they would stop, worth a try.

Regarding your husband, doing things like taking cash on a credit card is pretty much always a bad idea, but to do it to play fruit machines, big alarm bells there! I don't think you have any responsibility to help him pay off his debts if he doesn't do it himself. It's different if he was trying but it doesn't look like he is from what you've said. Is it worth a chat talking to him about the things you've learnt about becoming debt free?

If I were you I would save the money that you have previously used on debt and help him if, and only if, he starts to help himself!

[Deleted User] · 5 August 2016 at 10:01AM

nearlytherenow wrote: »

Hi, I'm with Natwest and they are pushing the reward account although it's starting to tempt me as this month it said £23 and that's quite a lot! I wonder if whether you contact them and ask them not to offer you things that they would stop, worth a try.

Regarding your husband, doing things like taking cash on a credit card is pretty much always a bad idea, but to do it to play fruit machines, big alarm bells there! I don't think you have any responsibility to help him pay off his debts if he doesn't do it himself. It's different if he was trying but it doesn't look like he is from what you've said. Is it worth a chat talking to him about the things you've learnt about becoming debt free?

If I were you I would save the money that you have previously used on debt and help him if, and only if, he starts to help himself!

That's a very good point, I hadn't thought of contacting Natwest and seeing if they will stop their overdraft and reward offers (for £3with £3 charge! I mean, I have cut my bills back so much that my direct debits aren't even that much anymore so it's not worth it!) but for £23 I would be tempted there too nearlytherenow!

No, husband is definitely not helping himself and doesn't seem to have any future plans or goals when it comes to 'his' money, so I should just let him get on with it. I have tried to talk to him about debts, and he's very much all talk and then payday comes round and he goes out and blows all his spare money in one go. Last month he told me to cut up his credit card so that he couldn't go and take any more money out and blow it on fruities, which was great, but I know he's been borrowing money off his mates so he's always owing them back first. I feel like I'm in a relationship with a teenager lol!!!

And I haven't told him I've managed to clear all my debts, he knows I've done better than him and cleared 2 thirds of it, but if he knew I now had 'spare' money then I would just get hounded for it.

Thanks for the advice, I will contact Natwest first and see what they say. I've also been looking into getting myself an ISA or fixed term savings account this morning. I will just save what I can and carry on, and if he does decide to lift his head out of the sand then I will help him. I just feel I am stresing myself out because we are married and should be doing this together, and I know I shouldn't because he's not playing fair.

Gazzafatcityboy · 5 August 2016 at 10:10AM

Hi there..

didn't want to read and run but how much do you think he spends on the fruities? Do you think he may have a gambling problem of some sort?

Gaz

elsien · 5 August 2016 at 10:16AM

You must be able to opt out of the Natwest offers, because I'm with them and I don't get them. There'll be a tick box somewhere. I also firmly told counter staff to stop hounding me everytime I went it, and that stopped as well so again they must be able to make note somewhere.

[Deleted User] · 5 August 2016 at 10:26AM

Gazzafatcityboy wrote: »

Hi there..

didn't want to read and run but how much do you think he spends on the fruities? Do you think he may have a gambling problem of some sort?

Gaz

I'm not 100% sure, as I'm sure he only tells me most of what he's done, not all of it, but I know he's withdrawn £120 in cash on his credit card once in one evening. He'd gone out drinking with the lads, and he even told me that the last couple of hours he wasn't even drinking anymore, just focused on the fruities! I believe he's withdrawn and wasted £500 within the last couple of months.

Smodlet · 5 August 2016 at 10:29AM

Hi, you and your OH remind me so much of us. Totally opposite attitudes to money. It's taken twenty-three years, or most of them to get him to realise he does not have to spend every penny he gets as fast as he can. I am sure it really does "burn a hole in his pocket".

OH had a fruit machine habit as well before I met him; he scarcely ever bothers with them now and can easily walk away after a couple of "gos". He freely admitted it was because his first relationship was so unhappy and it was a way to stop thinking, somewhat like comfort eating. It can be a place to hide from your problems, while you are glued to watching little symbols roll around. It is also a way to avoid conversation. Perhaps your OH uses this to hide from his debts. Maybe, deep down, he really is worried about them but is adopting the ostrich approach as he is not yet ready to deal with them.

I agree with nearlytherenow's assessment; were he lying awake at night worrying, doing everything including taking a second job to pay off his debts, it would be churlish not to help him but, as it is, your paying off his debts purely so he can rack up more will do nothing but breed resentment between you.

I do not know what the solution is but wish you all the best trying to make him see how great life could be if neither of you had any debt. Think of all the fun you could have together if you had both saved up and could do so without incurring any debt. Good luck.

P.S. I once had a long-drawn-out fight with the NatWest to stop them sending me marketing materials. It took months but I won. If it is easier to resist an overdraft by not having one, by all means go for a basic bank account but, if you have come this far, perhaps you could just tell yourself you are a strong woman who is in charge of her own decisions and put all that !!!! where it belongs, in the bin, actual or virtual. HTH.

[Deleted User] · 5 August 2016 at 10:32AM

elsien wrote: »

You must be able to opt out of the Natwest offers, because I'm with them and I don't get them. There'll be a tick box somewhere. I also firmly told counter staff to stop hounding me everytime I went it, and that stopped as well so again they must be able to make note somewhere.

Thanks elsien, I'm just checking my online account now and have found the 'alerts' section, but it doesn't give me any option to opt out of offers, but will keep looking, and I hadn't though of going into branch either to ask, so thank you, if I can't find a way online, I will either ring or go in and request they stop. I hadn't thought about requesting they stop before this thread, and it does make sense that they should offer an opt-out otherwise a lot of customers would get a bit annoyed.

[Deleted User] · 5 August 2016 at 10:37AM

Smodlet wrote: »

if you have come this far, perhaps you could just tell yourself you are a strong woman who is in charge of her own decisions and put all that !!!! where it belongs, in the bin, actual or virtual. HTH.

Thank you for your reply Smodlet, it made me smile, and yes you are right with everything you have said about me and him, and what you put above ^^^ It's just taken a long while to get to this point, and I don't want myself or someone else to undo all my hard work, but I AM a strong person, and am enjoying seeing my savings balances grow, so will continue to do this!

I'm finally debt-free! Husband isn't. Now what?

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