Trapped in a call centre

Edit: This is really, stupidly long. If you don't want to read this then please scroll down to the questions in bold at the bottom. Thank you.

So I'm going to pour my little heart out. There are various factors contributing to the way I feel however, I guess the main one is my career - so I feel that I am posting this in a fairly good place.

I was a dreamer in school and all through college. Nothing ever sank in. I was constantly looking out of the window or scribbling stories and doodling pictures in my notebook. I think I learned more away from the classroom than I did within it. I learned through books and spent my time in libraries and wandering through museums.

I loved education, I loved learning. Just not with others. I hated being in a classroom or a part of a group. I was a loner but I was never lonely. I enjoyed learning things on my own, in my own time.

After speaking to a guidance counsellor, I began studying for a computing degree at university. My attempts were half hearted at best. Computing was a practical skill my guidance counsellor had told me. What was the point of studying philosophy or Literature or History or Art? What kind of job would you get with those? He was very adamant and I was terrified of picking the wrong degree and wasting time and so, I did as I was told.

My days at university were spent alone. I would ghost in and out of lectures, never speaking unless I was spoken to. I tried to let it sink in, I really did. For the first few weeks, I tried to feel some passion for the subject I was studying. I made meticulous notes. I read everything I could in the area. I then realised, nothing was sinking in. I was simply passing large amounts of knowledge through my head. In one day and out the next. I quickly fell back into my old life of dreaming. My attendance was sporadic. I would while away the days (I was in a new city - lots to see, lots to do) wandering the streets, sitting in coffee shops, reading in libraries and visiting museums.

I was becoming a pro at killing time.

I dropped out of university after the first year. I spent the next few in retail. It was a mindless job. Physical. Being on your feet, running back and forth between the shop floor and the stock room, handling delivery boxes. It allowed me to fill my head with the things I wanted. And during that entire time, I was miles away. The pay was incredibly bad though. Minimum wage. I made around about £800 per month, working full time.

I was unhappy. My life lacked direction. My friends were moving ahead, getting on with their lives while I was stuck in the same place.

By some miracle I then got a job at a bank - a call centre. I was so excited and made an attempt to make friends with everyone. I finally discovered was it was life to be a part of a group. What it felt like to go out drinking and eating out. And it was great at first. But then things started to change. The workload we were given became heavier and more difficult. I couldn't 'zone out' the way I used to be able to do. Words from angry customers stayed with me for days. We were constantly watched regarding code usage and stats. There were double standards, office politics and some managers were incredibly manipulative. We worked like dogs while management sat around drinking coffee and having a chat. There was no support especially when you were trying to ring in sick. FYI, I never abused this even though I hated my job. Nobody else seemed to notice and I began to resent the place.

It's been nearly two years and I'm still there. I dread going into work. I feel bitter and angry and trapped. I breathe a sigh of relief every Friday when I finish work and feel physically sick on Sunday evenings because I know I have a full week of work ahead of me. The unhappiness I felt before has become darker, more potent and I feel like I could be on the brink of depression. I feel trapped and tired. I always seem to have a headache these days. I don't enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I don't go out during the weekends. I don't even change out of my pyjamas sometimes because what's the point? I'm too scared to see my doctor about this. I feel like he will laugh me out of his office.

I'm trapped. I am in £10'000 worth of debt (I used to buy pointless, silly things to feel better. I have nothing to even show for this.) This job pays better than retail. So I feel like I can't even quit. More importantly, this job allows me to pay for my OU degree. I need this job. I want to pay off my debts. I want a degree. But I don't know how much longer I can cope - going into a place that makes me feel so hopeless.

I feel like the only things I have that give me some happiness, that allow me to take a step further every day are books and music. I cling to these so hard. Sometime during the last couple of years, I have had a tiny spark. An idea that has kept growing inside of me. It's something I need to do for my own sake. I have always written but only just realised that I want to become a writer.

I used to be able to write and write and write. But these days, I struggle. I think it's my mood that's doing this. After spending 8 hours staring at a computer screen at work, the last thing I want to do is come home and switch my computer on.

The only thing stopping me is myself.

I need to find away to work, pay back my debt, complete my degree and write my book. I have cut up all my credit cards. Moved the debt over to a 0% interest card. And stopped spending money on needless things.

Anyone out there got a job they loathe? What are your tips on getting through it with as little emotional/mental damage as possible? Also what do you do when you feel like you're going to have a breakdown in the middle of a working day? Is it possible to achieve your dream when you feel like you're chained to your desk in the belly of some faceless corporation?